A
male
age
30-35,
anonymous
writes:Okay, I met a girl through the internet about 5 months ago. We talked for days on end and when i met her in real life instantly i felt a connection with her. Ended up going to dinner with her the first night and then talking all night on her bed (nothing sexual happened). Next morning I wake up to find she's completely cold towards me. I get the train to go home and she tells me as she's a international student (she's Chinese) she'll be going back home in a month and doesn't want a relationship because it's not fair for both of us. Anyway, I start to get used to the fact we can't be together but, she calls me and says she misses me and wants me to go to hers now. I go there and she cooks dinner for me, asks me loads of questions and we end up having sex together. I told her I haven't got any condoms and she says 'I've never had unprotected sex before, so what do you want to do?. Stupidly I continued and had unprotected sex with her. The next day we begin our relationship together. She goes home to China at the end of that month but, comes back a month later and we live together for the next three months in a shared apartment. Everything's great and i'm really happy that I've found someone who i feel i truly love. Unfortunately some things have come out that have made it difficult for me to see a future with this girl. Firstly, the night after we first had sex together we told each other about our past relationships, I had two previous serious partners and two short term flings. She told me a boyfriend of four years in China and a asshole British guy who cheated on her and played mind games with her. She also kept telling me about a middle eastern guy who persistently pursued her but, she wasn't attracted to him at all and always ignored him. In the last month I've found out she went back to the British guy even though she knew he had a girlfriend.....also had unprotected sex with him at least twice. She told me he kept telling her he was going to leave his girlfriend because he really loved her instead. Eventually she saw the truth and left him but this was 4 months after she first broke up with him. She told me about that lie herself but the middle eastern guy I found the truth myself through her facebook account. Turns out she gave the middle eastern guy her number and they dated and had sex three times.....Then she cut him off and told him she didn't like him anymore. To this day he still tries to contact her through facebook. Just today i found a facebook message from a british guy she had previously told me was just a friend. The message says 'Baby, give me your address and phone number.....I'll be back soon. I miss you xx'. This was sent to her only a month before we met so i confronted her and she got really angry and told me they were just friends.....nothing else. Now I've found deleted Facebook posts where she's specifically saying how this guy upset her and cut off communication with her. All her friends commented saying you'll find a good guy soon.......To make it worse she sent a message to him saying how she really misses him on the same day she first contacted me through the dating site. Is it unrealistic to think she could have told me all this the first night we talked about our pasts?. She still looks at her exes Facebook profile "to see about their lives because I hate them".....really?. Also she now wants us to live in China together but, her parents don't know about me or any of her previous relationships. That i understood because of cultural traditions. But, when i pushed her to tell me....turns out they didn't even know about her Chinese boyfriend of four years!.So when I go there (meant to be next month) I'll have my own apartment and she'll come to mine only in the day....no sleepovers because of her father!. I worry that i'll go there and then be forced to stay as a secret until the 'perfect time' comes. I feel like my dream has turned into a nightmare:(. I really feel like I love her and I want it to work. But she hasn't been honest to me at all. She should have told me all these things at the start. I know the past relationships were a year ago but if she's lying to me about the 'friend' from a month before we met how do I know she didn't have unprotected sex with him only a week or two before me!. She still missed him the day she first contacted me through the dating site!. I feel like second best. She tells me she really loves me and we've actually lived together everyday for the last three months. I believe her but I don't feel like I can trust her to be honest with me. I know all of this is in the past.....nothing has happened since she met me but, how do I know there isn't more lies? .She's not the girl she told me she was. Anyone who's read this i thank you. If you could share your opinion, whether good or bad, I'd greatly appreciate it.....I don't know what to do....What would you do?
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broke up, condom, facebook, her ex, middle eastern, the internet, unprotected sex Reply to this Question
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Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
female
reader, k_c100 +, writes (4 February 2013):
 A lot of people join dating sits when they are still in the process of getting over someone, just because she sent a message to a guy she used to date to say she missed him doesnt mean anything happened. Often joining the dating site is part of the break up process, and moving onto someone new helps you to get over the person from the past. So meeting you will have helped her get over the ex she was still missing.
You need to make a choice now - she has done NOTHING wrong whilst in a relationship with you, apart from not tell you the full extent of her relationship history which she didnt have to tell you anyway. There is very little point in going through the past because it just creates pointless issues, when you meet someone new you should be enjoying the present and looking to the future, not wasting your time worrying about things that happened before you knew her.
So are you going to allow the past to mess things up? Or do you want a future with her?
I think your main issue here is not the past or her missing out detail of her relationship history (most people never come clean about their relationship history in full, there are some details that dont help new relationships progress so they are not worth talking about). Your main issue is moving to China and being a secret boyfriend. That is a HUGE problem, and you are more than likely to be left heartbroken and alone in a few months time when you are in China but she tells you that her dad wants her to be with someone Chinese and cant be with you anymore.
So the ONLY way you can go to China is if her parents know about you before you go and ideally if you have met them online (through Skype or something like that). You cannot live a secret life waiting in the hope that one day she wont have to hide you anymore. You are going to be alone in an unfamiliar country, with no friends and family, and a girlfriend you cant spend much time with. That is NOT an option, the only way you can go to China is if the relationship is public knowledge and you have her for full support in transitioning to your new life.
So make it very clear to her that you are not going to move to China unless she tells her parents about you and you get to meet them online first. If she refuses, dont go - simple as that.
A
male
reader, Kyle007  +, writes (4 February 2013):
You wrote:
I believe her but I don't feel like I can trust her to be honest with me.
Once the trust is gone, forget it.
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A
female
reader, oldbag +, writes (4 February 2013):
 Hi
First I can understand her views on her parents, if they are very traditional she will be the dutiful daughter and kept in the dark.She has invited you to go with her though and you will be introduced I take it? This is a good sign.
As for the other lies re relationships,I think she has just gone a little crazy because she is away from her parents.Their attitude is in her mind so she would try to play down her past to you.I also think she was very niaive when she arrived here.
I think she cares for you,you live together, if you think more may come out then talk to her. There seems to be alot of checking up on FB going on too, both you on her and her on Exs. it needs to be got out into the open so you can start to trust her more.
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