A
female
age
36-40,
*ach889
writes:I had been with my boyfriend for almost 7 years and we got engaged last Christmas. He also moved in with me around the same time and we were never happier. Around 4 months ago he started to get down and depressed, we put it down to money worries, wedding stress etc, the wedding was booked for August 09. About 9 weeks ago, he hit rock bottom and we decided to go on a break, he moved back in with his parents. I found out 1 week ago that he has actually been having an affair for the last 5 months, and it got a lot worse when he moved out. He admits it, and says he doesn't know why he done it. I reckon it was maybe something to do with getting married, the girl is a lot younger than him. It is now clear that he was depressed due to the guilt he was feeling.He wants me to forgive him, he knows it was a big mistake, but my heart has been pulled apart by this.I can't just stop loving him, but at the same time I hate him for what he has done. I am feeling a lot of pressure from friends and family to let him go, and a lot of pressure from him and his family to take him back.I have never been in this position before, I know he regrets it but will I ever be happy with him again?I feel like my world has been crushed, all our wedding plans have been made.Please help me with some impartial advice!Thank you
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female
reader, damag3d  +, writes (16 December 2008):
 "Don't marry the person you can live with, marry the one you can not live without"That being said, if you can see yourself moving on and surviving without him by your side, don't even take the risk. He had an emotional, not just a physical, but a caring relationship with someone else. You definitely do not need to go ahead with the wedding. Even if you decide to take him back and try again, postpone the wedding and give your relationship some time to regain it's strength and your trust in each other. You will not be happy if you can't trust him. It will tear you both apart.
A
reader, anonymous, writes (16 December 2008): when you really love someone no matter what they do its hard not to love them,maybe it'l take some time but you'l eventually get over him but if you truly believe he is the one for you then that depends upon you...are you willing to risk getting hurt again? or would you rather play it safe and dump him? but the real question is what will you regret more? will u regret it more if you get abck with him and he cheats on you..or will you regret it more not getting with him and being unsure for the rest of your life wondering whther if he really was 'the one'...
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (16 December 2008): What were your reasons for wanting to get married?
What were his reasons for wanting to get married?
Who propsed?
I am only asking these questions as it seems as though there may have been a conflict of views on this. Looking at your age history. It seems that you both settled down young, there is no problem with this but people change.
On another note. It seems as though you have both experienced alot before the wedding and this means that the excitement may have already gone. The foundations were not set right. As a Christian! the belief of marriage is to tie people together in unity as one infront of God.
I imagine that you both were sleeping together before the impending wedding! and therefore the question is why buy the whole cow if the milk is free!. I know it is not a nice statement but it is something that I learnt. The innocence was lost along time ago and to settle down when you both have already experienced so much doesn't always go to plan.
Sex before marriage is a sin for these reasons and Jesus preached this to show us all how we should live. Your fiance knew you before getting married. 'you may now kiss the bride' signals that a kiss had not taken place before the marriage and the honeymoon period has long been experienced.
My advice to you would be to either work on what you have now. If that is what you BOTH want. He needs to speak up and tell you exactly how he feels and what led him to have this 5 MONTH affair. The depression may be partly to do with the guilt but it may also be partly to do with him longing to be with this girl. You dont know the whole truth!
Hatred is a word to describe immense feelings of dislike toward someone or something. You say you hate him. How can you love someone you hate. You will have to cancel your wedding arrangement. Although a very sad thing to do. The wedding is really between you, him and God. People are just there to witness your outward decleration of loving eachother and being bind together. A wedding is not just for the day but for life.
I really do feel for you as I am from a similar posistion. My ex had and affiar after 10 years together and my whole world was upside down.
Stop and think before making any decisions.
God Bless x
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (16 December 2008): You might forgive him but will never forget this, so I say move on without him. He had an 5 month affair, not a last fling with someone before getting married, not that that's ok either. Maybe he realized the impending marriage between you isn't what he really wants and did what he could to drive you away. Maybe he feels like he hasn't been around enough before committing his life to someone else. You don't say how old he is, only that the girl is a lot younger. Could he be having a mid-life crisis?
Whatever the reason, he betrayed you in the worst way. I know that hurts like nothing else, but I think you're in for even worse if you continue with this man. My sister was in a very similar situation. She met her ex husband when they were teenagers. They dated for many years, during which he cheated quite a few times. But they married anyway, and he only waited a year before starting another affair. She's so happily married to another man now, her true soul mate, that those dark days are only bad memories. Leave this man, grieve your loss, then get on with finding the right one, someone who will never betray you like this. Good luck!
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A
female
reader, mightaphodite +, writes (16 December 2008):
It's hard to offer impartial advice, because from what you've said he sounds like someone who's definitely not to be trusted. He lied to you for months and now he wants you back? If he doesn't know why he did it, how can you even begin to understand him, let alone be sure that he won't do it again? I mean, is there a good reason? Could there ever be one? Ask yourself are you in love with a memory or him. I know that you can't just decide not to love someone, but I also know that you can't make yourself forget&forgive. Whatever you do, don't do it just because you happen to be under pressure. I don't understand why his friends and family intervene on his behalf. It seems so inappropriate. It's between you two. Give yourself time. We're all different. If it was me, I'd never take him back, because I wouldn't be able to accept and move on. I can accept that by nature we are not monogamous, that we can get interested in other people and act accordingly. What I can't accept is a conscious choice to lie about it. A liar is always protecting only one person - him/herself. I hope I didn't add to that pressure you're under and that you'll get out of this situation soon. Best of luck!
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A
female
reader, ponycarebear  +, writes (16 December 2008):
 you could have every reason to hate him for what he has done, but considering the number of years you guys have been together, he probably got tired and started to wonder if you were really THE ONE for him. i mean, things like that happen all the time. but since he has figured that he's wrong and he loves you, i hope you could give him a chance..
i know you could have lost the trust you used to have in him but everybody makes mistake.
ask him: Do you still love me? if you do, why did you do this to me? have i done something wrong?
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A
female
reader, samsmommy +, writes (16 December 2008):
 The fact that it was a 5 month affair says a lot, it means that it wasn't some fling he had or something he did when he was drunk, it was him trying to be with 2 people at once, sneaking around behind your back, and seeing this other girl. You have to wonder, is he sorry because he hurt you and he truly realizes it was a big mistake, or is he sorry because he got caught?
If he genuinely is sorry and he's never done anything like this before, you might consider giving him a second chance. But it this is the norm for him, it will probably continue throughout your marriage and it would be best to find someone else who will respect you enough to not cheat on you.
Best Wishes
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (16 December 2008): I certainly wouldn't marry him. Part of it might be that if he has been with you for seven years, maybe he feels he missed out on dating others. My cousin married his first girlfriend, and ended up cheating on her, mainly because he felt like he never got to date anyone else. It's hard to tell whether their marriage ever recovered from this. You don't have to break up with him, but I would put the wedding plans on the back burner for awhile, maybe consider premarital counseling.You are young and if he's not right for you, it's better to deal with that now and find someone who deserves you.
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A
male
reader, thetruth357 +, writes (16 December 2008):
Dump that cocksucker. I've heard many times when people date for many years and they get married it doesn't last long, because they weren't meant for each other or they wouldn't have waited so long to get married.
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A
male
reader, vladscott +, writes (16 December 2008):
HiHe is feeling depressed and confused and being given his freedom he did betray you. You will never forget this incident no matter what you currently think. It will always come back to haunt you if you do decide to form a permanent relationship with him and then have a fight.I know this is a big step but you need a complete break. It is difficult to come to terms with this but I sure you if you do take him back you will resurrect this at times of stress. Mark this one down to experience and move on. If in say 18 months time you are still fancy free and he is also then you could consider renewing the relationship. But by that time you both would have some other experiences to consider and look back onOne final note if he did have an affair with this younger person, was it protected sex, if not then you have additional cause for concern.I am a sex counselor and come across this often and I will understand if this does not sit where you wanted it to, but it is impartial and hopefully well balanced
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