A
female
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:I got married over two years ago and am still in love with my ex who is also married. My ex and I were together for over 3 years, I cheated on him one night after a lot of drinks. I went home and told him instantly since I felt so guilty and ashamed. He kicked me out and we broke up. I blacked out that part of my life and can't remember why I was unhappy or why I did that to him. All I remember is the butterflies in my stomach and the way he made me feel. We tried to see each other again but I couldn't forgive myself and I was so scared I would hurt him again since I couldn't understand why I did that to him in the first place. We have worked together ever since so I still see him a few times a month. It has been 5 years since we have broken up, and within that 5 years we have kissed or been flirty about 4 times. I cried to my husband (now) when my ex got engaged and cried the weekend he got married. In the past few months, I have been miserable in my own marriage. I feel like we have nothing in common and I feel like I am never going to make my husband happy. He gets annoyed with me way to easily and I just can't seem to get anything right with him. He has told me he isn't happy. We have tried therapy, but therapy can't change a person. It seems like I am the problem and therapy can't change how I am or act. The things that my husband gets annoyed at are the things my ex loved about me. I never want to leave my relationship cause I think the grass is greenier... I'm just trying to separate my feelings for my ex vs. the unhappiness with my husband. As a side note, my ex is also unhappy and has told me he has always loved me and it has never stopped. I just can't believe I am in this position and am not sure what I should do.
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Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
male
reader, jackfeel  +, writes (29 January 2011):
you were so honest, but your ex was not a man for you. i think he will never be an understanding and loving husband you dreamed him to be. just forget about him.
your husband loves you. unhappinnes will not end if you focus on your differences. try to meet halfway. tell him what you want. the same way ask his wants. you both might not agree instantly to each other. make a start, agree with him as much as you wish to make him happy.
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (3 December 2010): If u want to do the right thing by your hb and u want to be decent to him then do the only honorable thing and leave him. Tell him u are not in love with him and that he deserves better. Be honest about your affair . Do not waste your hbs life anymore.
Whether u leave your hb for your much married lover, becareful of your reputation as a serial cheater. You cheated your ex, now u are cheating your hb with your ex. Don't be surprised if you do not end up with your married lover.
Why don't u start looking at your behaviour and makes changes to change your life for yourself.
LoveGirl
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (28 November 2010): Thanks for the responses, I appreciate the honesty. What I meant with therapy is that, I am willing to work on the marriage and try to work on the things that makes my husband happy. The things that I can't change is me as a person... which sometimes I feel like I need to change who I am to make my husband happy.
I never would have thought divorce would have crossed my mind. But, my husband is a good, good man. I feel like he deserves someone that gives her whole heart and fulfills everything he wants and needs in a wife. For some reason, I am holding back and my whole heart isn't in this marriage. Having these feelings for my ex makes me think, is my husband the one? I just never thought someone should have these kind of feelings for someone else while being married. All these thoughts aren't because I want to leave my husband for my ex. It's more or less being fair to my husband and being honest with my feelings. He deserves the world and I feel like I can't give that to him. I don't know if I'm making sense in all this so I apologize.
Regarding my ex, no he doesn't have kids. And I wouldn't be leaving my husband to be with him as he is married. I don't want to be the one to screw up his marriage any more than it is. A divorce would only be because my heart is torn in different directions and my husband doesn't deserve that. He deserves a lot more than that.
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A
female
reader, FloridaCatGirl +, writes (27 November 2010):
 In your post, you said,"It seems like I am the problem and therapy can't change how I am or act." This tells me that you are unwilling to work on your issues because you don't have any interest in saving your marriage. Obviously, you never got over your ex. This is something you should have dealt with before you got married.
The first thing you need to do is make a decision regarding your marriage. If you want to give it a chance, you must cease all contact with your ex, and you have to make an effort to work on your problems. Honestly, I really don't see this happening.
If you choose to get divorced, you still need to accept the fact that your ex is married. He may be unhappy, but that doesn't mean he wants to leave his wife. Does he have children?
If your ex doesn't leave his wife, do you still want to get involved with him? Do you want to work on your marriage? And what do you honestly think you will decide to do?
Good luck!
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A
female
reader, aunt honesty  +, writes (27 November 2010):
 Well you need to stop comparing your ex to your husband as this alone causes alot of hassle. You need to write down what you love about your husband and why you married him and whenever you have doubts read the letter that you wrote. It seems to me that your husband is unhappy because he knows that you still love your ex and this is a hard thing to deal with. Show your love for your husband, do small things to make him feel secure and work hard on making the marriage work, spend quality time with him, tell him how much you love him.
Tell yourself that your ex is in the past and thats were he belongs you made a huge mistake with him and now you have to live with that, he is married now so accept that he is no longer yours that he is with another woman wether he is happy or not it shouldnt matter to you. Build your life with your husband.
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