A
female
age
30-35,
anonymous
writes:Hi all, I’m going to keep this short and sweet and any help and advice is greatly appreciated.I was in a long distance relationship that ended in 2011 because my partner got depressed due to me always leaving to go back home. I’m Scottish and he’s Canadian and in 2011 we were 21. Anyways I tried for months to get him back to no avail and went into a downwards spiral myself and finally met someone else who became a new partner to me and took my mind off my ex. Well to cut a long story short my ex tried to get me back just after a year had passed and by then I had moved on (he didn’t know I had moved on) and he still tried for several years and truth is I did still love him but I had a new partner.Question is how do I move on?I’ve ruined my relationship because I can’t actually move on. I’ve cut all ties with my ex for 3+ years now and I still think about him all the time. I hope he’s ok and he’s moved on and found an amazing girl who makes him happy and he deserves the world as he’s such a wonderful guy and anyone would be lucky to have him and I can’t get over him!! It’s been 7 and a half years since he broke up with me and I still love him and can’t get over him. Help me!!! Please don’t be brutal with me. I know I’m pathetic I just need help on what to do to over come this otherwise I’m always going to be alone and see him as the one that got away. And yes I probably should have taken him back when he tried all those years ago but I didn’t think I would end up like this.
View related questions:
broke up, depressed, long distance, move on, my ex Reply to this Question
Share |
Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
female
reader, mystiquek  +, writes (10 November 2018):
 You aren't pathetic. Its just that you aren't really happy where you are right now in life so you play the "what if" game. I think most of us have done it from time to time, maybe even got on facebook and looked up an old ex to see where they are in life, if they have a partner, family ect. I know I did this a few times when I was down in life and I felt sad/lonely. It honestly is a pretty normal reaction but not really a smart one. We tend to remember the good things about an ex and the bad stuff we sort of blank out..the ex always seems better than what they probably were in reality.
I even got kind of sad when I realized my ex was happy, had a family, kids and it really bothered me for a little while but then I started remembering some of the things he said and did and I realized I didn't want him back. I just wanted to be happy too!
Don't make the past better than it truly was. If you aren't happy in your relationship that you are in, its ok to move on but don't try to compare a new guy with the old guy ok? Be kind to yourself. These feelings will pass just keep the ex where he belongs...a pleasant memory (if you chose for it to be) IN THE PAST.
You'll be ok.
A
reader, anonymous, writes (10 November 2018): True-love never goes away; but if you have to give someone up, you learn to live with the loss. I loved someone for 28 years who died of cancer. I'll never get him back, but I have to live-on. That was years ago, and he's still in my heart. I love someone else now. Deeply, truly, and without a shadow of a doubt. I owe him all of me! My heart has a lot of room, but no one owns it but me! To survive, you've got to learn to be this way!
You're fixated partially out of guilt; feeling you owe him your loyalty long after the fact. You might be obsessing a little over the past; and what you're hanging onto is more of an "idea" of a romance, rather than reality. It doesn't exist anymore, so what are you clinging to?
He may have resuscitated some residual-feelings in you; leftover from your dead-relationship, by trying to contact you. He did that to test whether he still had an emotional-hold over you. It's a head-game for the most part.
Sometimes people will do that, with no intention of really taking you back. It's a passive-aggressive attempt to remind you of what you did to them, and to stir guilt within you. Ever so often, they come out of nowhere to refresh your guilt. That's why it has gone on for years. Plus you're somewhat melodramatic; and you hold-on to things. You feel you don't deserve happiness; or it would be betrayal to his memory. Always ruminating about him, and seeing him abandoned somewhere out there in the cosmos. He's fine!
He isn't the one who got away. He is the one that was not meant to be. You rely too much on your fantasy, and maybe you've lost hold of the reality of the situation. You've grown addicted to a memory; and that means you may need to see a therapist to help you to completely detach, and push on. His memory has captured you like the captain's widow, waiting in the tower for him to return from the sea. You are much too young; and life is way too short, to be wasting your precious youth this way. Get some professional help, sweetheart! Until then, use your whatever strength you have within you to move on. It will ultimately comedown to you convincing yourself to let-go and move on. Pursue happiness!
I truly wish you well!
...............................
A
male
reader, N91 +, writes (10 November 2018):
 Everyone goes though a pain at this point in their life where they feel like they’ve missed out on ‘the one’. If that was the case and you were meant to be, you would be. Nothing would have stopped the situation, there would have been an ending in sight, one of you could of moved to the other and you could live together in a happy relationship. For whatever reason whether it be work or money, you had to go your separate ways.
Time helps everything subside to some extent, you’ve been going through this pain now for 7 years, even whilst with another partner. That to me tells me that this new fella isn’t right for you either. If you still think about other people then he’s not for you. You shouldn’t have conflicting thoughts in your head about who you love more and why you can’t get over an ex whilst in a relationship. If you truly loved this new guy then you wouldn’t see anyone else, yes you might have a brief thought about an ex at some point but then you remember who you’re with and understand why it didn’t work out with the other guy. I’m not sure if I’ve read your post correctly but are you still with this new guy? Or broken up? If so I would suggest breaking up as I don’t think you’re fully into it whilst in this mindset and it’s not fair to him.
I think you need some alone time to work on yourself, maybe seek counselling to talk about this with someone face to face and get everything out in the open. It helps, I’ve had a few sessions myself and it is good to speak to someone who doesn’t know you and can give good critical feedback.
You really shouldn’t have taken him back years ago, what would of been different? You still live thousands of miles apart, nothing had changed and you’d still be living on a whim. You will get there one day.
...............................
A
female
reader, Youcannotbeserious +, writes (10 November 2018):
 Was he your first "proper" boyfriend? I am assuming, given your age, that he was. We NEVER forget our first love. However, that does not mean they were right for us or that the timing was right. It does not mean things could still work out with them.
I am way way older than you and I still remember my first love with great fondness. However, I am also realistic enough to know things would never have worked out long term with us.
You are not pathetic. You are just human. I think what is actually happening here is that, every time you are between relationships, you wonder "what if". Going back to someone just because you have hit a sad spot in your life is not really a good reason. I am sure you can understand and appreciate that.
Unless one of you is willing and able to move half way across the world, your relationship has as little viability now as it did 7 years ago. What would be the point of opening old wounds only to go through all the same hurt again?
Think of your first love with fondness, maybe even with a tinge of sadness and longing, but also keep in mind you could not make a relationship work. That's life.
When you find the right one, you will understand why your relationship didn't work out. Be kind to yourself. You are NOT pathetic. You are just going through a rough patch. This too will pass.
...............................
|
