A
male
age
51-59,
anonymous
writes:Ok here is my story. I met my wife 14 years ago. She was 19 and i was 28. I met her through a friend. She had a daughter and i had 2 daughters from previous relstionships. The first time I met her I asked her what she thought of me and she said I was "ok". I was coming off a relationship were my fiancee had cheated on me with alot of my friends and it really messed with my head so that wasn't exactly a vote of confidence. When I asked the girl who introduced us what she thought of me she said she was still in love with her xboyfriend. So I figured that was fine. Not every girl is going to like me so I will move on. So I did. A month passed by and we talked maybe five or six times on the phone. I called her on Christmas and she hurried me off. So again I didn't let it bother me. So Jan 2 she calls me again. Wants me to take her to the store for cigarettes. So I'm a nice guy and am still interested in her so I do. I take her back to her place and she invites me in. We are talking and getting along really well when out of the blue she politely asked me leave "so her buddy Bobby can come over. This guy is her xx boyfriend. I asked why he was coming over and she said she was trying to hook him up with her friend. So I leave. Two days later she calls me again. I was having a party and she wants to come. So I pick her up and bring her to the party. she said she really likes me and wants us to be boyfriend and girlfriend. I think wow all I needed was a little patience and things will fall into place. So we start going out. I'm old school so we didn't have sex for two weeks. then the big night came and I was shocked to see hickies all over her boobs and chest. I asked her who they were from and she said Bob from the time two days before we started going out. this was a real crusher because I was already emotionally attached. then to top it all off she tells me a week later she may be pregnant by this guy. luckily she wasn't. so I asked her what the story was. she said him and her were going to get back together and he just used her and never called back. so I asked her if she settled for me and she said no. she said she liked me but didn't think I liked her. so like an idiot I let it go. 8 years passed with some rough patches along the way like everyone else. but these last four years of been really tough. her mom now watches his kid that he has with someone else. so I see this guy all the time and it brings it back every time. its starting to affect our relationship badly. now that I know what he looks like I will look at her on the couch and see him on top of her. my mind is not nice to me. it's affected our sex life to the point where I'll skip 4 or 5 nights. now she thinks I no longer want her and am cheating on her. and sometimes when we do have sex I have a hard time shooting the flag up the pole if you get my meaning. I love my wife but I have a hard time looking at her the same way. I don't want to get divorced because I'll still feel this way and miss my wife. can someone please help me with this? it's tearing me up inside to the point where something on TV even remind me of it. I don't know what to do I'm 42 years old and I'm unhappy. I can't get past the fact that I feel she's settled for me. please help!
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female
reader, janniepeg  +, writes (24 July 2014):
 This whole thing just doesn't make any sense. I think your wife bad mouthed you to her mother, or told lies about you such as you cheating. Maybe she even said she still loved her ex. Her mom never had to see the other guys' flaws. Your wife got the best deal but is never happy with anything so whenever life is stressful she blames it on you and complains to mother. Her mother probably hates men too because of what her old man did to her. When you are a nice person you attract a lot of dark energies because you become a perfect host for them to unload.
What you should do now is talk to a lawyer about your options. Your daughter should live with you and be removed from that toxic environment.
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reader, anonymous, writes (23 July 2014): The chance of you getting ahead in this is slim and none and slim just left town on a bus. I suggest you do the same. Metaphorically speaking.
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reader, anonymous, writes (23 July 2014): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionIts almost been a year since i posted and not much has changed. I had the sit down talk as some said and that was a nightmare. My mother in law got involved and it got violent. They were ganging up on me, holding me down by my hair and my daughter intervened and fought them off. She told them to leave me alone and know they say I'm a bad dad for allowing her to talk to them that way. They are all crazy and i can't believe I've been subjected to this for a long 15 years. The physical abuse doesn't hurt me, but it's the fact that she is trying to hurt me that i can't get over. I'm sure i sound like an idiot but i still love her even though it looks like the feeling is not mutual. Now she no longer likes the daughter we have together. She loves the daughter she has from before us. And my daughter knows this and cries when my wife is at work. I'm at a loss and have no clue how to rectify this situation to make it OK for everyone.
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reader, anonymous, writes (24 September 2013): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionthank you to everyone so much for the great responses. To Jannie, thank you for your response. This is the one that bugs me the most. she was never even married to him. her mom didn't like me so she had him come around just to p*** me off. it worked. She offer to watch his kid. So I stopped going with her to her moms. she would still go without me. So I'm sure he was there at times. but I will say he called her about a month after we were going out and asked her to go out with him and she told him to stop calling that she had a boyfriend now. So this is why it's so hard. To AuntyEm, I know what u mean and have tried to talk to her about it. she tells me she's paid enough and it was before we started going out so its not my business. I told her it'd be different if it was a month, but it was 2 days! and I didn't know any of this until 3 weeks into the relationship. I have another question how long do hickeys last? 3 weeks?? BecauseI've had a couple that last four days at the most. These were fading but still visible. She also doesn't trust me at all which makes me a little leery. she's always trying to catch me in something. Its almost like she wants to. And I I've been faithful the whole 14 years. Never once given her a reason to think anything. I'm sorry if groveling over this makes me look wimpy. I'm not wimpy. I'm just a caring guy who loves women too much and it blinds me to the truths that I should see.And no he is not better looking than me HappyPlace lol. He looks like a catfish. That's what I don't get. I had a house, car, good job and ten other girls I could have been sleeping with and wasn't and she chose to let him come over and take advantage of her and call me two days later like it was nothing. But it's my own fault. I chose this for myself so now I have to live with it. The daughter she has is now 16. We have a daughter together that Is 10. My other two daughters are now grown and married. The daughter she has is not by the guy was talking about. But he never comes to see her at all in 14 years. Not once. so she sees me as her dad. she used to think I was her dad until my mother in law told her otherwise just to be mean. I've cooked everyday for 14 years, get the kids on the bus, clean, help them with homework and pay all the bills. But still can't get the answers im looking for.Thanks to all again. U have made me feel a lot better. There are still people out there that care.
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A
male
reader, GentleGiant +, writes (24 September 2013):
My friend i firmly believed that you settled for her and actually it is now starting really bother you. After what you have done for her and her lack of appreciation it tells me she does not deserve all the extras that you are giving her in the relationship which i feel is totally one sided in my point of view of course. You sit her down and see what the hell is going on and if you do not get some kind of pay back for all you have done till now you better just say good bye. What the hell here? Her behavior is totally un acceptable. Any other man would of told her where to go by now. You have been to overly accommodating in this one sided relationship and at the end of the tunnel your just going to become her fool and the outcome isn't going to be good for you at all. Take small corrective steps now. You have to feel good also in a relationship.If she cannot give that then you know what you have to do here. No mystery my friend. Be under no illusions here. What you see is what you get and to think she can change is truly foolish. Behavior can be modified but never changed or totally altered. Good-luck, move forward.
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reader, anonymous, writes (23 September 2013): I think it is you that settled for her. You sound like a pretty nice guy. I don't think she deserves a relationship she didn't earn.
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female
reader, AuntyEm  +, writes (23 September 2013):
 You married someone who was never really into you in the first place and now you are wondering why it's not all perfect and wonderful?
You have low self esteem because you have had bad experiences and your need to be with someone to counter act those awful feelings has resulting in you marrying someone who was not right for you.
This thing with her ex will never go away. I agree with Jannie...If the ex had shaped up, she would have been with him now and you would have just been a time passer.
You are 42 and you are unhappy because you are in an unfixable situation. Stop beating around the bush, get it all out there, tell her that you see her ex on top of her everytime you look at her (because you do...and it's a barrier) Make her explain to you how much the marriage means to her and how much she wants it to go the distance. Make her tell you the truth...and if she won't....
Sometimes we value the institution of marriage more than we value ourselves. Sometimes we endure hell just to be able to say we stuck to our principles. Sometimes we lie to ourselves rather than admit we made a mistake.
This won't go away until you deal with it...so deal with it!
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A
female
reader, janniepeg +, writes (23 September 2013):
I don't understand why her mom has to watch his kid. Shouldn't the in law relationship end too, especially when that's not her grand kid? Or did she lie and actually that's her kid?
This is not a case of she did this, this in the past and you didn't get that experience. You were too nice all along and she just got with you because her ex was useless yet charming but you offered her stability and are a father figure to her child. You suspect that she doesn't love you yet expect you to act like a husband/lover. If her ex pulled his act together she would be married to him long time ago.
I think it's strange that her mom would babysit that kid, whoever that is. I wouldn't let this go, (like you did many many times) I would try to find out who that kid really is.
Your concerns are very valid. A man can't get hard when he feels like his wife doesn't really love him.
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A
female
reader, HappyPlace +, writes (23 September 2013):
 She was quite young when you met as the fag buying and hickies on the neck/boobs suggest, just saying as it already classes her as a bit of a good time girl, if you know what I mean!! I think you need to sit down with her and bare your soul - tell her how you feel and try to get reassurance. You clearly have communication issues too as she must be wondering why you don't want to make love. This is retro-active jealousy rearing its head. How is the relationship generally?? Is he better looking than you and this has caused your crash in self confidence?
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