A
male
age
36-40,
*mack
writes:My girlfriend and I are in a long distance relationship; in November, we will have been together for two years. She started grad school recently, and she says that she wants a change of scenery because she's been sitting around the house lately (understandable). So, she goes to a party a few weeks ago that she wasn't sure she wanted to go to in the first place because there were people there that she didn't want to see (her ex boyfriend from high school being one of them). I thought it was weird that they connected again after so long, especially after she expressed a great deal of dread in seeing him. I encouraged her to get out and have fun, but this quick reconnection with her ex is creepy. First of all, I was fine when she said he was married and had two kids, but I got nervous when she told me he was getting a divorce. I don't understand; she hasn't talked to him in four years, and they become best friends after one night at a party? Now, for two weeks this passed summer, she'd been hanging out with this guy and his friends (whom she seems to get along with) almost every night after work, and even when she doesn't have work. She seems to be so excited to go over there, but what bothers me is that this seems like some kind of boundary that has been crossed. I mean, we have conversations during the day because I work at night, and I usually get home at around 10:30. We used to talk online and do webcam dates when we both got home from work, but now that she's hanging out with him more,I feel like I'm getting sloppy seconds because she'll call me when she's driving back from his place in the morning (hung over, I might add), or when she's already over there. The only times I can talk to her now are during the day and at night when she's hanging out with him and it makes me feel like second best. Since she's either so tired from being hung over or spending the night over his place, we fight a little more and it gets frustrating since she has work and classes, too.She says she's going to a party, and it gets me even more nervous because she says that she spent that night at a friends' house while her ex was there. And now she's spending the night at his place with his children and I don't like it, but because I'm three states away, I can't really do anything about it.What also bothers me is the fact that she says that she wants to get as much social time in as possible before grad school classes start up. I have no problem with my girlfriend hanging out with other people. I trust her, but I don't trust him. Why would I? He's another male taking up her time; he's in pain because his wife wants to divorce him... why would I trust him? Then again, I should only worry about trusting her, right?I just feel weird because I'm not comfortable with her hanging out with him so much. If it was every once in a while, I could understand, but every night or almost every night that she's free is too much even for me. Maybe it's because we're not physically together, so I don't take precedence in her life, but I would think that there would be some type of boundary. I don't hang out with my ex girlfriends every night, and we're on very good terms. I want to tell my lady how I feel about it, I'm trying not to seem like a jealous boyfriend or that I'm telling her not to spend time with other people; yet, there is a part of me that doesn't feel like I'm being respected. And I'm about to take the weekend to go up there for a visit. I found out recently that she's doing homework over there now, and that she's still going over there a fair amount. Why can't she just find other people to hang out with? What is so special about this guy and his friends that she continues to hang out with him knowing I feel the way I feel? She's not getting that I'd like to see her on webcam at least once in a while (since I keep asking, I would hope it's pretty obvious that it's important to me), and that I keep asking her after work... so wouldn't it be safe to kinda stay home one night talk to me? We talk earilier in the day, but that's only because I never know when I'm going to speak with her because her schedule is so erratic with her job and grad school. Why am I feeling unimportant and what will it take to really get my point across? Do I have to start hanging out at some girls' place every night to get her to understand? Do I have to go there every night after work and every free block of time that I have to make her feel the way I'm feeling? How can I not feel like this anymore; is this the sign that I'm overly self-conscious? Am I being unreasonable or am I right on point with feeling this way?
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male
reader, EN_Ken  +, writes (17 September 2009):
From the way it sounds, it seems as though you do not feel like your girlfriend is appreciating the relationship that you have with her. She is visiting this man, who she used to be involved with, with suspicious frequency. The fact of the matter is, you are right not to trust the other man. I do not believe that the only person who you have to worry about trusting is the woman that you're with because, if the conditions are right, even the most faithful woman would be tempted. That does not mean that she would necessarily cheat on her boyfriend/husband but it does mean that she would be tempted.The disrespect that you feel is because of the line that you feel has been crossed. The natural course of action is to point out what that line was and to see if she decides to respect it. Tell her that you do not trust the other guy and feel that the relationship is threatened by him.Not to be harsh, but the worse case scenario here is that she slept with him on the night of that first party she went to and that is what recreated the connection that she now shares with him. If you are going to talk to her about her behaviour, I would suggest you prepare yourself for the possibility that this is, in fact, the case and that she wants to break up with you. Hope that helps.-Ken Phillips
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