A
female
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes:I am trying to figure out love and what it means and why life gives me certain people when I ask for love. I don't get it. I feel I'm ready for true love but nothing is happening. I admire my coworker who I look forward to seeing everyday, who puts a smile on my face, who I'm so attracted to, who listens to me and stares at me, and who is definitely attracted to me, who works well with me and who I respect so much b/c of his thoughts and ideas and just intellectually, we are so similar. But he's married with 2 kids.I don't think a guy like him is right for me b/c I don't think I can trust him b/c he's married and looks at me differently and flirts with so many women at work. But he's so charming and knows he can get away with it.But he has certain qualities that I look for. The listening, the mental and physical connection, etc.However, there's a guy who really likes me who I can trust and is loyal but I don't feel the way I feel for my coworker. I am not excited to see him, his presence isn't exciting to me, he isn't mentally on the same page, but he's a good listener and a good guy. I don't know what is love or where love is. I don't know what I'm doing wrong. I'm just having these expereincse and not understanding them at all. On one hand I meet someone I connect with but don't trust and is married, and on the other hand i met someone available, loving, caring, and loyal but I don't feel that mental connection which doesn't help with the physical connection although hes not bad looking and I do get turned on but still not feeling the mental connection, it's been a month. I don't like to compare him to my coworker but I cannot help it. Am I doing this wrong?
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female
reader, aunt honesty  +, writes (6 April 2017):
 Well what you are doing wrong is allowing yourself to see a married man as an option. Have some self respect and don't even go their. Also for the other man he is not right for you if you are questioning him. There is more than these two men in the world. Go and try online dating, or go out and about more, speak to more people, make more friends. Put yourself out their and stop lusting after a married man. Who wants to be a home wrecker? Who wants to be the one who took daddy away from his kids?
A
female
reader, Youcannotbeserious  +, writes (2 April 2017):
 You are taking two men out of millions and thinking that is the only choice you have. Of course it is NOT.
As you have already worked out, NEITHER of these two is for you. If you feel no spark with the available man, there is little point in taking things further - although you may wake up one day and realise a spark has been burning very quietly. The married man is DEFINITELY not for you - he is just a flirt, which is fine if he leaves it at that and everyone he flirts with understands he does not mean anything by it. We cannot have everything we find attractive. Sometimes it belongs to someone else - like his wife and kids. You cannot build your happiness on someone else's unhappiness.
Firstly, you need to stop fantasizing about the married colleague while, at the same time, looking for the qualities you recognise you find attractive in someone who is available.
Secondly, you need to widen your social group and meet other men. One of them will be right for you.
If you really don't see a future with the available colleague, don't lead him on to keep him as a back up plan. That is not fair.
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A
female
reader, Honeypie +, writes (2 April 2017):
 1. NEVER settle for a married guy. It's that simple.
2. NEVER settle for a guy JUST because HE likes you. If he doesn't make you excited to see him, gives you butterflies and you enjoy his company, SKIP him.
3. DON'T mix work with dating. You are there to work, not to flirt and have affairs or meet men. It's a GOOD rule of thumb to have. Just like - don't date married men.
If you KNOW the qualities you LIKE in the married guy, then GET out there and MEET single available guys with THOSE qualities - let's face it's not like this married guy is the ONLY guy who possesses those qualities, but it's EASIER to pine after an unavailable guy whom you work with and don't have to put effort into meeting.
EXPEND your social circle a bit. Which means the POND from which you can "fish" in will expand too.
You are in your 30's so you know a man isn't going to fall from the sky JUST made for you. And you probably also know that some flirty MARRIED co-worker is NOT a good choice or good idea to pursue.
I don't think you are doing anything "wrong" per se except perhaps that you don't really use common sense here nor do you have a "standard" that you stick by.
The married man would/will be a waste of your time but he might keep you entertained a little while till YOU want more than just be a "mistress". The other guy? Well, if you aren't into him LET him go.
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