A
male
age
41-50,
*alph
writes:I met a great girl 8 months ago. We get on fantastic. But a little problem is starting to put tension and barriers between us.we have run into her ex b/f on a number of occasions. On the first occasion at her local pub she chatted with him for a large portion of the night in front of me, and although she assures me there was nothing in it, she had her hand on his chest while laughing at his joke in company at the end of the night. This was hard to look at. on the same night her ex also told her he was ready to settle down.They grew up together, but broke up as he treated her no so well. She also says she was more into him than the other way around. he also texted one night asking her if she was going out in town one night, when she recieved this text she laughed and wanted to reply with " no, im at home having s*x with my b/f"...i felt like i was being used as a cheap stick to taunt him. As she admitted to flirting with him before we met and knocking him back just to get at him.The next time we met, she again spent time alone talking with him outside the pub smoking, even though she knows im uncomfotabe with this.Next came her 30th birthday. She not only invited him to the party, but also invited him to stay with us for the night as his house is 30 minutes away. I dreaded this night before the event ( she says she had no choice to invite him as her brother is very quiet and wanted his friend there ( the ex )...on the night she spent 10-15 mins outside alone with him smoking while 20 of us sat inside the restaurant. One person commented on how long she was outside while we were waiting to give her the birthday cake. When we got home, 4 of us went drinking. I went to bed at 4.30am...she stayed up with him and 2 others until 7am.This issue has caused major arguments. She feels i dont trust her with him, but more to the point I feel she is being very inconsiderate to me, and this is causing great anxiety. After the birthday, her sister told her she was putting me in a verty uncomfortable position which nobody would be happy with. This prompted her to apologise, but i dont feel she has fully got the message as after apologising, she said the best idea is that she doesn't bring me to her local pub anymore..is that not telling me im the problem???Whether there is something between them or not, should be not have a boundary there in order to give this relationship a chance?To compound my confusion. She admitted to getting jealous having seen pictures of my ex girlfriend.....I cannot understand why she cant see my point of view..particularly when a picture from the past is just a drop in the ocean compared to being stuuck in a "live" situation with a clearly friendly ex.It goes against my principles as i would never put her in this position that she expects me to be comfortable with.Am i being unreasonable / jealous? Please help as it's driving me crazy![Moderator Note: Added]My girl is still blatantly friendly ( flirting )with her ex and on the 3 occasions we met him she has "just happened" to go and have a private fun chat with him. This makes me very anxious and it's causing major tension. I would never do this to her. Am I just jealous or is she being disrespectful to the relationship? ...
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (21 November 2007): that is definatly wrong!
being a girl myself i would usually try to defend her..but theres nothing to defend! she needs her a** kicked!
if you were to dump her the guy wouldnt be interested at all..he likes the compitition! and maybe she likes seeing you jealous, since she prob felt the same way being with this other guy, or else, (painfully) shes using you to bring her closser to him.
your obviously a great guy to have let her go so far!! and most girls would be honored to have a guy like that!
i was wondering why you loved her so much? surly this would bring a huge hold in your relationship!
if its for looks, then there are plenty of beautiful girls out there!
my and my boy have an open talking relationship! we talk about everything thats bothering us, and if you cant do that with your girl, you should leave her. think abut the positioves in your relationship, and does that overthrow the negitaves?
if you talk about things, and she laughs its no doubt it will get back to her 'ex' and then they will have a giggle together. dump her until you can see shes truly changed, if not, move on with life!
A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (20 November 2007): My girl was doing very similar things. Where as she would talk to her ex(long distance)on the phone. Sometimes when I was around and sometimes I wasn't. She went and met up with him a few times while he was in town working or vise versa. She went to his job site and the chatted for a few minutes purely innocent. I wasn't too mad about this at first b\c she told me about it but for about a week I was dying inside. I couldn't even look my self in a mirror thats how disrespected and thrown to the side I was feeling about the situation. Eventually after about a week I said something to her, before hand I convinced myself that this was the last time we would talk about it. I sat her down and told her exactly how I fealt about the situation and how it made me feel when she was talked to him and went to meet up with him. So I asked her to make a decision, either she valued their relationship both past and present more than ours, or she wouldn't talk to him. Now I didn't say that she wasn't to talk to him if we saw him out and about b\c that would be way over the top and thats not me at all. but the phone calls would have to stop and the meeting up with eachother would have to stop as well b\c I was taking it as a kick in the junk every time she did it. She understood where I was coming from and I understand that she doesn't want to hurt him and abandon him but I said that he forefited all of those privelages when he broke up with her. If he cared that much about their "friendship" then he wouldn't have broken up with her in the first place. Keep in mind they dated for a long time. I am not sure if they still talk occasionally behind my back. And quite frankly I don't care she is there with me when we sleep and wake and I am not going to drive my self crazy over this any more. I told her how the entire situation made me feel and if she wants to continue with the behavior that makes me so upset then she is not right for me and I don't want to have anything to do with her. That being said I am not sure you feel as though you have you back on the ropes yet but before you do I would have one final talk about this and if she doesn't respond or tries to avoid it or is trying to mis place the blame then I would simpaly tell her that this is not what you envisioned when you got into a relationship with her and I would leave. Not on bad terms just the 2 of you have different ideas about what is expected behavior in a relationship and I wouldn't have anything to do with her in the future. She uses her ex to get her feel goods and I wouldn't let her do that to you if you do in fact decide to end the relationship.
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (26 October 2007): Look buddy I've seen this situation a thousand times before and it comes down to one thing, attraction and how a woman becomes attracted to a man. Women are emotional creatures and any man that can spike both good and bad emotions in a woman will create attraction. Now what seems to have happened with you is you have made her the prize and betaised yourself by showing concern over her flirtations with her ex. I am not saying you need to be a jerk but have you ever wondered why it seems that nice guys finish last. Let me give you an example of what i mean. Say to your girl one day in a very serious way 'baby if i were to tell you something even though it might really offend you would you still want me to tell you?' this will set a concerned state in her mind, then follow up with any specific compliment you can. Be careful though you'll usually see a big smile and even some playful punching, this is attraction at work, see the emotional swing you created. Bust her on her mannerisms and poke fun at her in a playful non-vindictive way. Reclaim your power as a man within the relationship, women like to be led, do not be tense about the ex-bf in fact be ambivalent to it until you can cave man her at home, throw her against the wall and kiss her and then have some very intense sex. Chat to other women, I'm not saying doing it in reaction to her chatting to her ex but get other women laughing and she will see this, women notice this. take the frame in your mind that you are the prize, and she is lucky to have you. Be unpredictable in what you do and say, women love excitement, why not whisper something in her ear like 'I'm going to f**k you so hard later for being so naughty,' women are conditioned not to be sluts in society but believe me they all have very dirty thoughts and love sex more than any man can imagine, read My secret Garden by Nancy Friday for an insight to what I'm saying. After you've whispered it be a man and shake the ex's hand with a big smile then walk away without a care in the world this will make him feel awkward thus betaising him and making you look more alpha. Good luck. Tom
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A
male
reader, Karlos Omnis +, writes (24 October 2007):
 I too have an almost identical situation with my girlfriend, which is weird to see it mirrored so well here. But on the plus side it gives me the scope to give you some good advice (I hope).
To be blunt, he will always be in the picture, end of. My girlfriend has known her ex for around three years now, and yours has known hers for the entirety of her life, so I can safely assume the same applies.
My girlfriend's 25th birthday just passed (last week) at which her ex sent her a custom made bear, with a card explaining how "he didn't wish to stir things, and it made me think of our time together on the ferry".
Obviously this is grossly inappropriate, and I really feel he does not know his place (other similar actions are performed, with the comment to the nature of not wishing to sir things).
It even extends that she refuses to ask him whether he is visiting in fear that it will hurt his feelings if she explains why she is so keen to know (me).
And again, she has issues with other girls, a girl at my work is now no longer able to converse with me due to the sh*tstorm my girlfriend kicked up, when all we were and ever would be is friends.
You have to assess whether you think you deserve better, and if you feel you do, you know what answer I can give.
I wouldn't put up with the crap that you've described, and similarily you probably wouldn't put up with the crap I have.
Gives us both something to think about really, doesn't it?
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A
female
reader, lilgirly  +, writes (24 October 2007):
 i just wonder if u were talking to ur ex gf how would ur new gf feel..!? she went mad because of photos!she doesn't regard ur feelings cz if she did she would be trying to make u feel most loved! talking to her ex is a very dangerous issue even if nothing is going on but talking to him means knife edge cz she knows that would hurt u! u talked to her about it but she didn't say anything !i would never try to even bother my loved ones !but hurting them would kill me, if i even think to talking to my ex trust me my bf wouldn't even know me anymore.......so tell her that her talking to him bothers you so she has to pick u or him!
because it wouldn't make u feel safe having an ex lover in her life even if they r only freinds cz u never know what happenes ... take a break u desevre it.....
gd luckXXX
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A
female
reader, happytochat  +, writes (24 October 2007):
I think she is being inconsiderate of your feelings. She may well not have any intentions of cheating on you and she may not ever do that, buttt some of her behaviour around her ex is still disrespectful to you. I think the worst one was her laughing at his jokes and puting her hand on his chest. So I do think you have a reason to feel how you do feel, if I was in your situation id feel the same.
Is your gf insecure do you think? Maybe thats why she flirts with her ex, to boost her selfesteem? It seems to me thats waht she is doing. As you said, she purposly turned down her ex once just to get back at him, AND that would make her feel good about herself, sorta like 'no im too good for you'. She may enjoy the attention from her ex. She probably likes knowing that he still wants her.
Its a hard situation to deal with. Have another talk to her. Tell her specifically what she does. I understand that you feel what she is doing is worst then you having the photos and it may be, but the point is, you need to consider her feelings as well as yours, despite whether or not she considers yours. So get rid of the photos. say sorry...then its up to HER to own up to what she has done.
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A
male
reader, ralph +, writes (24 October 2007):
ralph is verified as being by the original poster of the questionyeah, the problem is her family is close friends with him. But I still maintain that you must set a cear boundary with ex's in order to give a new relationship a chance. I cant figure if she's just Not a jealous person or if flirting with him is more important. She is outgoing & bubbly - but is hot tempered & occasionally insecure when she asks me if i would ever cheat. Also i cant help but withdraw slightly form the relationship as a result of this behaviour & she picks up on it instantly but doesn't seem to be able to link it to her behaviour. We've talked it out & a week after apologising and admitting she was wrong she told me that the argument really stressed her out - insinuating she would not be able to cope with that again. i feel she is avoiding her responsibility here & putting the blame at my door - even after apologising!!
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (24 October 2007): Firstly you are not going mad, her behaviour is very wrong if i did this to my boyfriend i would be long gone and vice versa anyway i think maybe she could be doing it to get back at you for the photo thing or maybe they are just genuinly friends but i think you should lay down the law and tell her how strongly you feel on the matter and that she needs to take it down a notch or two and that yo dont mind polite chit chat but no long conversations dissapering acts on text messages if she feels for you as you feel for her she wil do it if not then you deserve better you need to ask yourself do i want to spend the rest of my life being treated like this.
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A
female
reader, TELLULAH +, writes (24 October 2007):
 NO YOUR NOT BEING UNREASONABLE.She is clearly loving every moment of all this attention, and as you say she cant take it if she see's a picture of your ex. That's a double standard if ever I heard of one.Maybe she is telling the truth, and he means nothing to her apart from as a friend. But she really needs to be told the damage she is doing to you, whilst she gets back at the EX. My ex boyfriend stayed mates with his ex, because his best friend was her brother. They flirted at family get togethers, and I was always expected to stand and watch. One day I snapped and we had an almighty row.Just tell her, that if his feelings mean more to her than yours maybe you need time apart.My Ex never went back to his ex when we split, which I thought he might. But I knew I deserved better.Good luck honey. XX
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