A
female
age
51-59,
anonymous
writes:I found messages on my husbands phone from a dominatrix he been to see. He had told me that he to attend a training course but was actually with this dominatrix for 3 entire days. He claims not to have had sex but instead was dressed as a woman and did chores in her home. He had suggested to me that he would like to be dressed as a maid and have me make him do the ironing. He is sexually submissive but I'm not into really into that. He spent over 2000GBP seeing the dominatrix. Should I just let him do his thing? Reply to this Question
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reader, anonymous, writes (12 September 2020): Lots of people just do not get how this works. They think he wants to do ironing and cleaning! Very naive. If he is there for a whole day and he starts to do a bit of ironing within minutes he will make sure he has made a big mistake and has to be punished. 90% of the time is spent on his punishments not the ironing and cleaning, which he finds very boring and only does as a means to an end. He hates that bit.He begrudgingly does that bit for as short a time as possible so that he gets great pleasure out of the punishment which he makes last as long as he can. It is a full time job. You cannot go off and leave him to do housework. He will get nothing out of that at all.
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reader, anonymous, writes (11 September 2020): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionApparently this woman is a professional dominatrix and does couple coaching which my husband would like us to do. During his time there she was seeing other clients and mostly doing her own thing while he was given tasks, some useful but others just to keep him busy. He was told he’d be asked to leave if he kept doing deliberate mistakes to get her attention. However he did get ‘punished’ for arbitrary things like laddering the tights he was wearing and chipping his nails and forgetting to thank her. His reward was being allowed to stay to do chores the next day.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (10 September 2020):
Hi,
Yes, let him do the Ironing if he would like this, and then offer him other household tasks. Then you both feel good.
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A
female
reader, Youcannotbeserious +, writes (8 September 2020):
 Sounds more like transvestite tendencies than domination. Many men, especially ones in high powered stressful jobs, find dressing in women's clothes relaxing and comforting. Can you bring yourself to allowing him to dress up indoors?
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (8 September 2020): Your husband managed to get to see a so called dominitrax (a bored unemployed woman more like) for three days without your knowledge or approval. He can do it again. There are loads of ways he can do it without you knowing and he does not need permission. He is a grown man. He can come and go as he pleases. You cannot lock him in as if he is a prisoner or expect him to explain his every movement - not unless you want to bore him so much he leaves and ends the marriage.
It is more likely that he would end the marriage than you would. You are not meeting his needs and if he is very keen on those needs he can get them met elsewhere - without waiting until he can sneak away and pay.
What does he get out of staying married to you?
Do not just look at his behaviour and how he is with you but also yours and how you are with him.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (8 September 2020): You can dream on if you think this is a way to get a clean house. The man is not interested in cleaning, he wants to drag his feet and make plenty of mistakes, he wants to be told off and punished. Most of the time would be spent on that, not him cleaning. Get real.
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (7 September 2020): A real dom would charge a huge amount per hour. She would make sure there is someone else around to make sure she is safe and she would never ever meet at her own home or give out her address. Nobody other than someone very rich would be able to afford a whole three days. She as an amateur
who thought it was a chance to earn a few dollars if shes put on a bit of role play, not the real thing.
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male
reader, anonymous, writes (7 September 2020): This is not a case of a guy going to do housework for some woman who gives him orders. It is about him being told to so something and deliberately doing it wrong, too slowly - i.e. burning a hole in your new dress with the iron - because he longs to be punished and told off. You would not get a clean house or any ironing done. Most of the time would be spent with him deliberately doing it too slowly or wrong and you punishing him. That is what he is there for. To be punished, not do housework. The housework is just a means to an end.
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (7 September 2020): Lots of men have a fantasy of seeing a dominitrax. Just as lots of men have a fetish. The price he paid was cheap, she sounds very amateurish. And a proper professional would have checked him out and made sure the first few meets were much shorter before agreeing to a long meet.
They would also make sure they have someone there to ensure they are safe in case he is a weirdo and violent, or tries to rob her.
A real dominitrax will have a dungeon room, full of props, toys, clothes. Many of the props are hand made to exact specifications and very expensive.
Some men have this idea that it is about sex, and they will go and have sex with this woman dressed in leather, pvc etc, but the real thing does not include penetration or sexual acts. It might include her spanking him etc but not sex. But, of course, to him this is even better than sex.
If he can go to a real professional that is very different to a wife dressing up. The special room, props, furniture etc cost a fortune and are just as much a part of it as she is. The fact he does not live with her and sleep next to her every night is important too. He needs someone he is not familiar with, someone he has never been close to. It is a totally different relationship. He can't feel the same way about a wife or girlfriend, especially if all she offers is one outfit and an amateurish attempt at getting it right.
Nobody is going to pay 2000 to a housewife with just one outfit - so dream on.
If you think it is easy get a job working for a sex chat company for a while and do it on the phone for strangers. You will soon see whether you are cut out for it or not.
But it is not easy, and you may well feel sick at hearing some of the things some of the guys say.
I have an assertive confident personality and once had a guy offering me money to be my so called slave. He wanted to come over and do my ironing, cleaning, making me tea etc. But of course he expected me to be there all day instead of running my business and you need to see where the man is coming from too - he wants to do it wrong, he wants me to shout at him, he wants me to be stern with him and tell him off. He gets no pleasure from ironing and cleaning. He gets pleasure by being bossed about.
It would have been hard work and it would have meant it would take far longer to iron a few bits and pieces than it would if a normal person who did not want lots of attention were doing it.
If he makes me a cup of tea I am supposed to spit some out in disgust and say it tastes revolting, and insist he makes it again to my tastes - or else. And of course he will make sure he gets it wrong the second time too because it is the or else that he is after.
It is about him manipulating you. He wants to be punished and shouted at so he pretends to be wanting to please you, gets it wrong on purpose, and gets what he wants.
I would also be put out if my man was spending a lot of our money on this. That is money that should be going towards household bills or a holiday. On the other hand if he is earning it he is entitled to spend it. And you may be better off with him doing this than leaving you altogether.
Most men like this have this fantasy of finding a girlfriend who will be this way with him - they want the best of both Worlds. They want someone who is sexy, bossy, firm, punishing, but who will not charge them fees! So they try to find a woman who will tick both boxes. Of course, the odds of them finding that are very slim as most women who do this will charge and will laugh at the idea of giving it away for nothing. Especially if they have invested in their special furniture, props, sex toys etc which they will be sharing with him. If a woman wanted to do this free she could easily get a very long queue forming, people eager to take advantage of her generosity - and stupidity.
In the old days people used to advertise in sex magazines. Nowadays it is all online.
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reader, anonymous, writes (6 September 2020): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionWe have independent finances. I think he finds dressing up as a woman exciting not degrading. He said he would be humiliated if I told our friends and does not desire this level of humiliation.
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female
reader, Youcannotbeserious +, writes (6 September 2020):
I have little doubt that sex was NOT involved. Domination is not about sex; it is about humiliation and submissiveness. The general gist is that the "slave" is not worthy of his "mistress", so certainly not worthy of having sex with her.
I have a bit of a devilish streak in me and would take full advantage of this situation. (I have always - only half jokingly - said that, if I had to earn my money in the sex industry, I could quite easily be a dominatrix.) In your shoes I would invest in a nice black leather outfit and a whip and charge your slave to clean the house. This would have advantages from every angle in my view:
- Your husband would not need to go elsewhere to fulfill his "needs";
- Your house would be sparkling (otherwise the slave would be punished until it was);
- You would be quids in with the money you would be charging for your "services".
Now whether you can stomach this or not is entirely dependent on you. Some women could, some couldn't. There is no right or wrong. What you have to realize is that this is a fetish your husband cannot control completely. It is his "thing" and he needs it badly enough to pay extortionate amounts of money for it. (I am led to believe good dominatrix don't come cheaply as, once they have their slaves hooked, they can charge whatever they like.) He may try to stop seeing his "mistress". This will lead to him feeling like something is missing in his life and will either lead to him being miserable or going off searching for fulfillment.
If I were you, I would try giving it a go. If it is really not you and makes you uncomfortable/miserable, then you have to make a decision: do you allow your husband to get his kicks elsewhere or do you call it a day and walk away from your marriage? You don't mention the latter as an option, so I assume it isn't something you would consider.
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reader, Honeypie  +, writes (6 September 2020):
 You ask if you should "just let him"... And that is something none of us can answer.
How do you feel about this?
Can you afford it?
Do you feel it would improve on your marriage or not?
Personally? If my husband went and spend that much money to dress up and be belittled, I think out marriage is over. Because it would take away finances from the WHOLE family and that I don't think is something I'd be OK with. Secondly, would be him wanting to dress up as a woman and humiliated... What kind of image does he HAVE of women if he think that is OK? Unless the dressing up as a women is just another layer of the humiliation, even then I still find the notion that that dressing as a woman is somehow something humiliating.
I would lose all respect for my husband if he expected me to "make" him do chores while wearing a maids outfit. Then again, I don't get what a LOT of people do to get their rocks off.
Someone who CHOOSES to make THEIR kink a bigger priority than the marriage and family are just utterly selfish and self involved.
But that is me. You might feel differently.
You need to figure out how you REALLY feel about this. If you wish to stick your head in the sand and watch him waste money of a KINK, then that is what YOU can choose.
But you do need to figure out if this is at all acceptable for you.
If it's not, well... then you need to look at what other options you have.
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female
reader, Aunty Babbit +, writes (6 September 2020):
 There are a few issues here.
1) Why did you check your husband's phone? It seems there may already be a trust issue.
2) Your husband has lied to you.
3) Your husband has spent a considerable amount of money without consulting you (unless you have seperate funds in which case,so be it).
Dominatrix activities are not about sex, they are about submission so there is no reason to doubt your husband when he says he didn't have sex with her.
I think the question you need to ask yourself is how do you feel about this?
I think you both need to sit down and talk openly and frankly about this situation. Find out why he didn't tell you about this meeting. Maybe he was ashamed and embarrassed. He might be very relieved that you know his secret.
You need to explain to him why you were suspicious enough to check his phone records.
You both need to work on trusting each other.
With regards to your husbands request.
You might be ok with demanding your husband do household chores, I can think of many women that would give their eye teeth for such a man, but you may not be comfortable with that.
How do you feel about him being in women's clothing, such as a maid's outfit?
Think about what your ok with and what you're not and then talk to your husband and see if you can reach a compromise.
If you really don't want to be part of this, would you be comfortable considering it as his "hobby" and agree to him seeing a dominatrix so many times a year, for example, to fufill this fantasy?
Some women would be other's wouldn't.
I've thought about this and tried to put myself in your shoes. I think I would be more unhappy about my husband sharing something like this with another woman so I think I would prefer to let him live out his fantasy at home under my "very strict" supervision (pun intended).
However, that said, I think this is a very personal thing and only you know what you would be happy to go along with or accept.
In a nutshell, I think you two need to talk and open up to each other with regards to trusting each other and you need to think about how you feel about your husband's trip away. If you guys can move past that I think you need to address the elephant in the room and decided together how you're both going deal with your husband's request.
I hope this help ABx
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