A
female
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:I really need advice as I feel I cannot see straight.I am in my mid-20' but I feel so lost in life. I live at home with my loving, but strict parents. I can't really invite ppl over bc my family is so dysfunctional. But I can't stay out late or anything like that, bc it involves a huge fight with my parents. So my social life is pretty small.. I do have some good friends that I see now and then, but I would like more. I also am currently unemployed, after going and getting a degree I am unable to find work in my field bc I don't have any experience. In addition to all that, I find that lately I just don't have any feelings for my bf of more than 5 years. I love him, but I just don't think I'm "in-love" with him anymore. I just feel so distant from him, and we are in a long distance relationship to boot, so it's just really hard to connect. My family doesn't know about him either!! I know it's hard for him, bc we are so restricted bc of my family not knowing. He's a great guy, and an awesome bf, but I can't help but wish he was more attractive to me. I want to tell my parents about us, but now that I'm having doubts about us, I'm not sure if I should. I just don't know if I can handle the stress of our relationship on top of everything else in my life! I just don't know what to do about my life. I know I could get a job and theoretically move out, but it just seems so difficult. I live in a big city, and I'm scared to move out and live on my own. Please help...any advice is appreciated.
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male
reader, Tomas  +, writes (3 February 2009):
Job job job. Job job. Job coworkers friends social life.Job money rent independence.Job routine structure control productivity self-confidence.Job skills competence self-esteem attractiveness.===========As for the long distance relationship, in a few, all tough. Key is having a plan, having real dates, and talking about the shared future.Don't stop living to keep the relationship "frozen"; this breeds loneliness and depression and guilt. Live, build a life you would want to share with someone you love.Oh, and job job job.
A
male
reader, rcn +, writes (31 January 2009):
 I want you to get a job. Not for moving out into a scary place, but so you have something that is yours and not part of being in such a restricted setting.
I want you to talk to your parents, but using non judgmental words. Such as "I know your scared" (that's why they are strict.) Tell them "you have to trust you've been good parents, and have given me the tools that I'll make good choices." Tell them that as long as everyone is living in fear, it damages your ability to grow as a person, and do things they too will be proud of their job raising you.
You don't want to insinuate their being strict is bad. You want to show, from adult to adult, you can now have conversations that are grown up with them, and not so much parent to child arguments.
If not a regular job, is there something you can do to volunteer. Use it as a networking tool to get your name out there and meet people. Just because you have a degree, doesn't mean that's what you'll be doing for a living. Decide what you are interested in, then follow it.
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A
male
reader, The old Man? +, writes (31 January 2009):
 Long distance relationships are very hard! I have done that before. I will not say I'd never do it again,but as I say, they are hard. There is definitely a different set of rules there!
Being that you are losing interest in him, I think you're right in not bringing this up to the parents. Why complicate an already complicated situation?
Setting aside the fact that you are currently not working. You say that you are afraid to move out on your own. That is understandable. You are still young, and it is a great big world out there. At some point, you're going to have to make the decision as to if you're going to continue living with your parents, or have the ability to start a life of your own. That will be a different hurdle for another day.
While under your parents roof, it is admirable that you are abiding by their rules!
Being 20 yrs old, you are still have a long time ahead of you, but I can also understand your restlessness to "see what's out there."
My suggestion would be to find a job, even if it's not what you really want to do, but something to occupy your time, and enable you to put some money aside. While working, you will be out of the house and interact with other people besides your parents. I'm not suggesting that you forfeit your desired goal of an occupation, but at least this way here, you can have some time to yourself, gather some money and decide what it is that you want to do.
The LDR boyfriend, if you don't feel it for him, stop worrying yourself. You're 20, and there are plenty of men out there to choose from.
I hope this helps.
Joe~
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (31 January 2009): It sounds like you should probably work on getting out of that house. No offense, but you are in your mid 20's and your parents should respect the decisions that you make. Not criticize ever move you make. I am also in my mid 20's and still live with my parents but they don't control every move I make. I hang out when I want to, with who I want to. Try to make your parents understand that you understand why they are like that because they don't want to see anything happen to you or whyever they're acting like that. Indeed, thats what makes you an adult though. Making decissions on your own. That way when you do get out there in the real world you won't be so lost. You have a degree so obviously you have done something right. As far as your boyfriend, now it doesn't seem that you have the time to be with him with everything that is going on at home. Plus, you don't want to mislead him. If your not in love with him, but love him. Respect him enough to let go. Over half of people don't proceed with their plans/goals in fear of...well, fear. You will do great, just have faith. I hope this helps sweetie. Take care and good luck!
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (31 January 2009): My dear,
I know that being on your own seems scary and all however it is necessary for you to do that if you really want to be able to have the social life that you crave. Yes you are an adult but as long as you live under your parents roof you must abide by thier rules. Why don't you look into a roommate type situation? I know that you went to school and got a degree in whatever field it is that you studied but you can't expect to just start at the top of that proffession whatever it may be. You need to begin somewhere and you need to be assertive. Put in your resume even if it says experience is required. When you go for the interview be positive if you don't get the position ask to speak to whom ever it was that interviewed you ( be sure to get the interviewers name) Explain to the interviewer that you are very interested in a position here and you are willing to volunteer at their firm to gain the necessary experience.
As for your boyfriend, If in your heart you feel like it is not working and you don't want to work it out then break it off life is just to short to be unhappy. Take a look at yourself and think about where you will be in 5 years if you continue to live in fear and live the way you do. Where will you be? 5 years older unhappy in your parents home? Or Will you be out on your own living a fulfilled social life living the prime years of your life to the fullest. With a great Job, awesome friends, and the love of your life? You have only two choices. Grow or stay where you are. You could also join the military....you will travel, you can gain the necessary experiance for your degree and the military pays for your housing. Whatever you decide to do I wish you good luck and I hope that you move on and LIVE!
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (31 January 2009): You are in your mid twenties, time to grow up and stop letting your parents rule your life.
Is it not possible to move in with your boyfriend? You say you are not sure of him any more but perhaps the problem is made worse because it is a long distance relationship?
You are scared because your parents have controlled your life so far but they won't be around forever. Just think in another 25 years you will be 50 or so. Just remember how quickly the first 25 years went. Believe me when you reach 50 you will wonder why you didn't do things when you had the chance.
Good luck but don't sit there doing nothing or you will end up with nothing.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (31 January 2009): You definitely need to get out of this rut you are stuck in! If you are unhappy with your situation, you must realise that you are the only one who can change any of it. Get yourself that job. Start looking for an apartment to move into. Maybe some positive changes in your life will help you to view your boyfriend in a better light. If it's just not working, then it's time to move on. I think you need to stop being so scared of your parents and start telling them about the things that are going on in your life. You hid your boyfriend from them for five years! That must really make your boyfriend feel important. Your parents need to understand that you are a grown woman who needs to live life like a grown woman should. You are not their teenage daughter that they need to look after anymore. Grow up, get a job, and get out! It seems impossible now, but nothing will be possible if you don't get off your butt and try, you know? Like I said, if you are unhappy with your situation, you are the only one who can change it. I hope everything works out well for you. Best of luck!
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A
male
reader, Ed1337  +, writes (31 January 2009):
 Sounds like you already know what you need to do. Find yourself a job first and save up some money, then look for a place of your own, maybe you can flat share with a mate?
I also found the thought of living on my own very scarry, but its the best thing ever, you can eat what you like, watch what you like on TV and not have to worry about anyone else. It changes you as a person, makes you independant and opens your eyes to the real world.
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