A
male
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:Hi guys. Just wondered your take on this. I'm in an affair as the other man. We are very much in love an it would be amazing for both of us if she were available (bottom line is she aint!!!). Now they aint married an no kids an she thinks she can just put her head in the sand and carry on. I can't cos she aint makin a decision. So I have just gone and given her and myself one of the most mind blowing snatched weekends (last weekend) ever after falling out and not speaking for a few weeks which happened on the spur of the moment when i got back in touch an we got on like best friends/lovers. I shouldn't have done it cos nothing's changed and it's just renforced what we both know in that there is something else there we dont know what or what to do about it but we can't control it. But maybe it has changed as she is now pursuing me more than me her an I have had to withdraw contact to make her think. She knows what I want and now pulling the carpet out from under her feet may make her make a decision as she won't have us both. Now it's killing me ignoring her but I think I have to. She goes away tomorrow with her fella and mutual friends and she has been ringing up a lot the last couple of days and I've only returned one and she was very pleased to her from me. Do you think she will know I'm digging my heels in? I do but have to be a man about this. I hope with the amazing memories of last weekend me becoming more distant/unavailable will force her to come to a decision. I feel really bad on her boyfriend and wouldn't have got involved if I didn't want to really make a go of it with her. I know they are rowing a lot and I think she is gonna resent him for me pulling away and being with him 24/7 and not having me as an outlet will force her to think long and hard. I just don't know what to do when she's back and she gets in touch. Any ideas???
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male
reader, somewhat_anonymous  +, writes (10 September 2007):
Thinking you can see a future in this is no excuse for what you're doing. If she's really in love with you, she'd have left him by now...or is she in love with him too? Well, now it just gets complicated.
She's got to come to a decision. It is either you or him, but just because you think you two are deeply in love, you have to realize, there must be some reason she's still with the other guy.
Something else to think about, most people don't usually plan on having an affair and you know she's chating on her current boyfriend since you are the one she's cheating with. So if you do start seeing each other exclusively, what will stop her from cheating on you?
A
reader, anonymous, writes (9 September 2007): It sounds like you treat her really well, and she is probably bored with her boyfriend and enjoying the attention you give to her. I imagine she has been with him for a long time so it's understandable she is unwilling to leave him unless she is 100% sure of your relationship. Of course, we all know that if she was truly happy with him, she wouldn't be seeing you too. I take it she hasn't told you that she will leave him in the future? So you have been offered nothing but snatched weekends and secretive phone calls. Which is a shame because you should be with someone who treats you with respect and honesty. You say you didn't speak for a few weeks following an argument, until you got in touch with her again. Then would have been a good time to end things, especially if she never contacted you before you contacted her - if this is the case, perhaps she was trying to concentrate on her relationship and making it work. However, we can't help who we fall in love with can we? Playing hard to get might make her want to speak to you, but it certainly won't encourage her to make a decision about her boyfriend (if anything, she will think you are unreliable and not interested in her), so I wouldn't go down that path. Men usually like it when women play hard to get sometimes, but generally women do not like it, and if you keep this up she might tell you to get lost. So I think the best thing to do if you don't want to lose her entirely is to keep contact and, you never know, she might break up with him while they are away. I really do think though that she needs to make a decision and stop stringing you (and her poor boyfriend) along - is this really the sort of woman you want to be with? Best of luck XX
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