A
female
age
41-50,
*loworm4919
writes:Help. This might sound wrong and sinful of me but I don't know what to do or how to deal. I been having my routine pap smears, blood tests for STDs, and always a HPV test done since the birth of my son, 12 years. All tests have been negative HPV and normal cells on pap and no diseases on my bloodwork. I dated and slept with a married man for 10 years. The married man swore he was not sleeping with wife and only me, only wanted me, loved me, missing me and sex and sex with me only. And now after 9 1/2 years of sleeping with this married man he suddenly dumps me, without saying a word, never returns my emails/calls/texts and because I know he is married so who am I to question it any further and let him be on his own. Sad story, I loved him so much, and I thought he loved me but with his silent departure I figure he really never did care or he felt guilty of our relationship and decided to stick to his marriage and kids' lives. Months later I go in my routine obgyn exam and I tested abnormal pap smear and high risk HPV. I am so angry and upset and hurt. What can I assume? Could he have been sleeping around or his wife and he was actually sleeping with her and she probably did have her own affair or had HPV? What do I think? After he swore I was the only one and his wife didn't touch him etc... Help??? Do I confront him, do I tell her, what can be done...?
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affair, married man, std Reply to this Question
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Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (5 February 2013): Simple, you live a lie, you know he is a cheat (on his wife). So what do you think, really? A Cheat is a cheat, and ten years is a LOT of lying and cheating.
A
female
reader, Honeypie +, writes (4 February 2013):
 You could have gotten HVP from anyone you have ever had sexual contact with. HPV can be dormant for ages, even a decade. So exactly WHERE you got it from is almost impossible to figure out (unless you have only had ONE sexual partner).
As for your married lover... I think it was bound to happen at some point. He spend 10 years lying to his wife, do you think it's impossible that he lied to you too? I'm pretty sure he told you exactly what he thought YOU wanted to hear.
What can be done? Nothing. Unless of course you NEED and WANT more drama in your life. Confront him? What good would that do? Men can't get "tested" for carrying the HPV virus so it's not like you can tell him to go get tested. His wife might have normal PAPs now (like SVC explained) sometimes people can have the virus in them but it doesn't show up because it's either dormant or already cleared up in her body. The thing is.. YOU could really have gotten it from ANYONE you have had sex with.
Learn from this. Don't have affairs with married men, it will bite you in the ass.
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A
female
reader, So_Very_Confused +, writes (4 February 2013):
 I have had multiple PAP smears come back with "cells consistent with HPV" I've had two LEEP procedures over the year to remove these cells.
I've been told my multiple GYNS that MOST women in my age range (I'm in my 50s) have had HPV. over 80% to be honest.
My last two pap smears have been normal. I asked my doctor about this and he said: 'you probably had HPV previously and your body has cleared it' Apparently we can clear HPV on our own... it's a sexually transmitted disease but it's a bit different from others as using condoms won't protect you.
I've been told that just the fact that we have had multiple partners (and the pounding the cervix takes) puts us at risk. And the HPV came about YEARS after activity and during times that I was either monogamous or not sexually active at all to be honest.
Here's what the CDC says:
http://www.cdc.gov/std/hpv/stdfact-hpv.htm
Key points:
" Most people who become infected with HPV do not even know they have it."
"Most people with HPV do not develop symptoms or health problems from it. In 90% of cases, the body’s immune system clears HPV naturally within two years."
"A person can have HPV even if years have passed since he or she had sexual contact with an infected person. Most infected persons do not realize they are infected or that they are passing the virus on to a sex partner. It is also possible to get more than one type of HPV. "
So the issue is that your partners BEFORE YOUR MARRIED MAN MAY HAVE INFECTED YOU.
As for your married man, he lied to his wife, I'm sure he lied to you. he could have been sleeping with her or others... or maybe she was having affairs too... who knows...
what do you do?
as far as he is concerned and his wife... YOU DO NOTHING
as far as you are concerned.... if your doctor is properly aggressive he will want to remove those cells... you will need a day off of work and someone to drive you... get the LEEP procedure if it's warranted.
If you wish to discuss LEEP or HPV privately feel free to PM me.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (4 February 2013): He could have gotten anything from anyone. Please don't be so naive in believing someone who has been lying to his wife for who knows how long. And please don't be so naive in believing you were his one and only. More than likely there were other women he was involved with... exactly the same way. HPV can lay dormant for a very long time...its anyone's guess when you contracted something.I'm sorry you have fallen in love with someone who will never give you all of him, and I'm sorry you are unable to seek out a man who is unattached.Take care of your health first and foremost and perhaps you can go see someone professionally to find out why you have spent so many years living like you have. Best of luck to you.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (4 February 2013): Sorry that you have found yourself in this position. You were believing all the lies a married man was telling you - considering he was lying to his wife, who is to say he is not lying to you.Cheaters will say anything to get their object of their desire into bed - and unfortunately these lies are believed.Since he was cheating with you, theres no guarantee he wasnt playing the field and cheating with lots of other women.The sad part is that he had UNPROTECTED sex with other women so he SELFISHLY put his wife at risk of STI's.I would suggest you go and have a full panel of STI and HIV tests done.The sad part is that his wife [who is the innocent party in this] is probably positive for STI's.What should you do? Stop seeing this man - that is the most important thing. Should you tell his wife do so because it is now her health at risk. [Whatever you do, dont tell him you are going to do this as he will tell his wife you are a psycho bitch who wanted to have an affair with him, and who he turned down and now is seeking revenge].. If you do decide to go this route, make sure that you can prove anything you say to the wife. It will then be up to her as to what she does with the information.
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A
female
reader, Euphoric29  +, writes (4 February 2013):
Dear OP,This man lied to you. I don't know where he got the HPV from but it could have been from someone else than his wife. It doesn't really matter that much, because no matter how he got the HPV, no matter how he managed to infect you, he is a liar in one way or another. And he left you without a word, he never really committed to you and you've got a disease now and it's his fault.What you want to do depends on your strength and your need for clarification.First, I suggest you find out how to deal with your STD and recover for a bit. Take care of yourself.Then, you chose to either confront him or both. Telling the wife might seem a bit like revenge and she might get very angry at you. But if you only tell him, chances are he won't tell his wife and she will silently suffer from HPV without knowing. It wouldn't be your fault if that happened, but you could maybe prevent it and that would be a good thing to do.If you tell the wife, it might destroy the marriage. But maybe she has a right to know who she's been married to all the time.But that's really up to you. It's a difficult thing to decide and there's a lot of grey area. If you don't tell any of them and just accept his silent departure, he's just getting away with everything, without any consequences. It seems unfair to me.
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