A
female
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:How is it possible to experience sexual tension if you've never had sex?I don't think that everyone would believe me if I were to tell them but I'm 32 and have never had sex with a man. I'm starting to feel so overcome with sexual tension that it's killing me. I feel guilty when I think of worse problems, but I can't make these feelings go away.Being a strict Southern Baptist, my religious values had a lot to do with my decision to save sex. In many ways I have failed miserably as a Christian and I'm probably going to hell, but one reason I decided to put off sex was because I wanted to please God. I decided, as a teen, that I was going to save sex for someone special rather than have sex with ''just anyone.'' I was a strict Southern Baptist, not really sure how to catalogue myself now (or even if a label is necessary). I know that some people will criticize my religious values, but I feel that my religion asks people to hold on sex for a very valid reason. Even though I feel frustrated by sexual tensions, I missed out on becoming pregnant with a kid that I didn't want and couldn't provide for, or being used for sex and having my heart broken to pieces. I was never one of those people with the mentality of ''I'm going to rush into marriage at 19 so that I can have sex and not feel guilty about it.'' But I believed, and still do, that it would be ideal to save sex for marriage. I THOUGHT that I would find my special person and be married sometime in my mid to late twenties. I wanted to see the world and study abroad and play in bands before settling down and knew I could be strong and wait a few years. I had a couple of close calls and I nearly had sex with two different guys... one of whom turned out to be married (he lied to me about being divorced and I was really sad when I figured it out because I thought he was a nice Christian guy... I met him at church, actually) and the other was my cheating ex-boyfriend who abandoned me for another girl when I was teaching in Spain. Well, my special person NEVER came! I'm 32 years old, and beginning to realize I probably will never get married, and I feel torn. I know the world will laugh at me for being a 32 year old virgin but I have saved it all these decades for someone special, and it is so disheartening to think of wasting it. Furthermore I don't want to get left behind when the rapture comes. But, I can't STAND the sexual tension anymore. It's breaking me and I can't bear it anyhmore. I've been strong for all these years and I can't stand it anymore. I have had one unrequited love after another and I just don't think my person is OUT THERE. I am so afraid that I am going to be a virgin when I'm old and dying... I'm not some horny teenager with no willpower. I've been strong for decades and someday, not far from now, I will be a sad middle aged woman who used to have dreams. I have never had a relationship in my life and I'm 32 years old and it doesn't look like I'm ever gonna get married! I am so overcome with sexual tension that it's killing me. My mom keeps saying to be strong, but I am about to break from being strong. I keep thinking of how uncertain life is. What if I have some accident or suffer some illness that renders me unable to have sex? I am not necessarily referring to crippled, but something that disfigures me so severely that no one could ever want to have sex with me? I could even be dead tomorrow as the result of a car accident, random gunshot or heart attack. And then it would be too late for me to ever experience physical love. Eventually I'll be too old for anyone to want to sleep with me. I have a dilemna... I am sick and tired of being a virgin. I waited for my Blue Prince, and he didn't come and my life is passing me by. The need to experience physical love is more than I can bear. But, it makes my heart sink to think of giving away something special to some guy who isn't going to care about me. Seriously, I want to be rid of my virginity NOW. I don't want to be a virgin on Monday morning. But, I wanted so badly for it to be with a special person who cared about me. I am either going to explode from sexual tension or throw away what I was saving on some guy who won't care about me and abandon me. I want it to be with a special person but I'm not married and don't have a boyfriend or anything, and I can't wait any longer.I feel overcome with guilt for failing my values and afraid of going to hell, as well. Maybe I was never really saved because my prayers for a husband went unanswered... am I going to hell? Am I ''sinning'' if I just can't stand the sexual tension any more and give in to it?How can I have sex without throwing away this gift on someone who doesn't care? Seriously, I know I am being ahorrible role model, but I just want to be rid of it. I know my attitude is bad and that I'm wrong, but I want to be rid of it.
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (9 November 2011): I am an almost 31 year old virgin. I am Christian, but not Baptist. I completely understand how you feel. I think if you go through with losing your virginity, you will really regret it. You've held on so long; don't give up now! Won't you feel even more awful if you have sex, then 6 months later meet the man of your dreams, and regret for the rest of your life that you didn't give it to him? God tells us that those that know to do good and do not do it, to them it is a sin; and it also talks about to whom much is given, much is expected. I'm not saying you're going to hell if you lose your virginity before marriage, because I don't believe that. Everyone makes mistakes and can repent, and we're not dealing with an unforgivable sin here. But deep inside you know it would be wrong, and you really need to think this through, and try to hold strong to your beliefs and morals. Maybe you should try a vibrator. I know it's not the greatest solution, but maybe you would feel less guilty about that and it would give you some relief from what is a completely natural urge. I wish you the best.
A
female
reader, bardia +, writes (5 November 2011):
 For what it's worth, I was in the EXACT SAME PLACE as you until last year. Not even kidding you that my boyfriend pretty much came out of nowhere. I wasn't looking anymore and suddenly there he was. I struggled w/the same guilt, but I've had that 'tension' since I was 7 years old. At 35, I finally had my first kiss & not long after that we took care of the 'tension' issue. Personally, I'd fought the struggle in my head for so long, that to take the next physical step wasn't difficult. I don't advise doing this unless you are really prepared. I was. But in many ways, I am still navigating the ramifications of it (physical, psychological, emotional, spiritual). Just hang in there. He knows this desire that He created you with (more intense in some of us than others, it seems). No matter what happens or what you do, think first. There is a spiritual connection when you give yourself over to someone in this way. And women especially become so very attached. I hope that this helps, at least to let you know you're not alone.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (5 November 2011): Read the book Brida" by paulo coelho,if you are the reading type,otherwise i have a line for you from it- “It’s necessary to take risks, and to follow certain paths whilst abandoning others. No one is able to choose without fear.”This book is not just about relationships...unless you take the risk of getting into relationships and discover love ..you will never find it,as such it is so hard to find true love...i respect your religious teachings,even mine preaches the same ,abstain until marriage ,never do adultary and never leave your married partner..as humans we need to reason and look at the reasons behind these "rules" its not that you have sex out of /before marriage and you go straight to hell...the point is to make you keep in touch with your emotions...so that you are a good person,with unfazed love for your partner..why do you say you've never been in relationships?!thats insane ,you clearly need a lover a companion and yes ofcourse your bio-clock is loudly ticking in your womb asking you to give unconditional love to a baby!YOU ARE NOT CRAVING SEX!!there is a huge difference between physical satisfaction and emotional intimacy..i think you are craving more of the latter...and its driving you nuts.ofcourse why not?!GOD MADE US HUMANS TO HAVE SEXUAL TENSION SO THAT WE WOULD EVENTUALLY COMBINE IT WITH OUR FEELINGS,GO OUT THERE date/fall in love/have an arranged marriage AND REPRODUCE...to feel and give lots n lots of love...once again i tell you RESPECT your religious sentiments but try and not be a talkin parrot..parrots would just reproduce our words without knowing the real meaning...WHY NOT be in a relationship and make it clear that you are there for a stable one and you dont want to give yourself until there is REAL ,marriage sort of commitment...for HEAVENS sake LIVE WELL god loves each one of us..whichever religion we all belong to GOD is above EVERYTHING..lol he aint gonna punish you because you took the risk of commitment in a relationship,ended up making LOVE and then things didnt workout so you you broke off and had another man..HELL is for those who have hurt others ,broken peoples heart ,or used people wrongly for sex or whatever...now you sound like a harmless housefly..if people like you would go to hell then even heaven should be renovated and converted to hell...i feel horrible and sad ...sick for you!!!i am way too younger to you and by the time im 32 i'd be married and have 2 kids!SEX is not sinful it is DEVINE ...the very ROOT of all things beautiful in the world right from Flowers and butterflies to whales ,dolphins birds ,elephants,trees ,oh comeon every damn thing!WHY ?!YOU WOULDNT BE BORN OTHERWISE!...right or wrong is decided by YOU ..when it comes to sex ,as long as you aren't breaking anyone's heart!if you feel its right to save for the ONE then thats great!all of us women want to...well most of us..no matter we belong to south baptist,or south africa,north america ,australia,Japan china india...then why dont you atleast start DATING and FIND that SPECIAL someone?? :O i am baffled !!some girls/guys think its right to have casual sex just for physical pleasure ..not physical love,now thats FINE too!as long as they are making it clear to their partners that they are casual...in that way they arent hurting anyone...however for me personally,thats disgusting..SOO its all upto you..you KNOW it very well.....either you smell the soup before having ,next,taste and savour OR just let the soup go cold and stay hungry until death! if you didnt LIKE the smell then you could try sniffing another one..but if your not ready to even LOOK at any..or reach out...nothing will help!YOU ARE FREAKIN 32 AND WAT do you think?a prince riding on a horse will arrive at your door step ,take you to southern baptist church and marry you ,and the next day u will immaculately conceive a baby?look sorry for mocking at you..but i have no other option cos IM EVEN SORRIER for your pathetic condition and foolishness! of course those who marry high school soccer players at 19 with a baby in hand are foolish ,so are those who have lost touch with their emotions and go whoring around,and so are YOU!!and you are the most foolish amongst them..trust me because atleast they have experienced love and happiness of being loved and cared for at SOME POINT of time in life..but you havent!now its your callALL THE BEST... 3 if i were a man and single,i might have hired a horse right away and come to your door step to rescue you..and given you a wonderful life lady.i am serious cos i cant bear to see this!
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (5 November 2011): HiWow! you sound quite crushed...what a shame it was unessesary to feel this way. You have the thoughts of going to hell and been punished BECAUSE OF SEX this is not Mr G'S will this is yours! and it comes from all the bullshit that lives inside places of 'so called' love. You my dear are made of flesh and blood and therefore are human...we have NATURAL instincts and desires and you have REPRESSED your NATURAL your NATURE your human exsistence.We humans should be far more concerned with how we are as people inside...do we respect others and treat them kindly..do we follow truth....it's all back to front..we are spirit in a physical body nor a physical body inside spirit??? when in rome! sex is natural it's not a sin....people sin and unfortunately we know what alot of them hide behind..thats why the world is so screwed...and inside out.Live your life to it's fullest without guilt that is misplaced....tell me your a liar and i'll agree that you sin..tell me you say someone else is below you because they have sex unmarried and i will tell you that you sin.Are you going to hell? what you are guilty of is CREATING your own hell. Free your mind and love others by letting them into your life ...all this stuff is too internal and self absorbing. I am sure you are a wonderful personspunky monkey
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (5 November 2011): I am going to tell you right now that you are WAY, WAY overthinking this.This is why religion should be kept as far from sexual matters as humanely possible. It leads to needless guilt as you have so far seen.Look, stop worrying. Date, flirt, be human. It is in your very DNA to do these things and the more you fight it, the harder it will become to resist.The key to it all... be happy. Whatever it takes, be happy. If you are miserable because of lack of sex. Then find someone you care about and make love to them, come what may...Whatever happens, be safe.
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