A
female
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:My foster mother, who I lived with for 6 years, tried to badmouth me to my new wife while I ran an errand with my little foster brother(he still lives with her). I am dumbfounded. See, I was a good kid, as in the only things she can say about me was that she one time found a fork in my room or when I amassed a small collection of empty waterbottle in a bag on my door. She tried to tell my wife that I did not use to be a motivated person (not true: I had extracurricular activities, excellent grades, went to college in sciences and engineering, became student body president...so not true). Then, my foster mom off-handly made a comment to my wife when I went to talk to my little bro (he was adopted at 2) about getting his grades in order. It is really hard focusing on school when living with that woman--I know...went through her games, too, from her upping the volume on the tv when I was studying to picking weird random fights with me about politics while I was trying to study for an exam. The comment I mentioned before that she made to my wife was, "What the hell are they doing up there? Did she jump into bed with him". My wife was completely disgusted by this comment and told her never again to make such a messed up kind of sick insinuation. I really really hate this woman, and the only reason I talk to her and try to stay on good terms in because my little bro still lives there.My little bro is in 11th grade, and I don't know how much longer he will be living with her after he graduates...if he graduates. To top it off, my foster mom used to make weird-sick comments about his genitalia growing when he was younger. She would say, "He is really starting to change down there", and would look all flustered (eeewww). I had to pull the plug on that one, and demanded that she no longer give him baths and told him what she was saying to people, including her coworkers. I told him 9 years old is too old to be given baths by his mom, and it was time for him to take showers by himself. I tried telling the social worker about this, but the social worker would minimize anything I brought up as if I was looking too far into things. My foster mom would make these kind of comments about his genitalia often.She did lots of creepy-weird-manipulative behaviors. Anywho, please please please, can someone give me a little advice about how to address these comments. I have not said anything yet to my foster mom, since it happened 2 days ago while visiting for Thanksgiving.I have a feeling if I say something she will just cut me off from contacting the home,which means my little bro and I wont have contact and I am trying to tutor him via skype.If you are wondering, yes, I am a woman who married another woman.
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (5 December 2013): Original Poster Here:@FA: Yes, I am saying there is nothing I can do at this point. It is out of my control because I have NOTHING other than accusations to go on. There is no hard evidence. She is not dumb enough to do outright things. Emotional abuse is something that is very difficult to expose. My foster bro is not being beaten. He is being yelled at and talked down to. She buys purchases things he wants...like video games. He gets almost anything he wants, from the new ps4 to a huge stash of treats/sweets. I cannot say that he is financially neglected. From what as pointed out to me is that he is trading his autonomy for the physial comforts of which she supplies. I have lived through many situations, but when it comes to an intelligent sociopath, unless they do something that one can prove, it is almost impossible to catch them. There is also a social worker who stays in contact with her. Foster mom is sweet as pie around this social worker. It is like night and day.Seriously, this is not about "rocking the boat". This is about doing the best I can with what I have, which is skype and my foster bro finding it within himself to want to leave. It does add up. This is just not one of those types of homes where the child is neglected financially, physically abused, and deprived of basic necessities. He does not ditch school, do drugs, stay out past curfew. This is a subtle form of abuse. Social workers do not take kids away for being yelled at by parents, because that is exactly what my accusation will sound like when I tell the social worker what she is doing. They won't hear the nuances. There are too many foster kids and not enough homes, thus, they triage situations. His situation would not fit in a way that would require DCFS to interfer. That just does not happen. There has to be more to go on, atleast from what I know about what is considered reason for DCFS to investigate.
A
male
reader, Fatherly Advice +, writes (5 December 2013):
 Something rots in Denmark.
You have been told by a qualified professional that there was no abuse to worry about. Then now you are being told to leave him until he finds his inner strength. I've got alarm bells going off all over here. #1 we do not leave a person in a potentially abusive situation until they find strength. We investigate any report of abuse no matter how unlikely. Something is really missing here. I'm no professional, but I've volunteered with youth enough to know the rules.
An abused person does not just find strength, they either fade away until their personality is over come, or they snap and disasters happen.
If both of these things happened with the same counselor find a new one. Don't continue to confront your foster mother. She fights dirtier than you do.
FA
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (4 December 2013): Original Poster:@FASoooOOooOOo, I did bring up the comments she made to my wife on the phone with my foster mom. See, I am 29 years old and my foster bro is 17. Insinuating there is anything sexual in nature between him and I is not just SICK, it is also illegal.This was the phone convo:[hellos]....Me: I wanted to talk to you about some comments you made to my wife and...[foster mom interjects]Foster Mom: *INTENSE SCREAMING IN THE PHONE* I NEVER MADE ANY COMMENTS TO HER! I WOULD NEVER SAY THAT! I WOULD NEVER SAY THAT! I DONT WANT THAT WOMAN IN MY HOUSE! I DONT KNOW WHAT SHE IS TALKING ABOUT! *phone hangs up*My wife and I looked at each other like oooOOoooKkkk. That THING, my foster mom, she is a shell. A sociopathic-narcissistic shell and I wish I was just being melodramatic about the event. It makes me appreciate those who are emotionally available in the world.My foster bro can reach me on skype. He is 17 and will soon be able to make adult choices. I have to protect my wife, future baby (my wife is pregnant), and me from this THING. I have already told my foster bro he has options. He knows my contact info if he ever needs anything or somewhere to stay if he chooses to move out when he turns 18.As for the other comments, yeah, I will leave it be, but the one where she implied my 17 year old bro and me were doing things is slander which is legally punishable in my state. Those types of accusations and rumors are not to be taken lightly in any regards.I hope my foster bro finds his inner strength because I think it will be enabling him not to stick up for himself if I step in and do that. I talked with a family counselor yesterday, and she said that he will have only learned that he can use others to fight his battles for him. He has the resources and knows where to go if that time comes.I just wanted to share the decision I have made over this situation since you have been kind enough to share your opinions on the matter.There is only one more piece of info I did not share because I thought maybe I was being paranoid, but I suspect she recently poisoned her 8 year old dog so that she could get a new puppy. The dog was fine the last I saw her, and then I get a call saying that the dog was found in the closest curled up in the corner with foam in the mouth a week later. The vet says she might have eaten something poisonous. There really is no way I can prove that one, because the dog was incinerated asap at the vets. Foster mom can just say the dog may have accidentally gotten into a pill bottle of hers, or make up some other story. Creepy yet, Foster mom went out and purchased a puppy 3 days later, and has not said a darn thing about the dog passing away. I am sooooo suspicious. She had even joked about how my foster bro kept asking if the could get a puppy when the dog dies. He never said anything like that to her. I think that is her dark side showing.Well thank you again for your time, FA. It is much appreciated.
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A
male
reader, Fatherly Advice +, writes (3 December 2013):
Thanks again, that really ties down the loose ends.
I applaud what you are doing with the brother. Somehow I didn't catch that he was adopted. that certainly complicates the issue. I too have seen some pretty ugly situations with abused children.
So your main concern is dealing with mom. I feel obligated to advise you but, I'm not yet sure where to go. One idea I'm having is that many people act out to get attention. Your Brother is hanging out in his room a lot so she may be feeling alone. the attacking, and inappropriate comments may just be her way of saying "hey! look at me!" I know that this is not new behavior but it may be recently escalated. Another thing that sticks in the back of my mind is that she may be having trouble figuring out how to relate to you and your wife. This is new territory for her. Parents of couples in more traditional relationships have some trouble with that as well. My wife was an oldest daughter so her parents had some time getting used to me. My parents had trouble with my oldest sisters husband.
What you really want to know is how to deal with it not why it is happening. Here is what I did. I just let it all roll off me like water off a ducks back. In essence saying, "thanks for your opinion, but I've already decided to do this . . ." This will be difficult for your mother to accept at first but soon she will accept that you are an adult and all the carping is just wasting her breath. Or at least that's how it worked for me.
FA
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (2 December 2013): Origingal Poster Commenting:@Fatherly Advice:To put it bluntly, that issue that came up when he was 9 was very disturbing to me. Having lived through an emotionally abusive and physically abusive home as a child to then move to many foster homes, I have a great sensitivity towards children being emotionally or physically harmed. I think that is why it has stuck out in my memory and sounds "fresh"--I have come across many children who are psychologically damaged due to different types of abuse, thus, I know how disturbing her comments and reactions were about his body changing. I value people in general, but place children in a cateogory of requiring a higher degree of protection and requiring more input regarding guidance towards a healthy succsefful path in life and avoiding sociopathic/psychopathic individuals. My little foster bro and I are not related. I moved into that home when I was in 10th grade and I am now 29, he was if I remember correctly about 4 years old. I was so tired of moving around that I finally chose to endure my foster mom's craziness. I figured she got her monthly check and I got to really put my all into one school and one community. My foster brother was in preschool at the time I first moved in, and him and I ended up hanging out like an older brother would hang out with a little brother. I taught him how to catch/throw, kick around a soccer ball, bought him his first skateboard/guitar, played video games together, engaged with about what those life topics of integrity, social values, and responsiblity. There was no other male in the home, so eventhough I am a female, he relates to me in a very similar way brothers with a moderate age-gap would typically communicate in a single mother household.Having said that, emancipation is very unlikely. That would take him to find that inner motivation to make such a courageous move. Emancipation from the foster system is one thing, but he was adopted so he is legally her son. I was a foster child, so I was automatically emancipated once I graduated high school and was of the age of 18. Additionally, I think he has a bit of stockholm syndrome and depression going on because he doesnt want to learn to drive, doesn't leave the house often (stays in his room), and has little inclination to do much. The best thing I can think of right now is just keep in touch with him on skype and continue to tutor him while engaging with him about how to be successful and build ones selfesteem. His mood and grades have seem to improve since I started spending more time with him online explaining homework concepts and talking about life.I am really concerned with how to manage that woman, because I suspect she harbors some weird resentment towards me that him and I get along better than he gets along with her. I also suspect she has a lack of genuine feeling that a typical person has, and has projected her lack of a male presence in her life onto my little foster bro. Consequently, her twisted perverse mind will construe any form of bonding as sexualized. Again...EWWWW.My wife and I live three counties away, which is a 2.75 hour drive from their location. I can't just cruise by and pick him to hang out like we use to when I lived closer. I take his wellbeing very seriously and want the best for him, so I am trying to stay connected atleast via skype.I hope that kind of answers your question. I know it is difficult to talk about this kind of topic in detail because it is a precarious situation, one which has a lot of dynamics in motion. Sorry if I gave to much info.
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A
male
reader, Fatherly Advice +, writes (2 December 2013):
Thanks for the followup, You are right, brother to brother sibling rivalry where they are always trying to be the best. Father son where the son feels unappreciated or undervalued, Yes I have seen all those. I see from what you are saying that the trouble between you and your mother is not the typical two women can't live in the same house because they won't both put the silverware away the same way. The problem is more of an abrasive personality that is set on auto attack. Her constant sex based comments are not healthy for kids. Am I right that the brother is 16 or older now? The reason I ask is that the 9 year old comment seems too fresh.
FA
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (2 December 2013): Original Question Poster Commenting:@Fatherly Advice: Yes, I am trying to keep my foster brother in mind first. Thank you for your advice. I can see what you are saying about women not getting along, however, my foster mom does not get along with men or women, and she speaks negatively about my little bro to basically anyone who will listen. Also, I would like to point out there are many examples of fathers and sons not getting along or brothers with a deep hatred towards one anoher. I wouldn't chalk up every altercation and dispute between women as solely based on "women don't get along". People are more complex than those simple generalizations.@A Female Reader: Yeah, seriously. The woman has a personality disorder of some sort. She has no friends because she has managed to drive them off with histrionics and cold calculating behavior. I mean no friends, whatsoever. I wish I were exaggerating about what she is like. Had you ever met her and spent a day or two around her, you would feel it in the room like this weight of anxiety. She yells at people and cuts them off when she doesnt get her way. My high school friends refused to study at my house because she made them feel so uncomfortable. I will consider contacting the social worker as soon as I figure out the best way to go about doing that since I have little tangible evidence other than my interpretations of her behavior in a given context. She has not been dumb enough to do anything that would be an automatic legal red-flag...but the day she does, she will regret that mistake because the authorities will know pronto.As for now, I am continuing with the tutoring via skype. I feel really bad for my little foster bro because I can sometimes hear her screaming in the background. She does not talk to him like a person.Thank you all for taking the time to reply. I appreciate your thoughts and reaching out to those who are looking for support.:)
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (2 December 2013): Wow your foster mom is seriously creepy and sick. I think you should try again with social services. Maybe a different case worker will be more sympathetic. I also advise you keep a journey of all these incidents. If possible, secretly record what she says (many cell phones have a voice recorder function) so you have evidence. So it is not just empty accusations as far as social services is concerned.Yes 9 years old is too old to still be given baths. It seriously is messed up and pyschologically damaging to the child because it violates the child's privacy and right to physically autonomy. It violates the child's boundaries.
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A
male
reader, Fatherly Advice +, writes (1 December 2013):
You have done the right things so far and your priorities seem to be correct. Your first duty is to protect the minor. In 11th grade he is probably old enough to be emancipated. If he filed a complaint he would probably be able to get that. If you are a blood relative you might be able to get custody.
Report anything that you might have evidence of that is abuse or improper.
As fat as you and your Foster mother not getting along, that is pretty common for adult women. not something to be overtly worded about.
FA
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