A
female
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:I am truly lost in life and myself. i cry constantly and have anxiety and feel alone wherever i go. i just break down in tears in the street and at home everywherei grew up with an abusive father who called me names and put me down and wouldnt let me out the house i felt like a prisoner if i went out i was stalked by my father and my mum and brother dont care they stay on his side yet they dont go anywhere without him either they are his puppet. my mum and brother would never come out with me even to the shop or for a walk. At 23 i tried to take my life as i couldnt bear anymore and ended up in hospital. i feel like i hate my family and i cant accept what they done to me. then i left home after dating a while and moved 150 miles away to a partner who abused me hitting me, calling me names and throwing me out and on drugs. i then had an affair and the guy i was seeing abused me sexually, physically and verbally too forcing me to have sex all night and day even when i wanted to rest sleep. im still with the first partner despite all this and the other one keeps trying to see me. i am totally lost i dont know whats happening to me or who i am. i cant even smile anymore. i dont know where to go i suffered from depression all my life i could go home but i dont feel happy there or welcome. i really dont feel like anything anymore im so drained.at 46 i feel i have no one anymore not family, not a friend, not a loving partner nothing just emptyness wherever i go
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (15 September 2020): yes you are right i have done alright for myself thank you anna green
A
female
reader, AnnaGreen +, writes (12 September 2020):
 Thank you for posting again. But I honestly believe that you need to stop dwelling on how your family were with you. Lots of people were abused as children, far worse than you, some were abused to the point where their family went to prison. You either cut off your family or you do not. It is your choice. Read books like A Boy Called It, you will soon see how much worse off you could have been. You say you have had a great life, so what is the problem? Some turn into drug addicts, some are totally unable to function, some are so anxious and depressed they are on constant medication and never get a moment of happiness, you have done far better than them.
Even people who had a terrific childhood can have a sad, empty, lonely or pointless adult life.
Life is what you make it.
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A
female
reader, AnnaGreen +, writes (12 September 2020):
Thank you for posting again. But I honestly believe that you need to stop dwelling on how your family were with you. Lots of people were abused as children, far worse than you, some were abused to the point where their family went to prison. You either cut off your family or you do not. It is your choice. Read books like A Boy Called It, you will soon see how much worse off you could have been. You say you have had a great life, so what is the problem? Some turn into drug addicts, some are totally unable to function, some are so anxious and depressed they are on constant medication and never get a moment of happiness, you have done far better than them.Even people who had a terrific childhood can have a sad, empty, lonely or pointless adult life.Life is what you make it.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (11 September 2020): i am replying to peoples comment on my problem. i am self sufficent i dont need anyone for anything
i have a life of my own written books, studied, worked everywhere, lived all over, and been to the best parties and gigs ever, i have travelled all over, been to high profile events, met lots of celebrities done everything i ever wanted to do. but none of that matters.
i am saying i have been abused all my life and i didnt realise what was happening to me
i have been to hospital and had counselling. nothing removes the pain of being abused by your family, and your partners. its hard to think straight when everyone abusive is still in my life how am i supposed to cut off my family and partner i would never be able to forget or forgive myself.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (11 September 2020): i am replying to peoples comment on my problem. i am self sufficent i dont need anyone for anything
i have a life of my own written books, studied, worked everywhere, lived all over, and been to the best parties and gigs ever, i have travelled all over, been to high profile events, met lots of celebrities done everything i ever wanted to do. but none of that matters.
i am saying i have been abused all my life and i didnt realise what was happening to me
i have been to hospital and had counselling. nothing removes the pain of being abused by your family, and your partners. its hard to think straight when everyone abusive is still in my life how am i supposed to cut off my family and partner i would never be able to forget or forgive myself.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (10 September 2020): HiI felt like a deep sadness reading your post and yes you do sound lost and sound like you have almost given up the fight. I do believe that you are at a crossroads in your life and you have to finally remove your visons of suffering and understand that you do have a spirit and hae access to your own personal power and inner strength that can change your life, don't wait for others to change it for you by what they will or won't give emotionally.You are somewhere in between adulthood and childhood and may never have felt able to blossom. Your past has passed all that matters is the hear and now before its too late. You could look at how you can heal and find that true you! she is in you somewhere, you just don't know her yet!!!Have inner faith and search for your own faith in whatever shape or form it comes in, an unshakable belief in something that guides us through life's struggles and gets us through the hard times. You too are responsible for making these changes, we may never receive love in our lives as we would wish or expect as our birthright, but this does not stop us, feeling the warmth of love by loving others. Resentment destroys us and prevents us from feeling the warmth. Please seek professional help for depression but remember you are not alone, God promises that you are never truly alone, find YOU!!!!!!! he never made you empty he gave you a spirit, use it!!!!!!Dance, Sing, Paint, Walk, go to college, start work, volunteer in an orphanage, help the elderly, become a nurse, you are still in time, get away from the past by accepting it has PASSED, give love don't wait for it. life is too short to live in the past, move forward with hope in starting a wonderful new journey filled with whatever you make it. A rainbow hug to you, please smile at tomorrow and wipe the tears of yesterday away.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (9 September 2020): You need to stop dwelling on the past and feeling sorry for yourself. Your choices in the past are what led you to here. Yes you were abused and treated badly but I know of people who were abused far worse than you who are now very happy, they do not dwell on the bad bits, they do not relive misery, they live for today and look forward to tomorrow. You are using the abuse you suffered as an excuse to do nothing and moan and ask for sympathy.You have had chances to improve your life that you ignored. You preferred to feel sorry for yourself. A good life coach will help you to see things differently and make wiser decisions. I have helped a lot of people professionally who have been abused far worse than you. I myself was abused far worse than you as a youngster, it it has not stopped me from being a successful and wealthy businesswoman with a great relationship. The thing is I had to make an effort and work hard to get those. I did not settle for the first man who came along and I did not take the easy way out with work where I wanted to finish early and could not be bothered to study and learn. And do not try to have the best of both Worlds. IF a guy is abusive you cut him out of your life, you cannot have him there as support or to listen to your woes and then complain that he is not good enough. Likewise if your parents were abusive you break away from them, you do not go there for money or somewhere to live. Bad people are bad people you avoid them. It shows you are grown up and you do not want it both ways.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (8 September 2020): Your family-abuse has deeply traumatized you. You harbor a deep resentment and hatred for them; thus you've developed a self-made prison that keeps you in the past. You've never gotten away from your abused-childhood, you just ran-away from home. You refuse to see life but in one-way; always from the angle of how bad life was, and never trying to do anything to make it better. To top things off, you've gotten yourself into bad-relationships; obviously, you've chosen abusive-men like your father. Your story is tragic. You're bitter, and see life only through darkness.
Where is the part of your post where you sought therapy? Did you seek an education? Did you reach-out to anyone, or any group, that could have lead you to a path of peace and healing?
Can you support yourself independently?
I will venture to speculate that you've rejected anyone who has tried to help you. Like many OP's who come to us, they swear no-one knows the depth of their pain and sorrow; and no therapist, no doctor, nobody can ever cure them of what they suffer, and continue to endure. Never could, and never will. Thus, you close yourself off, you searched for the worst male-reject you could find; and he became a new source of pain and sorrow.
You'll read our advice, but it's unlikely you will allow any of it to help you. Your entire post indicates you have lost all hope. No-one can survive without hope. That's what makes us fight for life and struggle to survive. Whatever it takes. You have to forgive the people whom you hate; so you can flush all their poison out of your system. You can't move forward until you do. You have to remove yourself from that wicked-man you've chained yourself to; in an act of self-flagellation and punishment, because you feel so unworthy of anything or anyone good. Sweetheart, that is a gigantic lie. If we don't fight to overcome our pain, it will consume us.
What kind of advice works when people can only see the glass half-empty, never half-full? What kind of advice helps those who see life as only given to them to make them suffer, and their outlook is stark and gloomy? How do you rescue people from their life frozen in the past?
It has been my experience here with DC that when I read a post that is doom and gloom from start to finish; and no matter how well-thought and carefully considered the advice is; the OP comes back with a follow-up post that refutes every single word other readers, aunts, or uncles offered them.
Their self-pity and self-loathing is impenetrable. Their anger is thick and concentrated from years of storage, and it's malignant; because they constantly feed into it with hatred. Never letting-go of the past, clinging to it like it's all they have to live for. They can't imagine the possibility that there are people who have suffered as much, or more than they have. They can't imagine that people break-free, and make better lives for themselves; and actually enrich the lives of others. You can wallow in the darkness; or you can reach for the light. You don't live with your family anymore. You were able to escape their abuse; so your remedy was to find a man who helped perpetuate your misery and pain, so you will never forget or let-go of it. That's very strange logic, indeed! You've traded pain and misery for more pain and misery.
Don't learn to thrive on drama and tragedy! Don't wear it like a prom dress. Fight it, defy it, break-free of it!
Exactly what kind of advice are you prepared to accept and attempt to follow?
I'm not here to rewrite or correct your life. I will make an attempt to offer you hope; and it's up to you to take it from there.
The first thing you need to do, is get out of your toxic and abusive relationship. You can't do anything when you're abused and distraught. You don't have any energy, you're worn-down, and you can't think straight. HE HAS TO GO!!!
Don't even expect your life to change or get any better, when you've invited the devil himself to move-in with you. Drug addicts and men who hit women? Exactly what attracted you to these men? Let me guess! They're messed-up, and misery likes company. You settled, because you don't think you're worth any better. Trying to change and improve yourself was just too hard, unimaginable, and it couldn't possibly happen; because nobody knows the troubles you've seen. Lady, there are lots of people who've been to hell and back; they've even touched-base with death itself! Yet turned their lives completely around! They refused to give-up, and they sought help. They didn't embrace and nurture their misery. They stopped feeling sorry for themselves. The look forward, and refuse to look back! They put the past in the past!
You need to find yourself a therapist to help you navigate through the fog. To dump and vent your pain and suffering. You have to remove yourself from an environment that keeps you trapped in your suffering. You have to decide you're tired of being tired!
When misery runs so deep that you're hopeless. The soul is starved and the spirit is drained. You also need worship and a faith to be connected to. You are a creature of God, and life without Him is hopeless. Doctors and therapists can help the mind and body; but your pain runs deeper than any pill or prescription can reach. Your spirit was ravaged by cruelty and your family formed a gang to suppress your spirit; and to hold you hostage to their will. Your father stole the light from your soul. Only God can replace that light. Survival requires that we seek every available resource to survive.
We have to navigate and maneuver our way through mazes and overcome challenges alone sometimes. When the doctor's office is closed, your hour of therapy is up, and nobody has time to listen to your complaints. God's ear is always open. He never sleeps. He's not a genie, He's not a sorcerer, you can't tell Him how to be God. He has the answers to questions nobody knows how to ask. Life is difficult and tricky. He straightens-out the kinks and twists. He knows your heart, and He heals just for the asking. He has endless love and grace. He leads you to help, and provides for your needs. Give Him a try. If it doesn't work for you...tell me, what do you have to lose? Read your post. Is that someone crying out for help? Is that someone who can't use a miracle? People scoff at spiritual-faith; a resource God gives freely, but some are too intellectual and sophisticated to believe. It crosses their mind on their deathbeds, when they're uncertain whether or not there really is a hell! Once you know for certain, it's too late!
If you can't kick that loser out, then go find yourself a safe and quiet place to live alone; while you're under repair. Make a few friends. Research and find support-groups for people recovering from abuse, domestic-violence, and family-dysfunction. Tell your story, learn from others, feed your soul and spirit.
Like Code Warrior says: "The choice is yours. If I were you, I'd get busy living."
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (8 September 2020): I am sure you see other people and mix with people and are not all alone all of the time. Nobody is.
You go shopping, or you go to work or deal with people at work so that you can pay your bills. The next step is then to get a reputable therapist to help you. Thinking back to the post is of no help, it is simply torturing yourself.
Living in the past - whether it was good or bad - is futile.
Once you are sorted out - which takes time - then you can maybe get a partner and friends. Right now that would not work.
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