A
female
age
51-59,
*oviegurl
writes:My boyfriend and I have been dating for almost six years--on and off--but consistently now for the past three years. I suspect that he’s a bit emotionally unavailable because of his compartmentalization tendencies and the fact that he’s told me he’s not overly “romantic” or sentimental. He’s also sometimes not very expressive--although he has a great sense of humor and loves to kid around with me, makes me breakfast every weekend (I stay at his house), and takes me out every Friday night. His parents also love me, and I know pretty much all of his family--who say I feel like one of them.He was married for almost twenty years and had three kids (two sons and a daughter), all of whom are adults in their early to mid 30s. Apparently, there’s still some bitterness about the divorce, which I think feeds into his feeling about relationships. There is a bit of age difference between us, as he is in his 60s, and I am in my 40s. I was married once before as well.So there’s the background. Now, to get to my question. When we began dating, he would fly to a city in another state to see his daughter, who was single at the time but didn’t want me to go with him because he said she never had a boyfriend staying with her while he was there and felt awkward about taking someone. As our relationship progressed and she married, he began taking me with him for the weekend to see her. On the times I’ve been, I always allow them time alone together in the morning because I sleep in later, and he gets up and does things with her until I am up.The daughter and her husband now have an almost two-old-son, who I love seeing. The last time he went by himself to visit her was right about the grandson was born, and he said that time, he thought he should go alone.Last time we were there in the spring, her husband--who isn’t that warm and friendly anyway--seemed distant. Today, as we were sitting at lunch on the day that my boyfriend’s youngest son is about to get married, I mentioned that last night at the rehearsal dinner that the daughter’s husband seemed a little warmer. My boyfriend agreed.Then he said that next time he flew out to see his daughter, he thought he might need to go solo. He said that his son-in-law’s response to us being there made him feel uncomfortable. Of course, he said he didn’t know if it was us being there, or the son-in-law’s new job, or the added duties of a relatively new fatherhood. I told him that I would hate to miss seeing them, especially the grandchild, since we don’t get to see them that much. I told him I was sorry if it was me making him uncomfortable. My boyfriend said he wondered if the son-in-law just wasn’t much on having company in the house. I think when he realized that I was hurt by the statement, my boyfriend that it was just something he had thought about, and we’d cross that bridge when we got to it.At any rate, I was indeed crushed. I thought that his including me on the trip to see her--and now her son--meant that our relationship had progressed. I always have fun when we go because we do interesting things together and go to restaurants that I neat, etc. His new decision to go alone leave me feeling very excluded. How would you respond to the matter?
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reader, anonymous, writes (9 November 2017): Hi Moviegirl, I'm glad you found my answer helpful :) I wanted you to know that whatever decision you make will be the best one for you at this time. If you decide to stay, you can always leave at another time if the behaviour continues. Maybe this IS a compromise you can work out with him- i.e. maybe he can visit sometimes alone and sometimes with you. But I also wanted you to know that it is also okay if you are tired of the compromises. I think you have to look at the overall picture- do you have shared ideas about what your life will look like together 5 years down the road? Will this man ever let you in to his life as much as you need? Is this one area where he won't "let you in" but he will let you in in others? Can he make you happy or will you always be left feeling that you aren't a "real" member of the family? Or can you let it slide off your back and take the attitude that he is bending over backwards to his daughter to make up for divorce, so some things you will let go. There is no right answer. It is what is best for YOU.I wish you the best. It is never an easy situation of course. Yes I broke up with my LTR now about a month ago. http://www.dearcupid.org/question/did-i-make-the-right-decision-breaking-up.htmlThat was my question a few weeks ago. As you can see I was going through a hard time because in one way I understood where my bf was coming from, but in another way I had to take control back in my life. I asked the big questions and I really thought that we were on the same page about things for so long, but it turned out we weren't. I could compromise on many things but only up to this breaking point.So in your case see if it is worth it to stay...will he provide the big picture for you or no. Best of luck :)
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female
reader, moviegurl +, writes (5 November 2017):
moviegurl is verified as being by the original poster of the questionTo the anonymous female reader: this is such an astute answer and makes so much sense. One of my friends who knows both of us basically told me some of the same things Friday when I talked with her. She, too, thinks my boyfriend will be surprised when he goes alone and the son-in-law isn’t that receptive. Again, I have been going with him since the daughter and son-in-law have been married, so my boyfriend doesn’t really know what it’s like to go to THEIR house solo, as far as the response he’ll get. I would like to see your question about your situation, dear poster, that you referenced, but since you posted anonymously, I don’t know how to get there. Can you give me a link to that question so I may read the answers you received? Thanks.
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (4 November 2017): Dear OP,
In many ways I was in a very similar situation to yours now, with divorcee and age gap included. I know his companionship is great and you love him. Believe me I understand. But basically what Wiseowle advised you is true. He loves your companionship, but he isn't going to go out of his way to change his life for you. Too many years with other things being a priority. I see both sides of the situation, just as I understood where my partner was coming from- BUT in both yours and my case while I understand the other side of the coin I just don't think it is going to work for you (and it didn't work for me). You deserve to be a priority. But this man has other priorities, and so he should, but he is not seeing you as his true partner/wife and perhaps never will.
Divorced dads want to go above and beyond as they are usually compensating for the ways in which they feel a broken home affected their children (whether or not this is even true, some kids adjust very well but parent guilt is still there). I am sure that this is part of the reason he just wants to have this one on one bond with his biological daughter and that is his primary concern on his visits- if you seem to be interfering with this he just doesn't get that he should worry about you as well on these visits.
Another aspect is I doubt very much you were the cause of his daughter's hubbies unfriendliness. He probably doesn't like ANY house guests, including his daughter's father...I think your boyfriend will get quite the surprise when he finds out he is just as unwelcome. Often hubbies don't like what they perceive as interfering in-laws in general.
But that is really beside the point, because your boyfriend should be sticking up for you. Too bad if it is more expensive to get a hotel. Or let the SIL suck it up and be in a bad mood- yes family CAN be an imposition, but people have to learn to suck it up. I don't think your boyfriend should go without you. But he will do anything to please and take the easy path.
In a similar situation myself, I went years not feeling fully incorporated into this divorcees life...the thing is, they have had a marriage fail once, and it seems that they cannot take those walls fully down again, even for someone they love. They will keep their next partner at arm's length and perhaps never fully see you as a real member of the family.
It took me many instances like this to finally walk away, which I have just done. You can read my previous question in Oct as the final straw for me was my divorcee wouldn't move out of his old townhouse that he always told me he would sell and we'd make a home together. When it came down to it he couldn't bear to change his life at this point, too many years suiting himself. Too comfortable being able to have your cake (the woman) and eat it too (living part bachelor lifestyle). I tell you this because I think yours is a similar problem. I think in time this will not cut it for you just as it did not cut it for me. It is sad, I'm sure he loves you so it is his loss ultimately, but if the men are just inflexible at this point in their lives there is no use fighting about it. Love shouldn't be a struggle.
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female
reader, Andie's Thoughts  +, writes (4 November 2017):
 I get the feeling there's an inevitable end to this, but good luck, OP.
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female
reader, moviegurl +, writes (4 November 2017):
moviegurl is verified as being by the original poster of the questionOne final update: today he texted me to explain his "rationale." Here it is, with actual names replaced:"After our last trip to their house, which I thought was somewhat uncomfortable, I began to think about what I could do to go see my grandson and not feel like I'm being disruptive. First, when I've gone to see my daughter in I've always stayed with her, not like when I visit the boys. I thought about my ex-wife's visits -- she doesn't take her husband. If I go by myself, it's hard for my son-in-law to be unpleasant, but if there's another person, maybe he feels crowded. My daughter has never said anything, but I've just tried to figure out the dynamics. If I get a hotel, which also requires a car rental, the trip becomes considerably more expensive, and if my daughter asks why I'm getting a hotel room, my response could either start an argument between the two of them, or hurt her feelings. I just want to be able to see my grandson with as few complications as possible."
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reader, moviegurl +, writes (3 November 2017):
moviegurl is verified as being by the original poster of the questionBy the way, an addendum to my update: I really think he's just using the son-in-law as an excuse. For whatever reason, he just wants to go alone. I don't understand it.
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female
reader, moviegurl +, writes (3 November 2017):
moviegurl is verified as being by the original poster of the questionI think part of the problem is that the son-in-law, whose parents split when he was young, was mostly raised by his grandparents and had no siblings; thus he doesn't have a strong sense of family. And no one resents the father: they all get along well. My boyfriend and his three kids (daughter and two sons) stay in touch constantly via text.
Well, here's the update. Yesterday, he booked the trip to see his daughter next weekend. Later in the evening he texted me about it. Thus, I have booked a trip to another city to visit with his son and girlfriend and their two-year-old son, who adores me as much as his grandfather. We go to visit them pretty regularly, and he never has a problem with me going there. Of course, we stay in a hotel. I'm going to enjoy it! If I can't join him, I'll just top him.
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reader, aunt honesty  +, writes (3 October 2017):
 I can understand your pain here. My guess is that your partner is trying to keep his son in law happy. He seems to feel some tension and thinks it might be best to avoid conflict. Could it be possible that his daughter is still coming to terms with everything and that is why he is trying to exclude you? Could you maybe talk to his daughter and tell her how much you care and how you would love to join. If all else fails you simply need to tell your partner that you are either part off the family or not, it is unkind to leave you out.
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reader, BrownWolf  +, writes (2 October 2017):
Hello Moviegurl,
Hate to say it...But you are caught up a web of pain you cannot win.
Simple reasons...
1) There is a lot of history of resentment in that family mix. Since they resent the father, they will also resent anyone he is with.
2) You are not dealing with small children who are able to adapted to these changes. His kids are adults, and the memory of their parents divorce, is still fresh in their mines in some ways.
3)You have been together 6 years. Where is your relationship going? I assume he does not want marriage again. Do you plan to hang on until death do you part, even without marriage? Do you not want someone to have a more "Normal" life with? To avoid all that family drama?
Just asking.
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reader, Billy Bathgate +, writes (1 October 2017):
I would begin dating someone else while he is away. The SiL is uncomfortable because he knows you are not part of the family in the boyfriend's eyes. Boyfriend not taking you to see the daughter and the grandchild who I suspect in your heart you think of as family is his way of keeping you at arm's length.
You need to resign yourself to the fact that this is probably as close as you are going to be to this guy. If you're okay with that then just go on as you are. If not then it is long past time to have a serious talk about where your relationship is going after three years of being serious and I assume exclusive.
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reader, anonymous, writes (1 October 2017): If his son-in-law is not keen on visitors; it may be due to the size of their dwelling, apart from his unfriendliness.
He and your boyfriend are virtually strangers!
Housing and entertaining two unfamiliar-adults in a small house or apartment, with a new baby, is also overwhelming.
Your boyfriend and his son-in-law have not had the time necessary to form a closer-bond, or get to know each-other. I don't think either cares to be chummy, to be honest. He only wants to see his daughter and grandchild, and be on his way. You being an extra, kind of adds to that tension.
Getting to know your new father-in-law, and not being much of a host to begin with. Well, you have to take these things into consideration. That takes time, and that could take a while with two guys who aren't particularly friendly.
How anybody would or could marry someone who isn't warm and welcoming to their family, doesn't sit well with me. I don't want to be emotionally-attached to someone with a dysfunctional or creepy family-situation. It's a deal-breaker for me; if you don't like my family! They're nice and very sweet folks. They love who I love; and who loves me. If yours doesn't like me? Bye-bye! I foresee too much family-drama down the road. I dread drama! I'll jet!
It smells of a controlling-jerk who wants to isolate her to maintain his hold. He can at least be friendly and hospitable. Just being a little tepid only means he barely tolerates her dad; so it's more or less fake. Probably because she asked him to be nicer. When they need a loan, they usually change their tunes. They'll get sweet and sappy. It would make you shutter.
Your boyfriend is mature and experienced enough to know this; but has little choice but to honor the host's wishes in his house and domain. You're not a wife, so your presence just doesn't hold the same weight or honors. Sorry! They just aren't that kind of peeps!
How often did she/they even bother to visit your boyfriend over the last three years? That should tell you something. So don't take that personally.
You are basically wanting to assume the duties, honors, and position of your boyfriend's spouse. Apparently your boyfriend places you in the role of a "perpetual-girlfriend." You're a weekend house-guest. He has not moved you in, and he hasn't considered marriage after all this time. Therefore; he is happy with things just as they are. He doesn't want to bring you any closer. He told you he "isn't romantic or sentimental." Then to me he's a complete dud. Useless!
So what the hell do you see in this guy? Is he wealthy?
My mother died at the age of 42. My father was 52. My dad sparsely dated women for companionship; but never remarried.
Good-looking man. A prize-catch!
He hired a nanny for my younger-siblings. At one point, neighbors thought the attractive woman spending long days at our house was his mistress that he must have stashed-away.
So gossip fluttered throughout our staunchly-conservative upper-class neighborhood; until one bold neighbor actually asked my father "who is that woman? Your wife only died six-months ago, and you have children!!!"
My dad said at that point he smiled, and just turned and walked into the house. I asked him why didn't he explain it to her? He said he never intended to replace my mother; but he needed a woman's help to mind and care for the younger ones (the youngest being only two years-old.) He doesn't need permission from neighbors; nor need to explain what goes on in his private-home. He said he has all that he needs. He has built a home and a life with my mother, and his life was complete at this point. That's all anybody needs to know. That's my Pops! I guess we're alike!
Looking back at my father in those days, I think your boyfriend is also at that point. He feels no need to start-over. He doesn't care to have a wife in his 60's. Apparently he doesn't feel he needs one. He just likes the company of a lovely younger-woman.
I think you might want to consider whether he offers you enough by just keeping you in a holding-pattern; and throwing you a bone now and then to pacify you.
You want a husband, and he has given you no signs that's what he wants to be. I think, at this point in his life; he too feels his life is complete. Your purpose serves as female-companionship, and that's where it ends.
I think you've held-on thinking someday he will change his mind.
My dad died at the age of 83. He never remarried, and we had the same nanny until my youngest brother turned 15. She remained our housekeeper, on and off. We got a new one when she and her husband retired and moved away. I always wished dad had a steady-girlfriend. He did whatever he liked. He visited my mother's grave after church every Sunday; and he seemed happy and content with his kids and grandchildren. Oh, and golf! He loved golf!
I think your boyfriend is the same sort of man, only he has a bitterness towards marriage. Not the same attitude as my father. It's not uncommon for older-men to remain bachelors after a marriage ends, for whatever reasons. They like having their freedom and independence back.
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reader, malvern +, writes (1 October 2017):
 It seems to me that it's the son-in-law who's got a problem, not your partner. Perhaps now that he has a two year old he wants a Grandma whom he regards as permanent for the child ie, married to the Grandfather, and not one who possibly may not be sticking around. This is only a suggestion. Believe me I have endless problems with my partners family so I know how you feel. Unfortunately people make judgements when you're not actually married to your partner. I know it's not fair but sadly it's how people are. However, your partner should not pander to the wishes of the son-in-law and cast you into the background every time he visits. Your partner needs to ask his daughter why her husband is being 'funny' with you. I have to say though that I do agree with a previous answer that mentions the age gap between you both. If you're not careful you could end up as your partners carer one day as I've seen happen several times over. It may be the age gap that bothers the son-in-law because perhaps you're not that much older than he is?
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reader, Andie's Thoughts +, writes (1 October 2017):
OP, you are in the prime of your life and he is nearing retirement age. This is what you are going to get for the rest of your relationship with him.
Take a moment to asses if this is all that you want from a relationship for the rest of your life.
The exclusion. The lack of commitment. The emotional unavailability. Don't try to solve it because it's who he is. Now you have to decide if it's what you WANT.
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