A
female
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes:I want to start off by saying I have serious issues with self worth. Some was instigated by my family situation growing up and has been perpetuated by guys that I date. I realize that I am typically attracted to a certain kind of guy who i know is bad for me and will only hurt me in the end. The older I get the more I feel the need to give my body to the guy I'm dating in fear that if I don't sleep with him, he will leave. My current problem is that I dated a guy for the last month who just called it quits last night. I was so confused about my feelings for him because while I thought I liked him, I also knew within literally 30 seconds of meeting him that he was a player. There were red flags all over the place but I continued to go down the road of seeing him and slept with him only a week after knowing him. He's moving 45 minutes away from me in a month and is using that as the reason for ending it. I feel conflicted because he kept talking about the future and even brought up marriage twice! Which I guess could just be one of his standard lines to keep a girl hooked until he is done and ready to move on to the next girl. He told me he hadn't been so excited about a girl since his last serious relationship 2 years ago and he had never dated anyone as much as me. He even took me home to meet his parents and then later introduced me to his friends. I'm so confused why he would just up and leave if he continuously said and did those types of things. My main issue that I'm struggling with is feeling dirty and cheap. I feel like I was used solely for sex and now I'm boring and irrelevant a month later. It is having serious implications on the whole feelings of self worth. Time and time again I take those feelings out through disordered eating mainly through starving myself.To complicate everything, the last guy I had a relationship with genuinely cared about me as a person and was the first man to make me feel like I was loved. I ended up destroying that relationship through jealously (it was long distance and I was terrified of losing him to another girl).I feel like my romantic life is constantly on a fast track to destruction. I don't understand why if I know all these things, I continue to seek validation in the worst possible ways when I know I'm going to get emotionally attached and end up getting hurt.Any advice on these patterns or how to feel better about the most recent incident of getting hurt would be very, very much appreciated.
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male
reader, Xearo  +, writes (7 December 2014):
Life is very short and it would be a shame to waste it on all the bad things. I am not sure how your social circle is and who is actually in your life but you need some positive encouragement. Whether that comes from yourself or your social circle is up to you.
I can't describe too well exactly what you are going through, but I can compare it to a bad addiction. People know the addiction is bad, but they succumb to it every time. It feels good at first and then the trouble starts. You made an attempt at a good guy but it didnt work out, and you gave up and blamed yourself. Let's not forget that long distance relationships are a whole different game. You've got to keep at it, you got to keep trying doing the right things and let the right things become a habit.
It is hard, but anything worth improving in one's life tends to always be hard. Your problem isn't necessarily about falling for bad guys and knowing that you do. At some point, you would have heard all the advice anyone could give like "hey you should date a nice guy" or "hey don't be too hard on yourself, dating is hard" but words can only mean so much if you don't put in the effort and let your actions reflect your thoughts. You know the guy is bad, then turn away and say no. The guy seems good, then say yes. If it doesn't work out, then you keep trying.
What do you have to offer to a relationship? Is it just sex? Is your sex even that great? What about conversations? Support? Can you cook? Can you listen? Can you express yourself clearly? Would you make a good mother? What are your hobbies? What are your friends hobbies? Are you involved in their hobbies as well? While I do think you have a good talent for spotting players, players have a good way of spotting their prey. I doubt you want to continue projecting an image of a person who is easily manipulated.
Best of luck to you, I hope you keep at it and never give up.
A
female
reader, maverick494 +, writes (6 December 2014):
I would highly suggest to stop dating for now. Date yourself instead. That may sound stupid, but you need to get to know yourself and learn to enjoy spending time by yourself again.
All that stuff about two halves becoming one, blah blah is simply not true. You are already one. Relationships will not fix the cracks and the issues you have with yourself. If you hate yourself, if you feel worthless and cheap, then no man, no matter how loving, will be able to fix that. You have to fix it yourself.
You already seem to have a pretty fine tuned gut feeling. That voice in the back of your head that tells you that the guy you're dating is a player. You have to start listening to it more often. Don't settle for guys you know are bad for you because you're afraid you won't be able to get a better man. Trust me, there are better men out there. No straight woman would be able to have happy relationships if the male population consists of players and assholes.
Also, don't feel bad about past mistakes. You've made them. It's only bad if you don't learn from them. So do. Learn for example, that:
- In a relationship, all you can control is your own actions. Tell yourself this every time in a relationship you start to feel jealous.
- You cannot control his feelings or his love or lack of love for you.
- Throwing your body at him in an attempt to get him to stay, will NEVER work, because love cannot be bought and your body is not a currency.
- If a man tries to convince you he can only love you if you have sex with him, he's lying. Dump him immediately.
Also, very important:
- You are NOT dirty or cheap. Having sex, regardless of whether the person you did it with leaves afterwards or not, does not make you cheap. You're not an object, so stop seeing yourself as one. If you enjoyed the sex when it was taking place, then there's absolutely nothing wrong with that. Just make sure, that when you have sex in the future, you do it because you want to, not because you feel obligated. Treat yourself with care.
- You seem like the kind of person who wants sex and love to be connected, and you had the bad luck of choosing partners who see that differently and didn't tell you. But whatever they did has absolutely no bearing on your worth as a person. If something they said made you feel that way, then they're assholes. You are invaluable.
- The best way to weed out the players from the real deal is to hold off on sex until you know what he's like and whether he means it. Players don't stick around.
But FIRST, work on yourself. You have to spend time with yourself for the rest of your life so you might as well make the best of it. Get therapy to deal with your self worth issues. (Seeking help does not mean you're helpless, it just means you could use some assistance to help solve a problem.)
Hope this helps a little. If you need someone to talk to, I'd be happy to. You can do that through a follow up or you can PM me if you wish.
...............................
A
female
reader, maverick494 +, writes (6 December 2014):
I would highly suggest to stop dating for now. Date yourself instead. That may sound stupid, but you need to get to know yourself and learn to enjoy spending time by yourself again.
All that stuff about two halves becoming one, blah blah is simply not true. You are already one. Relationships will not fix the cracks and the issues you have with yourself. If you hate yourself, if you feel worthless and cheap, then no man, no matter how loving, will be able to fix that. You have to fix it yourself.
You already seem to have a pretty fine tuned gut feeling. That voice in the back of your head that tells you that the guy you're dating is a player. You have to start listening to it more often. Don't settle for guys you know are bad for you because you're afraid you won't be able to get a better man. Trust me, there are better men out there. No straight woman would be able to have happy relationships if the male population consists of players and assholes.
Also, don't feel bad about past mistakes. You've made them. It's only bad if you don't learn from them. So do. Learn for example, that:
- In a relationship, all you can control is your own actions. Tell yourself this every time in a relationship you start to feel jealous.
- You cannot control his feelings or his love or lack of love for you.
- Throwing your body at him in an attempt to get him to stay, will NEVER work, because love cannot be bought and your body is not a currency.
- If a man tries to convince you he can only love you if you have sex with him, he's lying. Dump him immediately.
Also, very important:
- You are NOT dirty or cheap. Having sex, regardless of whether the person you did it with leaves afterwards or not, does not make you cheap. You're not an object, so stop seeing yourself as one. If you enjoyed the sex when it was taking place, then there's absolutely nothing wrong with that. Just make sure, that when you have sex in the future, you do it because you want to, not because you feel obligated. Treat yourself with care.
- You seem like the kind of person who wants sex and love to be connected, and you had the bad luck of choosing partners who see that differently and didn't tell you. But whatever they did has absolutely no bearing on your worth as a person. If something they said made you feel that way, then they're assholes. You are invaluable.
- The best way to weed out the players from the real deal is to hold off on sex until you know what he's like and whether he means it. Players don't stick around.
But FIRST, work on yourself. You have to spend time with yourself for the rest of your life so you might as well make the best of it. Get therapy to deal with your self worth issues. (Seeking help does not mean you're helpless, it just means you could use some assistance to help solve a problem.)
Hope this helps a little. If you need someone to talk to, I'd be happy to. You can do that through a follow up or you can PM me if you wish.
...............................
A
female
reader, Honeypie +, writes (6 December 2014):
 So WORK on yourself? Instead of being so (sorry) desperate to be in a relationship, find WAYS where you can FEEL GOOD about who you are and HAPPY with and IN yourself.
If you KNOW that you tend to have sex "too early" because you fear they would otherwise leave, then MAYBE it's more reason NOT to have sex early? Because that way you can WEED out the guy who aren't serious. IF they are ONLY really looking for some casual sex thing, they won't stick around and have non-sexual dates with you.
But first and foremost consider a counselor/therapist and find a way to work on yourself. You have a lot of issues that are connected to your perception of yourself and others.
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