A
female
age
51-59,
anonymous
writes:Hi. I am writing again, because I feel like I have no one to talk to about my problem. To rehash my story, the love of my life left me almost 4 years ago after being together for almost 5 years long distance. I have not been able to get over her. I'm gay and she was my first love. I had a really hard time with coming to terms with being gay and she was the only one in my life who accepted me as I am. My family and friends are very conservative and so I have not been able to come out to most of them for fear of losing their friendship. For her sake, I told my parents that I am gay and our relationship has never been the same since. They still love me, but I am sure they are ashamed of me at the same time. My mother even told me that me being gay made her soul feel like it is rotting. They constantly pressure me to get married to a man, but I don't think it is fair to marry a man (or anyone for that matter) just to please my family. I believe everyone deserves to find someone who loves them and wants to be with them. I am still in love with my ex after all this time. I feel stupid for still being in love with someone who can never love me in return, but I find that time has not healed me at all. I have asked her several times why she broke up with me, but she wouldn't tell me. I always treated her well and never once cheated. I was never once jealous of her time with other lesbian women, because I trusted her and wanted her to be happy and have friends. We got along very well in the relationship and rarely argued at all. So I don't understand why she left me. She says that she thinks I am a great person, but she didn't love me anymore. Her words to me were "You are a wonderful person, I don't know why I don't love you." Those words only confused me more. If I am so great, why would she let me go? I suppose it doesn't change anything if I knew why she left, but I think it would give me some closure. I know she still wants my friendship, but I feel like my soul died the day she left. I have cried almost every day since we broke up and I have lost a lot of weight and I can't sleep. I know my physical health has declined in recent years over this. I have tried everything to feel better, including trying to meet other people and keeping myself busy, but I feel like I am only getting worse. I find that I just feel sad or numb most days, like I am just a shadow and not alive. I feel really alone and isolated because I don't really have any gay friends or gay friendly friends. All the gay friendly friends I had were part of her social circle, so now that we are not a couple anymore, I feel like I lost them too. Does anyone know how I can get over her and feel normal again? I don't know what's wrong with me, like why can't I just snap out of it like everyone else? I know I am not the first nor the last to have a broken heart, so why can't I get over it? I want to move on so much, but I can't.
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broke up, jealous, lesbian, long distance, move on, my ex Reply to this Question
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female
reader, chita22  +, writes (29 January 2011):
 I think u need closure. She just left w/out telling u why and also she's your first no matter what happens in life she will always have a spot in your heart that's normal. Usualy the 1st is the hardest to get over and most people I know still get butterflies when they even metion there 1st love. It takes time to move on there's no time limit. The best way to move on is when u find a nother person but u have to let your gaurd down,don't compare the 2 ever. I realy hope u find a new love u sound like a good person my heart goes out to u.
A
male
reader, CaringGuy +, writes (29 January 2011):
This is very sad, but I think I have a decent answer for you.
I think the reason you can't get over her is because she was the only person who has ever accepted you for who you are. She, as you say, was your first love. So that's one strong bond. At the same time, your family have simply never accepted you for being gay. So, in turn, that made you turn even more to this one woman who accepted you.
The problem is, you lost that one rock, that once connection that made you feel accepted, that one person who accepted you as you are. And because you have no support elsewhere, you've never been able to move on.
I think you need to see a counsellor to sort this out. You'r slipping into depression, and not moving on. You also need to ensure that contact is cut with this woman.
You are who you are. If people around you can't accept that, then that's their problem. What you need to do is try to accept that others can't accept it (if that makes sense), and to try and stop seeking validation from those around you.
In other words, you need to openly be yourself and stop worrying about what others think.
Please go and speak to a counsellor, end contact with this woman and make a totally clean break.
...............................
A
male
reader, CaringGuy +, writes (29 January 2011):
This is very sad, but I think I have a decent answer for you.
I think the reason you can't get over her is because she was the only person who has ever accepted you for who you are. She, as you say, was your first love. So that's one strong bond. At the same time, your family have simply never accepted you for being gay. So, in turn, that made you turn even more to this one woman who accepted you.
The problem is, you lost that one rock, that once connection that made you feel accepted, that one person who accepted you as you are. And because you have no support elsewhere, you've never been able to move on.
I think you need to see a counsellor to sort this out. You'r slipping into depression, and not moving on. You also need to ensure that contact is cut with this woman.
You are who you are. If people around you can't accept that, then that's their problem. What you need to do is try to accept that others can't accept it (if that makes sense), and to try and stop seeking validation from those around you.
In other words, you need to openly be yourself and stop worrying about what others think.
Please go and speak to a counsellor, end contact with this woman and make a totally clean break.
...............................
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