A
female
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:I broke up with my boyfriend because he wasn't listening to me or taking my feelings seriously but he kept on trying to meet me and after 2 months I met him again. I told him it was just to talk about stuff, try and help him get clarity as he had so many questions about why I broke up with him etc.I didn't want to unblock him or have him round at my place even though he keeps asking for this as we are 'meant to be'.Well today I was asleep after working a night shift and he came round to my flat. Never been here before and I thought it would be the postman when I got up so was surprised to see him.He had a big bunch of flowers and a gift. I said I was asleep and he asked if he could come in. I felt really weird but I just let him in. Inside I was panicking and also I was still half asleep.He was asking about unblocking him again and I said no, as I don't want him putting stuff on my wall like before. He thinks I should trust him but I get a really bad feeling about it. I told him more of the reasons we're not compatible ie different values and different life goals. He turned down a job and stayed on the dole for 'us' as he could be nearer then.I am so busy with work, and I want someone else who is trying to achieve something, not drift along.Then he starts talking about all his goals, but I feel he is making them up to copy mine, because in the past he never mentioned any goals, in fact he said if he could stop work tomorrow he would.I've put it to him all the ways I know but he's convinced we are destined to be together.To make matters worse, I hate to admit it but we had sex. Then there are the flowers and the gift. I feel like I'm sucked right back in again. How can I break this pattern? I feel like my perceptions ate getting twisted and I'm not even sure what I want anymore.
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (5 December 2012): Ha! A speed bump! Thanks, I like that!
A
female
reader, AuntyEm +, writes (5 December 2012):
 It's really common to feel isolated after a relationship breaks down. After I divorced, I lost a lot of my married friends either because they didn't want to choose sides or felt threatened (like my divorce shame was going to infect them)...it's just the way people are.
I know you feel sad and confused but the bottom line is that you do not want to be in a relationship with this particular guy, so you have to accept that first of all (which you have). Then you have to unlearn old habits, like thinking of the good times, relenting in solitary moments, avoiding old haunts etc.
Then you have to focus on yourself for a while, make improvements or adjustments (which you have kinda done by moving)
Then you have to think about making new connections, or recontacting with close friends and family and people you trust and feel no pressure from.
Then after a while, you will be ready to move on to a new relationship, or start enjoying the single life to the full.
Your ex is nothing more than a wall that is blocking your path to recovery. He has served his purpose, the time you had with him has proved to you that he's not the one...your gut is telling you that, your whole experience with him is telling you that now it's time to shut the door and move on.
There are no what if's with this guy because he himself has shown you very clearly that he will not change who he is...he is expecting you to accept him (unhappily) with absolutely no hope of ever feeling progress could be made...it's time to drop the axe and sadly this task is usually left to the woman to do.
Ok so you succumbed to his charm because he forced his way back. What you are failing to see is that he has no intention to change his life, if he really loved you he would make moves to ensure you felt secure and happy with him...he isn't doing that is he?
He's a speed bump, a pile of dirt...a wall and you just have to get over him and get on with the rest of your life.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (5 December 2012): You know that you don't want to be with him, you don't even respect him and you don't feel that he respects you either. But since he's unwilling to accept that you don't want to be with him, you have to take the tougher route and completely cut him out of your life. At first he will persist in trying to make contact, you must not allow any contact at all, not even casual talking for any reason. Eventually he'll move on and lose interest, it may take him many months but eventually if you ignore him and NEVER return any of his calls he WILL eventually move on.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (5 December 2012): Yes I moved out of his place into a new place of my own. It was a real struggle to get away but I really felt like I was getting stronger. Now I feel my strength has gone. You're right, no-one else has come along. Even friendship wise, I let go of so many friends while we were together and I haven't made any new ones yet so I feel quite isolated.
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A
female
reader, AuntyEm +, writes (4 December 2012):
I thought it was a bit odd that you were in a relationship with him, yet he had never been to your flat??? or did you move after you split with him?
You have probably allowed yourself to be sucked back in because nobody better has come along yet...it's an easy mistake to make, especially when he's being so 'in your face', but I agree with Honey on this one...
You need to listen to your gut and tell him straight. So far you have just told him that you and he arn't compatible and he's ignoring that and hoping to win you over with minimal changes on his part...cos he don't wanna change.
Tell him 'I don't want to be with you...this is closure'
Then avoid Ex-Sex cos it's a mind fuck and nothing else.
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A
female
reader, Honeypie  +, writes (4 December 2012):
 Ok, so what DO you want really?
Seems to me you don't WANT to be with him, and if that is the case BLOCK him from your life 100%. Don't talk on the phone or text or e-mail and what not - STOP being so vague - just tell him FLAT out, I don't see a future with you and I really don't want to see you again.
IT DOESN'T matter how much HE wants it to work. Or how much he think you are "the one" Yeah, it's flattering that he thinks you are "destined to be together" - but obviously YOU don't. So start TRUSTING yourself to do what's right for YOU.
It seems like this guy has the gift of the gap. He can talk his way into your home and into your bed.. All he has to do is show up unexpected - so you guard is down and bring something. Flowers can not make up for the incompatibility!
TRUST your gut.
And STOP talking to him. DO not LET him in your home.
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