A
female
age
36-40,
*ammyFaye1985
writes:Hi, I previously asked for advice regarding a relationship I was in for 3 years with a guy I lived with who was controlling and violent. It went on for a number of years and last December I cheated on him with a guy who had been keen on me for a while at work. My boyfriend found out in June this year and attacked me really badly to the point he got arrested and I ended up moving out. I've been seeing the guy from work since June and we both have developed feelings for each other and spend a lot of time together. He is quite a private and cautions guy and I don't know where it's going as we never really solidify anything. I'm worried it might be just sex as we enjoy that a lot but we do spend a lot of time together. But when he introduces me to people I'm his 'friend'. Which annoys me. We also seem to go way out of town for meals and trips and not locally (whether that's due to us working together locally too I don't know) I am certain he isn't seeing anyone else because I am around him for days on end. It's just I keep thinking about my ex and I feel guilt for cheating and guilt for leaving him as I know he's alone and still loves me. I know the violence is bad and the way he controlled my life was bad but we really did have a lot of good times together, travelled the world and did a lot of things together and being exclusive holding hand locally and being introduced to people families and on social media wasn't a problem I knew exactly where I stood and knew he would be there forever and faithful to me. he wanted marriage and kids and the new guy im not sure where it's going but I know I feel something for him and know he does too. I just feel really lost as to what to do and who to chose whether to risk it with the new guy and see where it goes or go back to what I know. I just feel so lost st times and also feel so down about leaving my ex as he was a good guy deep down just it all seemed to go wrong when I moved to his. I honestly am at a point in my life where I want a proper relationship to settle down and kids and I don't have a lot of time as I'm 32 now. I don't know at all anymore .
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male
reader, Woodstock54  +, writes (3 October 2017):
Sounds like you're having FOMO. Fear of missing out. You made a choice and although I don't agree with you cheating, I also don't agree with him lashing out. Either way, the main thing behind this sounds like there was a communication breakdown that led to this situation. FOMO sucks though, it's always in the back of your head and the only way you can get rid of it is by being honest with yourself as to why you did what you did and why you have FOMO. Plus who you want, one or even none
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male
reader, Riot2017  +, writes (3 October 2017):
There is no justification for you cheating your ex, but also there is no justification for him abusing you that time and way before that.Listen, if your EX was abusive way before you cheated on him, then it's A BAD IDEA TO GO BACK. It's like getting out of prison, and once you are out, you want to go back again. It simply makes no sense. Do you think that your abusive EX will let you get into his life without consequences? THE ANSWER IS, NO.Once you go back with him, things will go crazier, and will never be the same. He will want to get revenge on you and will want to further control and abuse you.You see, abusive personalities don't have a lot of empathy, and that's why they are always abusive. If you go back with a person with no empathy, your life will be a misery again.Now, regarding the new guy, you need to have the talk with him, and ask him where things are going. Does he wants kids and all those things. You want him to be honest, and make things quick for you so that you can keep looking for a man that wants what you want.You deserve to be happy, and there are good, non-abusive men out there.Best luck!
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female
reader, aunt honesty  +, writes (2 October 2017):
 You would be selfish to go back to your ex and have children with him, what sort off person brings children in to a violent relationship?
As for this new guy it seems you are his dirty little secret, talk to him, if he does not want the same things as you then end it and learn to be on your own, you don't need a man in your life to be happy. Take some time out alone and rebuild your life, but please do not go back to your ex and have children, no child deserves that. Also I am sorry that you had a violent past. A good guy deep down does not beat up his girlfriend. Don't allow him to brain wash you.
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female
reader, malvern +, writes (1 October 2017):
 You can't go back to the ex, and would he have you back anyway? Nothing would be same as it was before and you would have the added problem of him throwing abuse at you for being unfaithful. Your ex obviously did not make you happy otherwise you would not have cheated on him. I really don't think women cheat on their partners just for 'the hell of it'. Most women have to be unhappy to make them go out and cheat. Unfortunately you're just thinking back to the good times, which we all do, and then we all feel guilty and somehow blame ourselves for everything. There's a saying 'The one who's worth your tears will never make you cry' and I think your ex probably made you cry a few times. Try to put your ex out of your mind and try to enjoy being with your new boyfriend and stop making comparisons between them because everybody's different. He's probably unsure himself and doesn't want to commit too much incase you go running back to your ex. You are both doing the right thing by socialising out of town and that's the best way to keep it.
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female
reader, Andie's Thoughts +, writes (1 October 2017):
 I'm really sorry, OP, but you are focusing on the wrong things.
You left an abusive ex, which is great, but you jumped into a FWB arrangement with the guy you had an affair with. You shouldn't be in a relationship, right now, especially since he's not committed to you or your boyfriend - just a hook up you kind of go on dates with. You're putting yourself in a position that will get you hurt.
You also need therapy to help with your Stockholm Syndrome because you're empathising with your abuser, which will prolong your problems.
Do NOT risk kids until you've been with someone for 2+ years and are married because you need a stable, solid foundation to get through the challenges that having children bring. This man is not a man who wants a serious thing with you or he'd have asked you to be official by now. You may ask, but it really doesn't seem like he's into you as a long-term girlfriend.
I think you need to leave the FWB, focus on your own healing, then start dating men who want children in the future. I also advise avoiding men who take part in affairs.
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reader, anonymous, writes (1 October 2017): He takes you way out of town to make sure he doesn't run into your psycho ex-boyfriend! You've got a past, and it may follow you on two-legs. Your violent ex-boyfriend! You're setting this new guy up for God knows what?
Google "Stockholm Syndrome." You sympathize with, and feel sorry for; the man who controlled, beat, and isolated you from everyone. You're even considering returning to him.
As far as the guy from your job. You ARE only a friend. With benefits! If you decided to have sex before you were officially a committed-couple; that was your choice. It was consensual-sex; and you didn't consider all the ramifications beforehand. Hindsight is 20/20!
He's not committed to you, just because you had sex. Not even if you've had several consecutive-dates. It becomes official upon a mutual-agreement between you both to be exclusive. If that hasn't happened, you're still just a friend. Therefore; he appropriately addressed and introduced you to people as such.
If you're still hanging-on to old feelings for your ex; it's a good thing he hasn't committed to you. Why would anyone in their right-mind commit to a person who still holds feelings for someone she "recently" broke-up with? Not to mention it was a person capable of violence and abuse against women.
You don't get over trauma and beatings that went on for years; just in a matter of a few months! Your mind is still in shock (or denial); if you're so totally unaware of the magnitude and seriousness of what you experienced in your past relationship. It probably means you've internalized and buried your pain. That's not good! You may need professional help; but not a boyfriend, or a husband!
Boyfriends and husbands are not remedies or cures for your troubles. They are additions you add to a already happy and productive life. You don't take from people what you can't give back! They don't bring you happiness in-exchange for your pain and misery. Selfish and dangerous people think like that. Unloading their suffering and baggage on good people. Spreading misery like a virus. We get fixed first!
The guy you're seeing is not sure what your mental-condition is; or how you're dealing with your past, after coming from an abusive-relationship. If he's got half of a brain; he knows you've got some serious baggage, and some emotional-damage that may require counseling or therapy.
He didn't come along to rescue you. From your description, it was all pretty casual. If you're not happy, end it. You thought you found yourself another relationship to replace the old one. Sweetheart, you're not ready for that. He obviously didn't think it was anything serious.
Lets get something straight. A violent-man is not good deep-down. He's troubled and sick to the soul. He's dangerous. Good men don't hit women. Real-men don't hit women. It's okay to feel compassion for a fellow human-being; and not wish any harm upon them. Someone who would punch you in your face, choke you, or put your head through a wall is no one to feel sorry for! If police pressed charges, he beat you pretty badly.
You really seem to have very low self-esteem; and I think your ex is responsible for that.
You're not ready for a new relationship; and least of all for having any children. At best, your post-traumatic stress will find it's way to the surface. The hormones of pregnancy and child-birth naturally bring forth mood-changes and erratic emotions. All that stuff you've pushed down inside will mingle with all that, and you will be one hot-mess! It could hit you all at once; like a ton of bricks! Out of nowhere!
If you feel the guy is just jerking you around and using you for sex; all you've got to do is end it. Before it adds to your already growing stack of emotional-troubles.
You can't just latch-on to the first guy who comes along and lingers with you for awhile. Dating someone regularly doesn't confirm they are "in-love" with you. It means they are fond of you, and have a good-time being with you. Just like with a "friend."
Just because you're 32, and you're trying to beat the clock; doesn't mean you're ready for motherhood. You can't think of marriage and bringing kids into this world until you've got your act and your head together. Kids don't have a choice.
If you're feeling sorry for a man who beat you during angry rages; you're not ready for the stress and strain of a serious relationship. You need to work on yourself, and prepare for having and maintaining better relationships. First you've got to be able to tell a good man from a bad one; before you push-out children, and bring them into a messy dysfunctional family-situation.
Date for fun, companionship, and recreational-purposes.
Minimize having casual-sex. You apparently attach your feelings to sex; and that means you'd attach them to the wrong guy as well.
There are far too many things you've got to fix. You're presently in-repair. You're emotionally out-of-business.
You need to get over your ex; and that might require professional-counseling. You think you're okay; but you're not. Coming out of an abusive-relationship always leaves emotional-scars; and the mental or psychological-injuries may go deep. You don't know what behavioral-disorders may be lurking beneath the surface, just waiting for a trigger. It's irrational to to want to be with someone who has repeatedly done you harm.
No dear, you're far from ready for motherhood, or another new relationship, just yet.
Get-over that woman-beating bum first. Find some counseling to get a clean bill of mental-health; before you consider something as stressful and important as motherhood. For that, you'll need good physical and psychological-health, gentleness; and extraordinary patience. You've been through too much.
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A
male
reader, Been there Now over it +, writes (1 October 2017):
You can't expect the guy from work to be giving you commitments at the three-month mark. Nor to introduce you as anything more than a "friend" or "girlfriend." Three months is way to quick to start talking about having a family... good for him!
Your old boyfriend - the one who attacked you to the point he was arrested - is someone you want to avoid at all costs. You should want your kids to have a better father and example than that! Plus, if he abused you, he'll also abuse his kids, too. You may not think so but wait until some family matter happens that really stresses him. Thank your lucky stars you moved out.
Keep seeing the new guy and keep your eyes open for a possible next guy.
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reader, anonymous, writes (1 October 2017): As youcannotbeserious says, you may subject any children you have with your boyfriend to his abuse and end up rearing them on your own. Other possibilities: You and your children have to hide from him when you leave because he will come after you. You have costly and ugly court battles. You or one of your children end up seriously injured or dead.
It is extremely unlikely he will ever stop his abusive behavior, in fact, it will probably escalate once you are married. He will feel he now has full control over you. You will never have a proper relationship with him. He has serious mental and emotional problems. So he is faithful, wants marriage and kids and you've had some good times together. He's also violent, controlling and out of control. Look up what happened to Nicole Brown Simpson.
Choose not to be with your ex. You've moved out and if you're smart you will stay out. Explore you relationship with this other man. Give it time. If it doesn't work there will be other men. Take your time. You're still young. Plenty of women have children in their forties. I wish you the best!
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female
reader, Youcannotbeserious +, writes (30 September 2017):
 As I see it, you have 3 options:
- go back to the violent abusive ex and endure more abuse and possibly subject any children you have to his abuse, so that you will probably end up on your own at some point with the children to rear.
- stick with this guy for a while and see how things pan out. It is still very early days with him. Perhaps he introduces you as a 'friend" because he is not sure of YOUR feelings for HIM?
- forget the pair of them and start again with someone new.
Whatever you choose, it would be foolish to rush into having children just because your clock is ticking. A child, while a great blessing, also invariably puts great stress on a relationship, so the relationship needs to be built on strong foundations before the advent of the baby. You have many years left to have children. Get the basics right first.
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