A
female
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes:Hello I'd like every one's opinion on this :My boyfriend is very big on tips. He worked as a waiter at a small restaurant for a few years and currently an Uber driver. Every day he would tell me how this rider or that rider promised to tip him but never did. Then he would boast about how amazing a rider is if they tip him a dollar or two.He himself also loves to tip cashiers at grocery stores, or cashier at donut shops, just people who don't usually take a tip. He loves passing out a dollar as a tip and he thinks it's a big deal when he tips them that dollar bill.I personally am not a big fan of tips. I only tip when I eat at restaurants and it's the standard 15%. I've never worked in a position where people tipped me. All my jobs have been at High Tech companies where I get annual bonuses that are much more than the few dollar tip.I feel a disconnect with my boyfriend and see it as very petty when he acts so obsessed with whether he gets the dollar tips. What can I do to improve this situation? Reply to this Question
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (23 December 2017): They might be 'petty tips' to you but for others they may be the difference between eating after the bills are paid and not.
A
female
reader, Anonymous 123  +, writes (23 December 2017):
 Hi OP
In my first answer I didn't suggest that you leave him but looking at your follow-up, now I'll say you should! Immediately and before he continues to fleece you further.
More than money I now see that it's a problem of attitude and this is not something that will ever change. Stop buying expensive gifts for him, he doesn't deserve them and he's just getting used to being pampered and is downright exploiting you financially. You might not realise it now but you will soon see how much you have been spending on him just because he's played the "poor me" card in front of you and in the process, you will have denied yourself a lot of things that you could've bought for yourself with that money. He doesn't care two hoots about you, he's in because you are the goose that lays the golden eggs.
If you still persist with him then his cheapness will continue to disgust you. Isn't it already?
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (22 December 2017): Two things stood out that really rubbed me the wrong way; and I can't lackadaisically suggest you leave someone you surely care for. You can't set a monetary-value on how you feel about people; but you do consider how you are valued by people.
You're not married. Your money is NOT his. He didn't earn it and has no claims to it whatsoever. Not in theory, or by any means. Laying unsubstantiated claims to your money diminishes the relationship down to dollars and cents.
Giving menial-gratuities to servers and people in service jobs; makes him reflect on the hard-times. When he really needed those tips. His Uber job relies on gratuities. Therefore; his livelihood depends solely on the kindness and generosity of strangers. No matter how hard he works, people don't necessarily care. They assume others will make up for it, or they're just stingy. He takes it to heart. So he soothes his cynicism by giving when he wished others would. I think it is hitting him too deeply. He has a warped sense of fiances; and considers you as the rest of his income.
He had no right to take the discount; in-fact, he should have declined even if you offered for him to keep it. He didn't give you the option to refuse. That's big balls and disrespectful. Then he took credit for a gift he didn't even purchase; which means he sees your relationship as a means of financial-compensation for his own shortcomings. You refuse to address this for what it is; but you're complaining to a group of strangers, and not going to the source. That source being your screwed-up partner, who is taking advantage of you.
As usual, people choose a particular behavior or action that cites an example of a much larger issue. I'm afraid your earnings mean more to your boyfriend than you do. Your paycheck is what he considers payback for what cards life has dealt him. You're blocking the truth, and you are blind with love. You also pity him, and want to make it up to him for what he virtually has done to himself; for the lack of ambition and pursuit of better employment. I doubt he has a degree, or he wouldn't settle for pennies on jobs requiring minimal-skills. You definitely should take that into account. It's not just how much you earn, it's how hard you work to do your best. How you prepare for your future.
My boyfriend is rich. I'm not. I made him well-aware from the start; I am proud. I work hard. I need nothing from him, but his heart and his trust. I value that above anything he can buy me. Apparently he believes me; but he's generous to a fault, and he does whatever the hell he pleases. In a good way, I should add. I can't afford what he does; but he knows "that look" and he respects it. It's easy to see the money and feel you're entitled to it. I'm not. I didn't earn any of it. I have a good job and a good salary. Nobody has to pay my way! I have no right to gold-dig on my boyfriend!
You say he's petty about tips. No sweetheart, he has set his ambitions low and he's taking advantage of your feelings for him. You know this, but it's hard to accept.
No, dollar-value cannot be placed on relationships. The behavior we display and what we emotionally invest in a relationship will determine its value. His heart is in the wrong place.
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A
female
reader, Ciar  +, writes (22 December 2017):
 You may get on well most of the time and have many things in common, but this issue is a biggie.
Your boyfriend obsesses about money and what he thinks is HIS and clearly has no problem stealing from you. The reason it seems like small potatoes now is because the stakes are low. You earn a decent wage, you're young, healthy, and I'm guessing you don't have kids. You don't need him and he benefits greatly by having you around.
How do you think he would behave if that were to change?
Imagine you were, for whatever reason, out of work, or you were helping support an ill family member, or had children and had to rely on maternity benefits which are much lower than what you're accustomed to bringing home. Is he someone you think you could rely on?
He is telling you who he is and what he's about and if I were you, I'd be listening.
You don't have to run out and break up with him, but perhaps you might want to see this union as a temporary thing. Protect your assets and whatever you do, do not become pregnant.
Start talking about YOUR money. When he calls it his, be sure to correct him. Any gifts you buy others are from YOU. Treat your money as yours, because it is and when he pockets your money, refer to it as stealing - because it is.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (22 December 2017): Thanks for your reply and opinion, Anonymous 123.
I'm the OP here.
I don't want to end the relationship just because of this specific disconnect. I don't mind his work and background and it has never been a problem over the course of the few years we've dated. I've always known him to enjoy tipping a dollar here or there when we've gone out and I've always laughed about how he feels it's a significant gesture, but it's never been an issue for us... until about six months ago when he started Ubering. I would hear him rave about how a customer was so generous in leaving him a dollar or two tip... and most times, I would hear how he felt the customer lied to him by saying they would leave a tip but never did. It seemed like his entire day revolved around how much tip he did or did not receive.
Then it started bringing back memories of how, over the course of the past few years, the importance he placed on money. How he always deemed my money to be his, but would never let me pocket even a penny without ensuring I know it's his. Recently, his two siblings purchased a new home. He waited for me to get them a house warming gift, which I did and didn't mind doing, because I love his siblings as my own. I ordered two identical kitchen items which totalled $300. When the order came into the store, he went to pick it up to find out that there was a discount and the store refunded him $100. He pocketed MY $100 and said 'Thanks for the bonus, Babe!" It wasn't a big deal to me.. but in the back of my mind, I kept thinking, what the heck.. I paid for the house warming gifts for HIS SIBLINGS, and HE pocketed the discount refund?? I would NEVER do something like that and will only be grateful if my boyfriend were to pay for my siblings house warming gifts!
For Christmas, I purchased a $1000 iphone for him .. .his gift to me was a $10 ornament. I didn't mind when I made the purchase.. but now that I'm looking at the entire picture... I'm not liking what I see.
Being with someone shouldn't be about the value of the dollar spent on each other.. but in this case, I see red flags.
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A
female
reader, Anonymous 123 +, writes (22 December 2017):
You and him are at different positions in life as far as your place and nature of work are concerned. In the kind of work that he does, he thinks that it's acceptable and more than generous to tip a dollar because that is personally what makes HIM happy when it's done to him. You cannot relate to him because you are used to a corporate setup where your bosses don't hand you a dollar and ask you to buy something pretty.
I don't think you can do anything to improve the situation because he cannot think in the same way as you, simply because his lived experiences are different. He thinks like a waiter and an uber driver because that's all he has known. You think like a corporate worker because that's what you have known.
There is no middle path here. You will feel a disconnect, not just here but in other things as well.
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