A
male
age
30-35,
*DJ101
writes:This isnt really a relationship question as such but the relationship aspect is part of a larger problem. this is probably going to be quite a long question im afraid.The problem is that ever since i left high school i feel like my life has been getting worse and worse. ive have been getting less and less friends (most have gone away to university and i didnt go), and the normal things my age group enjoy (partying, drinking, doing drugs etc) i dont enjoy at all. im not a party animal, i hate drugs and for some reason never liked alcohol. i just dont think i fit in anywhere in society. i feel like **** all the time, im bored and tense and i feel like im in a cage. to make matters worse the few remaining friends i have, for some reason never seem to go out and do things, and if they do they never seem to invite me along. thats what triggered me to ask this question. A female friend of mine continually gives me excuses whenever i say "oh would you like to come out tonight?" or whatever. all the time i get excuses fom her. Although recently i learned that she is attending my younger sisters birthday party, even though they dont really know each other. i mean i just cant get my head around it. i feel fairly sure that if i invited her to my birthday party i would get some other bull**** excuse. so why the **** is she choosing to hang out with my sister and not me? i just dont get it. it makes me feel so sad and lonely, as if nobody wants me, not even my friends.And this leads onto the relationship part of my problem, or should i say, lack of them. because of my hardly active social life, i havent been able to meet many other people, including girls. im 19, 20 in 4 months and ive never had a relationship with a girl, not even been kissed. only wierdos and loser have go that sort of statistic under their belts. only im not a wierdo or a loser. it just seems like NOTHING changes nothing comes along. this lack of realationships makes me really, really hurt inside and im so scared that one morning i'll wake up on my 40th birthday and still have not had a girlfriend.i really dont know what ive done to deserve this. its not like im anti social or anything, i know how to talk to people. i can be a bit shy at first but im sure loads of other people are too. i have a job, i dress well, im clean, and people tell me all the time how funny and handsome i am. so why cant i make it work for me? what is wrong with me? nobody seems to want to know me and it hurts so, so much. nowadays i just feel like a ghost, just floating around not being noticed by anybody. I dont really connect with many people at work. ive tried to find volunteer work to meet new people but nothing appeals to me. i just feel hollow inside ALL the time. sometimes i want to kill myself. its as if my life is over before its even begun. i dont really know why im typing this to be honest, perhaps just to see if other feel the same way, or if someone knows their is a light at the end of the tunnel. a forlorn hope i know. i know its up to ME to change this. i just feel like my life is out of my hands. perhaps the universe needs sad lonely people like me and theres nothing i can do, it was just fate. at least that how it feels to me right now. sorry for typing all this rubbish but i just need to get it all out.
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male
reader, MyDestiny  +, writes (27 November 2010):
 I'm sorry you feel like this. I wish I could help but the truth is, I'm going through exactly what you're going, maybe worse. The only difference is that I'm 16 and gay.
A
reader, anonymous, writes (27 November 2010): Look dude, I know exactly how you feel and understand what you are going through cause I'm going through it too, only I'm 2 years older and have been going through it for a while.
Basically, no one can give you any real physical right or wrong advice that's going to make this better. Most people on here who give advice have very "sensing" and "feeling" personalities, and will sense the negativity that comes from your post. I understand though that you're actually trying to explain a problem and your worries, and want a way to fix the path that you're going down. You aren't being negative or self pitying or anything. Don't worry about those responses.
You've got a few choices, but none of them are going to be easy. You can try to fight everything that you are and become something better. You can work out, practice being social, study pick up, and study dating women.
Or, you can understand and accept who you are, and keep developing the things you want in yourself.
The thing is, whatever your characteristics are, whatever your DNA is, your voice, your personality, posture, eyes, face, whatever, they may be seen as awkward or unacceptable to other people right now. Not everyone, just some people. I think a lot of people experience this awkwardness at some point. Things will change though. Women have all the power when they are young, but as they get older, the power shifts to men. Don't worry about being alone your whole life. 40 years old, you have to understand, is a hell of a long way away, and by 30, single women will be clinging to any single men they can still find.
Over the next few years, if you're anything like me, you will basically start numbing to everything. Rather than cry about how you are a reject, you will just feel numb or do things that numb your mind from thinking about it.
Once you make it through all this shit, you will be a man. Not being able to experience girls is one of the most emotionally painful experiences for a man, especially when you see those few guys who are lucky enough to get girls at a young age. You just need to be patient. Eventually you will find an opportunity, and you will be successful with a girl. When you do, it will be amazing. Just hold out and hope for that day. It may be 1 year or 10 years, but when it happens, you'll be happy.
I don't know what else to say except that I know it sucks being an adult, just hang on. I don't know why yet, why we should hang on, but that's really the only thing you can do.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (27 November 2010): Do me a favour and list all the qualities you mentioned in your post that people look for in friends and people to hang out with. Then list out all the qualities that people would say "woah, this is a bit much, better stay away"
Where in your life is the fun? Where's the laugh? Where's the excitement? What makes you think without those things people are going to spend time with you for any length of time?
You don't like to do anything fun, you don't drink or party, so what do you do to cut loose?
Read over your question again, pretend it's someone else. Would really want to hang out a person as negative, bitter, self-loathing, sad, lonely and depressed as that. You seem to hate everything and everyone including yourself. That's not the kind of person you would want to spend time with either is it? The thing is, this is not who you are, it's just an attitude, it's just negativity so profound that it is having a very bad effect on your life, you have to change that. It doesn't define you though, you just believe it does, you then act like it is you which makes you believe even more that you're right about yourself. Confusing but that's the cycle you are in.
You're going to get a lot of advice telling you to just go out and meet new people, join clubs, and things like that but frankly until you can change this defeatist and wholly negative attitude you have you're just going to be disappointed time and time again and you're only going to feel worse.
You need to go to a doctor and get referred to a shrink, see if you can get some help in the mental department. The fact you're so withdrawn means you can't just go out and make friends, the fact you don't like social activities involving lots of other people says to me there's a lot of pent up bitterness and sadness in you. You need to go get help, life isn't this hard man. It's not supposed to be anyway, there are plenty of people in this world that will gladly try and make you feel this way but when it's you that's doing it to yourself then something is seriously wrong. You're your own worst enemy because you believe all this negative crap about yourself so much that you're actually starting to act that way.
You need to find a way of finding the true value within yourself first before you can start to go out and create and maintain friendships, you have to go and start creating a proactive life doing fun things on your own and start being happy with yourself. You're far too needy of other people because you want them to validate you as a person but you really need to go and find yourself first.
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A
female
reader, SillyB +, writes (27 November 2010):
 This is part of angst created through change.
First, throw that thought of killing yourself out! Very silly and I promise you 5/10 years down the line when things are much better you, you'll look back and life and just see it as nothing more than a transition period.
Second, I think you are focusing too much on your social life. You need to make a few Quality friends over many so so friends. There are different types of friends - Quality friends who will always be there for you (very few people, maybe 1-3 people in a persons social circle), friends for activities (people that call up each other to do stuff with but who you cannot truly rely on), acquaintances (who you occasionally but truly are not that close )and satellite people (who come and go into your life depending on the situation, etc - eg, will come to a birthday party but not see you all year long).
You have to decide where each 'friend' you have sits and treat them accordingly. So, if you have a 'friend' who never shows up to things, put her into the 'acquaintance' category and invite her to only BIG events (going away party, birthday party,etc), but don't expect her to show up and don't take it personally - she's an 'acquaintance' and you shouldn't expect much from her. If you have a very close dependable friend (I've only found 3 people like this in my life and it took years!), then treat them with respect. Give back to them as much as they give to you. Treat them like GOLD because they are difficult to come by. Also remember, that here and there people do fail us. We do have selfish moments, so even a best friend can sometimes disappoint us. Just like you will disappoint others. Its just important to let them know how their actions made you feel and then get back to being great friends again. Also remember, that with age people smarten up and treat other people better. By your mid/late 20's it'll be easier to find quality people.
Third, you really need to focus on school. AT your age school is a great place to be...you have your whole life to work. So, if that means going to a trade school or taking courses to get into university, you need to do it. You are young and you should get an education. Life is hard without one. Your focus right now should be off of your social life and put on yourself- improving yourself and educating yourself!!!! Friends and social events should not be as important as working on yourself.
Hope this helps hun!
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A
female
reader, aunt honesty  +, writes (27 November 2010):
 First off you need to stop sulking in self pity because your life is not going to change if you keep doing that. If your friends dont invite you to hang out and keep making excuses not to hang out with you then they are obviously not good friends or they wouldnt be acting like this. And as far as relationships go, you are only 19 there is plenty of time for relationships but if you are not going out and meeting people then it is kind of impossible to start a relationship i would think. You need to start getting out and about and living your life. Join some clubs or organisations. Make friends that way. Do things that you are interested in. Always be friendly at work. As if you are feeling so horrible inside it shows on the outside and therefore people wont approach you as you are giving off a bad signal to them. So work on your confidence. Talk to new people every day hold your head up high and always keep a smile on your face. Ask your friends if they are planning a night out to let you know and go out with them you dont need drink or drugs to enjoy yourself. Goodluck.
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