A
female
age
51-59,
*obsky38
writes:This is a difficult one. Me and my partner have recently seperated but still love each other very much. We had been together for 6 years and lived together for four. I have 2 daughters and he has one that lives with his ex. His daughter had been staying over for weekends and holidays for 3 years with no problems. Suddenly in march last year i told her off for being rude to me and she text her mum. Her mum came and picked her up and she was no longer allowed to come to my our house. In july she was allowed to come away with us for 4 days and all was fine until the evening we got back. my daughter and his daughter fell out over sleeping arrangements and subsequently she was not allowed to come here again. My ex finished up moving back to his parents house in september in order to keep access to his daughter because he is terrified of losing contact. This left him with nowhere to have his daughter overnight which is ironic as before she was staying with her grandparents at the weekend with her dad spending all weekend there apart from coming back here to sleep. This was not good enough for his ex and so it as decided that he would get his own place so he had somewhere to have his daughter to sleep over. Since he moved out he has been going to his ex's house and sitting in her house all weekend. Then she got him to stay over for 3 nights while she worked night shifts. We split for 3 weeks because of this but got back together. He continued living with his parents and since his ex thought we were not together he only sees his daughter 1 day at weekends and sits in the house with his ex all day. his daughter told my daughter that she likes her mum and dad being together and she they always give in and let her get what she wants. He told me that there was no chance of them getting back together and i wanted him to tell them we were still seeing each other after christmas because he was being torn. He is so scared of losing contact with his daughter as he lost his 3 boys years earlier and courts ruled against him.Sorry its a bit long winded but i just dont know what to do. We split again on new years day. we talked and he could not cope with being torn but said that he could not say he didn't love me and wanted us to stay friends. I said i dont think i can just be friends and have not spoken or seen him since 3rd janruary until friday when we were in the same pub. It really hurt to see him and not talk. he looked hurt to and was coming to talk but my friend sent him away because i was upset. Any ideas as to we could do anything about this situation as i just feel helpless. We went through so much together. We were more than lovers we were best friends and soul mates.Thank you for taking your time to read this and look forward to any input.
View related questions:
best friend, christmas, got back together, his ex, moved out, my ex, soul mates, soulmate, text Reply to this Question
Share |
Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
female
reader, bobsky38 +, writes (23 February 2010):
bobsky38 is verified as being by the original poster of the questionHi thank you for the replies. The first reply said i should not have told her off. Maybe that is right in some cases but she was staying here a lot of the time not just weekends. I was looking after her while her mother and father were at work. She was being rude to me in front of my daughter of a similar age. She is 12 and my daughter 11. I did not scream at her i merely said not to talk to me like that and that my kids would get into a lot of trouble if they spoke to me like that. surely everyone makes mistakes that they later regret but given the fact that it was the only incident in six years surely should have been taken into account. Usually i would have just tried to ignore her being rude.
Maybe i should have waited until her dad got back and asked him to talk to her about it. I am glad people agree that his ex is manipulating him. I tried to befriend her mother and thought that all was ok but she obviously had issues. Although neither of us really wanted to split and he wanted to stay good friends i have stayed away to give him space to try and see. I think that caring guys comment was really true and i had said this to him but this is why we split up in the end. He just does not want he conflict with his ex which i totally understand and i also understand that he wants to spend as much time with his daughter as he can. Thing is he now only sees her for one day a week since he moved back to his parents because she does not want to come there either. She likes her mum and him being together. The replies have helped me to realise that i have done nothing wrong as i have been blaming myself. Only he can change what is happening and if he does not he will have no future with anyone.
Thank you.
A
female
reader, Angzw  +, writes (23 February 2010):
How old is this child? Anyway the basics of being a step parent is you must never reprimand a step-child who does not live with you full time. The sensitivities of the situation mean she is a temporary guest in your home at that time and little girls are always on the look out for "wicked step mother" vibes. If the child does something wrong, you tell the biological parent to speak to them. Yes, its your house but imagine if your ex husband's girlfriend made your daughter so upset that she called you crying? You would want to protect that child. Even more if the child says they never want to visit daddy again. So avoid snapping at step-children at all costs. Tell the father to deal with any issues.
Now regarding your boyfriend, he is thoroughly manipulated and allowing himself to be controlled. Unfortunately, all you can do is let him make his own decision because its his child. The courts would always give him visitation rights but perhaps he wants to resolve things amicably. Some fathers fear that the mother will poison the child so they give in to everything. Perhaps with his other ex, the boys were so poisoned that they refused to see their dad; its one thing for the court to say you can see your child, but its quite another if the kids actually refuse to see their father because they are being taught to hate him by their mother. So he is going to have to deal with this himself. Perhaps give things a little time to die down and then invite the girl over for one of your kids' parties or something. Step mothers underestimate the power of befriending the ex wife; she doesn't have to be your best buddy but if you reach out to her you can often resolve most problems with her child without a fuss. You can even report the child to her mother when she misbehaves. Ofcourse they never welcome a first attempt at friendliness but over time if you make her understand that its about her child's happiness and comfort then they usually come round.
...............................
A
male
reader, CaringGuy +, writes (23 February 2010):
He is being blackmailed by his ex and won't stop it. That's the problem. He won't lose his children, because he can take her to court and get access. Unless he stands up to his ex, you and he, or he and anyone else don't stand a chance. He's just been pinned by his ex. He can get access through court any time he likes because he hasn't' done anything wrong.
...............................
A
female
reader, Weramazing +, writes (23 February 2010):
 I really do feel for you it must be so tough. I can totally understand that you miss eachother and I to would not feel comfortable if my partner had to lie to his ex and tell her we are not together and sleep at her house. Why would she care if you are together or not it's not like the daughter is seeing you.
It seems like his ex has it all going her way and is calling all the shots.
First I would speak to him and make sure you both want the same thing (to sort this all out) then I would go with him to get legal advice and go from there.
I'm so sorry you are going through this just try to keep strong for you and him and remember if you split she will win so unless he doesn't want to sort this out stick together.
Good luck to you both sounds like you are really in love.
...............................
|
