A
female
age
30-35,
*ozziie
writes:Hi there,I've recently been through, and put others through, quite an ordeal.My boyfriend, who I have been seeing for 4 months now, is wonderful. He's everything I've ever wanted, and I love him more than anything. The thing is, we started out wrong.He was dating a friend-of-a-friend of mine. She was crazy... She would cry when he left her house, emotionally blackmailed him, was super clingy, and just an immature nightmare to deal with. He fell out of love with her, but stayed with her because he was worried about her mental stability.We had been friends for a little while. We talked quite alot, met up a few times, and discovered that we felt very deeply for each other. After being with her for 5 months, he cheated on her with me, and then broke up with her soon after, telling her the truth.I asked him whether he wanted to take a break before dating someone else. He said "No," immediately, and explained that he wanted me as soon as he could have me, and didn't want to waste a second.We had fallen very quickly, very deeply in love. I had never had something like this happen before, I usually started out so slowly and uncomfortably in previous relationships. My last one lasted 4 years, and I felt I knew how to play the game - this, however, was just unexpected. I felt comfortable... I feel right, with him.In exchange for this, though, I've lost a large group of friends. I feel disgusted with myself, and I can't get over what an awful person I was to do that to her... Yes, he wasn't in love with her, and yes she was awful for him to be with, but afterwards she told me what a disgusting human being I am, and other now-ex-friends made me feel the same.The thing is, I know I deserve it. I deserve all of it. If I was in her shoes, I would want me to feel this way.The idea that I am feeling this way is upsetting him. He says it was not my fault, that he was the one who cheated on her, and that she needed to grow up, emotionally. Regardless, though, I lost alot of self-esteem and self-confidence. And though I joke about it and try to brush it off to people, not talk about it, it's all just hit me.I need to start the healing process, and I need to find my old confident, happy self. Not just for him, but for me. I am also worried that feeling this way is going to make him start distancing himself from me... I don't want to become her, to him.But I have no idea WHERE to start... Can somebody help me?
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (12 January 2011): Thanks for the update.
Cheating is never easy and admitting that u did wrong is never easy esp to oneself.
Perhaps we all need some judgement sometime so that we can account for our action.
I always say : do not gain your happiness from another persons tears/unhappiness.
I am glad you have sent that letter. You can now move on with this man. I just say keep an eye on him. You wouldn't want him to do to you what he did to his ex.
Good luck
LoveGirl
A
female
reader, tozziie +, writes (12 January 2011):
tozziie is verified as being by the original poster of the question Thanks everyone for the advice. I wrote a letter to her straight after all of this happened, apologising, telling her how awful I felt and how I felt that I deserved every bit of hatred she felt towards me. I told her I knew I'd lost her friendship, I didn't expect to get it back, and that I wished her the best. The response wasn't friendly, but what can you expect? I don't blame her.
To LoveGirl: I think maybe I didn't do his side of the story justice, and may have portrayed him inaccurately. I neglected to mention that he has felt awful over the whole situation with her, and has struggled with his own self-perception as well. He has only recently started moving on from the situation and, remembering that his relationship with her made him unhappy, is the way that he copes. He is genuinely a very caring person, and - to a degree - I think he was desparate to get out, because she was holding him to her through emotional blackmail.
Frankly, I find some points you made in your answer very judgemental and negative. "At least you have now shown that you do have a conscious after all. It took you 4 months to realise how wrong you were and that is a good sign" ? - I've felt awful about this from the beginning. Though I made a mistake, I've got a healthy conscience. I've been trying to keep going with my life, continue with university work etc by not focussing on it. Now that the holidays are here, I have finally crashed. It's been exhausting, keeping up the charade.
I expected some very negative responses, I guess I should be glad there was only one. Thanks for your honest opinion, though.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (10 January 2011): Basically you have to forgive yourself. You know that what happened was not ideal. Both you and your boyfriend are at fault here, although your boyfriend is more so (he should have finished with her before starting up with you), but it is often the girl that gets the full force of blame in these things. There are bound to be those who take against you. But you just have to ride it out. Accept that you will need to take time to win people over and its not going to happen over night. But what has happened has happened and you need to not be dragged down by it. It will pass, just belive that and try to be hopeful.
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A
female
reader, auntieloulou  +, writes (10 January 2011):
 Sounds like a tricky situation. Your partners ex will probably be still hurting and feeling emotionally raw, you've got to give her time to simmer. As for your friends who you are not friends with anymore, if they are not supportive or do not give constructive criticism/advice to you then you don't need them in your life. I suggst you write a letter to your partners ex and tell her how you feel. This will give you the chance to say your piece to her and also will help her to understand. I believe whats meant to be will be in life and she will understand in time. We all make mistakes, but the trick is to learn from them. You and your partner both were in the wrong, but what's done is done. You cant change what happened, but you can try and show her where you were coming from. this might help her to understand and move on, and in turn help you to move on too. Hope this helps!
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (10 January 2011): When you betray a good friend the way you did it totally shatters lives.
I do not blame your friends for abandoning you, after all if you could destroy a good friend then they did not want to have you as a 'friend' as well. Not only are people taking about what you did, they saw it for themselves.
When you 'steal' /destroy/ hurt one of your buddies this is the ultimate betrayal.
How do you start the healing process? Ask yourself why you did what you did. With some many single guys out there you had to cheat with your good friends bf. It doesn't matter that their relationship was not the best. He was not yours for the taking.
I find that he has been very cruel with his words towards her:he said that she needed to grow up emotionally. How did he go about ensuring she grew up emotionally? He had sex with her friend. Do you think that was right?
You now bf doesn't seem to realise just how wrong you both were. This speaks volumes about the kind of person he really is. He cheated on his gf with you, he cared nothing about hurting her and now he just said she needed to grow up emotionally.
Let this be a warning to you: if he could throw her away without much thought then what will he do to you.
You say you do not want to 'become her, to him'. Honey you already have. You just do not know it.
She cried...you are crying
She hurt... You are hurting
Are you not afraid that he will cheat on you too?
In the end you need to decide whether betraying a friend was worth it and then live with the consequences.
History will repeat itself and then what. Your good friends want nothing to do with you because of your betrayal.
You have lost your reputation and your good name because you took your friends boyfriend. In the end you need to question whether this man is worth your dignity?
At the moment there are major cracks in your relationship. I am sure you cannot even look your friends in the eye at all.I do not blame you. After all actions speak louder than words.
At least you have now shown that you do have a conscious after all. It took you 4 months to realise how wrong you were and that is a good sign.
From your bf and yourself you have shown remorse for what you did to another person. He has not. To me this speaks volumes of the kind of person he is and pretty soon his true colours will be revealed. Personally I do not see you in a long term relationship with him. Something has already dies and the words truth, honesty and compassion is missing from him. At least you now have compassion for his ex gf and what she went through. He doesn't care and that is a big red flag. The question is, when will he turn against you?
I repeat:
You lost your honour
You lost your friends
You now have a reputation
You have proven to be untrustworthy
WAS THIS MAN WORTH what you had to endure and give up?
LoveGirl
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (10 January 2011): You lost a circle of friends over a guy?
You just need to find a new circle.
Be more proactive, indulge your interests, meet people, and find excuses to spend time with people besides your boyfriend. Meeting people with a clean slate will help you move on and show him that you are trying to move on as well.
From the sound of it, your old circle of friends wasn't that great anyway if they verbally abused you. Maybe see this is a good thing and a challenge to grow up? Stop beating yourself up, you haven't done anything wrong.
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