A
male
age
51-59,
*wo_outta_three
writes:I have been married for 21 years. My wife is a wonderful person. Kind. Caring. Hardworking. A great mother. She is a well paid nurse. I do well running my own business. We have two teenage children that are doing great in every measure. Everything should be great… But about 5 years ago, I concluded we have become roommates. There is no doubt in my mind she loves me and needs me (good lifestyle). But I NEVER see any sign she wants me. I find it devastating to feel unwanted.She responds positively when I reach out to her – which I used to always do. But about 5 years ago, I convinced myself that if she really wants me, she can reach out to me too. I am not talking about sex… although that is absent too. Let me give you a few examples… When I first got frustrated about this, I convinced her to have a weekly date night. But over the years, she cancels the date at least ½ the time. I’m not counting cancelations due to work schedules – I know nurses have hard schedules. I am talking about kid activities (like those don’t occur EVERY night) or her friends or something that makes me believe I am not a priority. The straw that broke the camel’s back was on our 20th wedding anniversary. My gift to her was a trip for two to anywhere in the world for any length of time she wants. All I wanted was her direction on where and when. She refused to go because she didn’t want to be away from the kids. Not even for a week-end! But a few weeks AFTER our anniversary, she went with her friends to Chicago for a week-end, without me or the kids. I was livid and I was hurt. After we discussed how much it hurt me, she agreed to go with me on a trip, but I was so mad, I told her to plan it and I will pay for it. 18 months later, there is no trip and our marriage has dissolved to cold roommates.There are many other examples… But I think you get the point. I am not perfect, but am confident I am a reasonable husband… My height/weight is good. I was an athlete in high school and am still physically fit. I am college educated. I am active in the community and well respected. Even my wife never complains about me…I suspect her actions are due to how she was raised. Her parents are great people, but they don’t sleep together, don’t take vacations together (they “like different things”) and in the 25 years I have known them, I have never seen them hold hands or kiss. They are fantastic roommates….I am so lonely…. A few months ago, I started an affair with another woman. I have known her for years, so our relationship was very comfortable for both of us and advanced quickly. It feels so good to be wanted that I have fallen for her very hard. She constantly reaches out to me… But leaving a 21 year relationship, two kids and a valuable business to start over…. It is ripping me apart.I started seeing a counselor and have been brutally honest with him. My second appointment is coming up. The process is slow. I keep hearing that Meatloaf song in my head…. “I want you, I need you, but I’m never gonna love you… Two outta three ain’t bad.” Well 2 outta 3 sure feels bad to me. Does anyone have 3 outta 3?
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (11 November 2010): Cheating isn't ethical, but the spouse being cheated on isn't necessarily always the long suffering saint who did no wrong either. Think about it. When people fall in love outside of marriage, it's because something very serious was already missing from their marriage. If their marriage was satisfying it would be safe and secure from outside intrusions.
there are always two sides to every story but here we only have yours to go by so we have to take that at face value. From the post it sounds like you were the one who took initiative in identifying problems in your marriage and trying to fix them. Your wife is the one who did not seem to be as invested in your marriage as you. I can understand why you would then feel less invested in your marriage to where you are 'open' to falling in love with someone else. You were desperately in need of, then seeking (and found) the love that your wife was not giving you.
People want to make the cheated spouse into a saint to punish you with guilt and shame. Well, giving you kids is not love. (I'm sure she wanted the kids for selfish reasons too, because she herself wanted to have kids. most people do). Raising kids with you is not necessarily love for you. It is love for the kids. Maintaining a household with you - again it is what good roommates do. She would probably also help maintain a household if she were living with other family members (like if you were to get divorced). It is not by itself true marital love. Treating you with love and respect and trying to meet your needs that nobody else is allowed to meet, now THAT is what marriage should be and what it appears she has stopped doing. your wife has basically rejected you yet without setting you free legally (by asking you for a divorce). It sounds like she herself had checked out of the marriage.
You feel trapped, as is normal. You should have asked for a divorce first before cheating, though. And now that you are in an affair, you have involved the heart of another woman and are being unfair to her too.
I think you owe it to your wife to divorce her immediately. Your reasons for not doing so are selfish reasons, because it is hard FOR YOU to give up what you have acquired in the 21-years of the marriage and to deal with the guilt of taking apart your wife's and kids' material life.
Please do your wife a favor and divorce her. Be honest with her that you are very miserable in your marriage, you tried to fix things with her but she didn't do her part and thus you want to end the marriage to be free from the pain and if possible to seek happiness elsewhere. That is hurtful for a spouse to hear, yes, but it is the truth. When people try to cover up the truth and compensate for what is missing in secret, that's when the web of lies build upon each other.
Maybe this will cause her to change for the better to meet your needs. If not, then you can go about reorganizing your lives to get out of this mess.
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (11 November 2010): Two out of three huh, you have been very very greedy in starting your affair. I love how you started complaining about your wife and how she 'doesn't reach out for you' you even had the audacity to now seek the attention of another woman who reaches out for you.Your expectation of withholding affection and you stopping the loving has been your way of punishing your wife. Why? Bottom line , you are choosing to throw away a good marriage. You are choosing your lover over your wife and kids. Have you considered that if your now lover has opened her legs to you she will/can freely do the same with another man. Mistresses rarely make 'good' wives. Leaving your wife for your lover means that you are choosing 1 out of 3. You do the maths: you are choosing sex over everything else. You claim to have a good head on your shoulders. So start thinking , and this time, not with your dick.I have asked this question to many cheaters: how can your wife fix her marriage if she doesn't know it is broken. Mr, admit your faults too and admit that you too f*cked up your marriage. It will be a bitter and troubled acknowledge but it is a start.Why have you not tried communicating with your wife. Proper communication.I am very weary when men leave their long standing marriage for the first floozy who opens her legs to them. It speaks volumes of her character but from what you have written, sloppy seconds are ok for you.Sorry it is not what you want to hear.LoveGirl
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (11 November 2010): I think you need to end your marriage, whether or not you are having an affair. It sure sounds like your wife doesn't want you as a person, she just wants the comfortable lifestyle you have been providing for her. (who knows maybe she is having an affair herself!)
Yes many couples have this kind of marriage and it works for them if this is what both of them mutually want and agree upon. But that is not the case for you. You clearly don't want this.
Perhaps you two just have very different needs. It is hard for a marriage to be sustained when spouses have very different needs because the compromise needed is so great that it ends up being difficult to sustain over time. So you end up hurt or disatisfied even when you try to compromise for each other, and not compromising obviously still hurts too.
If you are good roommates, you can be good partners for the kids/business without being married. A marriage is an intimate relationship where you meet your spouses needs and in turn they meet yours. Your needs aren't being met and yet you are not ethically allowed to get those needs met by other people which is why you are so hurt.
You could try separating first and see if that makes her miss you and appreciate and rekindle desire for you. If not, then you get a taste of what it is like to be non-married and it will seem less scary to go through divorce.
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (10 November 2010): two outa three,
I read your question because it sounded just like me. married 21 years, owne my own business, wife ignores me,she is an ok roomate though. i measure the last time I had sex in months/years, last time I enjoyed it in decades, we have taken several vacations but i get no sex then either. no kisses, no hugs, and I am at the point i do not want them from her I have fallen for another woman but have refrained from an affair or sex outside of my wife.
I too have two great teenagers and i feel guilty for thinking about a divorce because i don't want to screw them up.
Here is what I think about my own situation.
Life is short,change is good, at 45 yrs old can I give away 1/2 of all my stuff and set out in search of happiness?
so far the only answer I can hear inside is...
YES I CAN!
plan carefuly and slowly,
get a real good lawer,
don't think with your penis!
you have waited 21 years what is two or three more?
Good luck!
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (10 November 2010): I am simply telling him how a life can be destroyed, this man clearly loves his wife. I am telling how my husband behaved what road he took, and all that was lost...
I don't want to see anyone go through the pain that I went through, my husband had an affair, then he fell into the addiction of doing it again and then again...he has lost everything....I am just letting this man know that the grass isnt so green on the other side....I agree with the aunts and uncles on jump starting the marriage...that is all.. :)
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A
male
reader, Myke +, writes (10 November 2010):
Obviously, stop the affair. Next, book a trip for at least a long weekend. Don't ask her where she wants to go. Don't make her plan it. YOU have to plan it and make it happen. I've been married for 14 years and have three kids. Wives can be stolen by other things in life, especially kids and work. Sometimes you can steal some time back, though. Take a romantic trip of some type. No guided tours, no museums. Something more intimate than that. Make sure you have her full attention. Make love each night, and make it romantic. Then go home and see if anything changes. If not, then either get her into counseling with you or call a family meeting to explain that mommy and daddy are separating for "a while".
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A
female
reader, fisch777 +, writes (10 November 2010):
You need to end the affair. Honestly I know your unhappy but having an affair isn't going to save you marriage and if your looking for a way to end it then just end it.
If I were you and your wanting to try to change and fix your marriage I'd end the affair first and foremost. I'd sit down with my spouse and explain how I am feeling. Telling them that you aren't going to stay living like this. I'd explain that you want and deserve to more. And that if your going to stay married then you both HAVE to start counseling together. (especially since your already going). I'd set up the appointment myself and take it from there.
I hope you figure it all out.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (10 November 2010): Cegana - if you read the original poster's comments properly (and not just tarred him with the same brush because of how your husband behaved) you will see HAS made a LOT of effort to try and kick start his marriage with his wife. That's not to excuse the cheating - it's understandable but not right.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (10 November 2010): Hey do what my husband did, he had an affair was caught, we tried to make it work, that didnt work, so he tried having another affair actually 2 affairs but has denied everything...now he has to split everything, because our kids our older they think hes a moron...and well me, I am devastated, but moving on...I see what I wanted in the relationship all the cutsey things hes doing for the other woman...yes, we lose touch in our marriages but did you ever stop to think all the work your going to put into another woman who might reject you or could be a total psycho...ever stop to think to take the time out and wine and dine your own wife.....
my husband has dug himself into a hole more like a crater
that he will never get out....his daughter can't even stand to hear his name she is so hurt...
dont do anything you will regret...you will never get what you have back
the grass isnt so green on the other side, there is a reason why some of these women are single too....
Good luck... :D
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A
male
reader, PM  +, writes (10 November 2010):
 This is an extremely difficult situation and I really feel for you. Wanting someone and not having that desire return can make you feel like you don't exist and it's not an easy feeling to deal with.
You're right when you said that the process is slow. Counselling is a long process but so is repairing a marriage and I doubt that anything anyone could write in the span of a few paragraphs will fix it. However, I think there are a few first steps that you can take.
The first would be to talk to your wife about how bad the situation actually is. I find that there are a number of situations where one partner feels like the relationship has faded but the other one knows things are bad without knowing just how bad. Let her know how you feel about everything. Tell her the things that you've written here, that you feel alone and neglected and that it feels like her friends and being with the kids has become a priority above and beyond your relationship.
Whether or not you tell her about your affair is your call. If you do, I'd be sure to not make it sound like you're blaming the affair on her. It was still your decision to do so when there were other ways of handling things, but she did play a part by creating the conditions that made an affair seem like an option.
The last thing I would suggest is to figure out some kind of plan with your wife. If she wants to work on things after you've told her how bad things are, then the two of you need to work out some way forward. That might mean marriage counselling, it might mean changing priorities. Something that I'd be sure to talk about is the consequences for not following through.
As for leaving your business and your kids, I'm not sure that that's exactly what's going to happen. Your relationship with your wife is clearly related to your business and your kids, but I'm not sure how leaving your wife would mean leaving both those things.
Hope that helps and best of luck.
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A
male
reader, Serpico +, writes (10 November 2010):
#1 - End the affair immediately. What is occuring to you is not an excuse for adultery. If you decide to divorce, then you may do whatever you wish.
#2 - You sound like you have done the right things w date night and the 20th anniversary. What it comes down to is it seems she has put the kids (and other things) before you. That is one thing I have already spoke about w my gf before even considering marriage. I told her that I need to be first to her in every way - before her parents, brother, and yes, our kids. I told her I would give her the same. Its late in the game, but you need to have a very frank convo with her about this, and tell her that you wont say around to be 2nd to anyone.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (10 November 2010): Hello,
I'm sorry to hear about your situation. It seems to me that she has become distant and unattached herself from your relationship somewhere along the way, maybe because her focus is more on the kids and work. Maybe she just isn't in love with you anymore, or maybe she just isn't a romantic type of person. You say that you think she is like this because of how she was raised. Has she always been uninterested in romantic things? If not, it must have to do with getting bored with the relationship or falling out of love. Maybe she loves you but just isn't "in love" with you anymore.
In any case, don't you think both of you deserve so much more? If you aren't happy, you need to find a solution. You could ask her to go to couple's therapy or maybe just sit down and talk together as a first step. But if nothing changes, if she doesn't want to go to therapy or just doesn't care, and you are extremely unhappy, maybe you should think of splitting. Maybe just separate for a while. Maybe if you do that she will realize how much she misses you.
But on a final note, cheating is never, ever, EVER okay. No human being deserves to be taken advantage of by the one they love and trust the most. I have been there, and it is one of the most painful things I have gone through. It will get under her skin, tear down her self esteem(probably for a long time to come), and if you split up it will probably make her not want to have any other relationships because she can't trust anyone. You are stabbing her in the back, the one who has stood by you for 21 years, given you two children, and who has been faithful to you. Would you say that was fair? Think about if she was with another man behind your back. How would you feel? I know there are issues that are making you unhappy, but cheating is NOT the way to deal with them. It will even start taking a toll on you. If you still love your wife, you will start getting torn up by guilt and it will ruin any hope of your relationship ever being repaired. Trust me, either commit to fixing your marriage and cut off contact with the other woman, or split up with your wife and be with the other woman. Nobody deserves to be unhappy, but at least save your wife her dignity.
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