A
female
age
51-59,
anonymous
writes:I've been in a serious relationship with someone I've known and have been friends with for many years. I know he loves me and I love him with all my heart but the problem is this.He is still close with his wife. Neither of us are legally divorced from our spouses but they have moved on as well. He has 2 children with her and to make things easier for the kids, they have continued to have a good relationship which I admire.I guess I'm feeling jealousy but he still wants to do things to please her. Drives her places she needs to go, spends holidays as a family, buys her gifts for holidays and birthdays, takes her to dinner with the kids(who are teenageres)etc. We have discussed it many times and I have said how I feel and he has told me his reasons for doing what he does. He is a very caring man so I put a lot of my insecurities on the back burner but it still bothers me. They have a past together and he was very much in love with her but left because he didn't feel the same love back. When they were together, I've seen the love between them and I can't get that out of my head. I don't know if I'm making things worse by feeling the way I do but I don't like the way I am feeling myself. I don't want to loose what we have but I also don't want to continue to feel this insecurity. I'm not sure what to do. We are very honest with each other and even though he reassures me that his heart is with me I still worry.
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (13 February 2011): I found myself in a similar situation 7 years ago. You need boundaries or you need to end it. He told you his marriage was over so he needs to act like it unless you are included in meals out, holidays etc. There is nothing wrong with being friends with the ex as I am with my ex and his wife, but that's the point really, his new wife is included in everything and in fact I spend more time chatting to her at family gatherings. The presents need to be from both of you as a couple and she needs to run her own errands. It was tough for me as my partner's ex is a manipulative, nasty piece of work who used the child to get her own way. He even took her out on her birthday! Things are better now as I have insisted all but activities related to the little boy stop but if I'm completely honest I wish I'd never got mixed up in it. Think long and hard before getting any further in and certainly don't buy a house together etc.
You end up feeling very angry. If you stay together you're treated like a spare part and if you leave you lose everything. Nice choice for someone who was just going along in life without a care in the world. I'm seeing a therapist so I can better understand how I got myself into this mess and why I still haven't left. It's proving to be very useful for me and it does help to have someone to talk things through with.
Hope this helps
A
female
reader, TexasTexas +, writes (12 February 2011):
He is still in love with her. If not, he would divorce her. There are many nice loyal men in the world. Wish him well and go get yourself a man who loves YOU.
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A
male
reader, justquestions +, writes (12 February 2011):
From what you are describing, he still has feelings for his wife. My advice is for both of you to complete your divorces before getting too serious. My guess is that he will find a reason not to do this. If he ends up not divorcing his wife, you will still be divorced from your ex and able to move on as he will have clearly made his choice. If he does divorce and you do as well, you should be fine to move forward together. He may have feelings for his ex forever. However, if he is a caring person as you say, this may just be the way he is and you will have to decide if you can live with it. Put him to the test first though and both of you work on completing your divorces first.
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