A
female
age
51-59,
anonymous
writes:I have been dating my boyfriend for almost six years and my daughter recently moved out to go to college and tends to come home in the weekends. There have been several occasions where my boyfriend has made comments about my daughter getting a job where she goes to school so that she doesn't come home. That has bothered my daughter and this weekend he said it again and made other mean comments to her and she was going to leave to go back to school because he hurt her. It's like he is making me choose between my daughter and him. I need to talk to him about this because hurting my daughter is disrespectful to her as well as to me. I'm not sure how to talk to him about this but it's out him becoming defensive.
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (28 February 2017): Is there even a question as to there being a choice between your own flesh and blood and some temporary "boyfriend??" I bet that poor girl is SO hurt that you didn't immediately (unquestioningly) come to her defense. As her mother, your home is HER home, whether or not "boyfriend" likes it. He knew you were a package deal from the get-go...right? Reinforce that with the ultimatum that he shut the f@#k up when it comes to your relationship with your DAUGHTER or get the f@#k out of your life!! Do it NOW before her feeling that you betrayed her testers and gets much worse or is compounded by another "episode." You can find another boyfriend. However she only has one mother. Act like it and defend her now and forever.
A
female
reader, aunt honesty  +, writes (27 February 2017):
 Honestly you need to stick up for your girl here. She must be feeling awful and very unloved at the moment. You as her mother need to start speaking up for her and making sure she knows that you want her. Honestly I would speak to your partner and let him know that this is totally unacceptable. Stand your ground before you lose your daughter.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (21 February 2017): The next time he makes a snide remark to your daughter show him the door.Show your daughter you will always have her back.I really hope in the past when he was being a d I c k to her at least you stood up for her.Sounds to me like he is trying to isolate you from your family. It does not matter if he has kids or not..No excuses.Is this how you want a man to treat your daughter? You are teaching her that this is normal and I assure you it is not.I think some therapy is in order to find out why your self esteem is so low that you would let any man verbally abuse your daughter.It is abuse and you know it in your heart.Put your child first and put her abuser to the curb...Be a mother and protect your child.
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A
female
reader, CindyCares  +, writes (21 February 2017):
 He is tryng to make him choose between him and your daughter ? Well, then, make him happy and choose : choose your daughter.
What a nerve. He is not even your husband , just a boyfriend,- he lives in your house, and gets to say how long and how often your DAUGHTER can visit ?. Absurd. Really not his place to say anything, and none of his business. ( Assuming, - but why should we assume the opposite,- that when she visits your daughter is polite, does not give you too much extra trouble extra work extra expenses, and is respectful of your quiet and privacy ).
He knew you had a daughter when you got together, and he should have kept that into account if his preferences go to women without any family ties and obligations.
Where you live is "mom's house ", and it will be ,in a way, tiyr child's house too ( again, within the limits of civility, common sense and mutual respect ) as long as she lives. She is your daughetr, she does not need your boyfriend 's pernission or invitation for coming to see you. Frankly, if I were the girl I would be livid .
Do not worry about him becoming defensive. Make it clear that this is not up for discussion, and that his comments may even be meant as jocular , or helpful, but in practice they are not, they can easily be misconstrued and create strife and bad feelings with the person you . I suppose, care most about in the whole world- as it punctually happened last time. So- in simple words, just tell him to knock it off already, because your daughter does not appreciate it She does not need a third party to regulate , approve or disapprove the time and mode of her interaction with her own mother.
Btw, I don't see why if your daughter finds a job in the place where she is living now, that should change anything ( unless she wants it to change ). She is already living there for study, and coming back most weekends- what difference does it make if she lives thare for work instead ? She still would have weekends ( or a couple of weekdays ) free, and she could still visit if she is so inclined. I am afraid though that if your boyfriend keeps up with his sassy comments, she will soon loose her inclination...
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (21 February 2017): Most urgently- talk to your daughter! Be clear with her that you don't agree with his comments and want her to come home whenever she's able to visit you. Quickly- before you lose her!
And tell her that you will address this your boyfriend, and that you'd chose her first a million times over!
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A
female
reader, Honeypie +, writes (20 February 2017):
 May I venture a guess that HE has no kids himself?
I think you need to sit him down and LAY down the rules of your HOUSE. (if the house is yours). That YOU LIKE her coming home on weekends and want her around. Let's face it, it won't be long before those days are over (I should hope).
I think you BF hopes in some misguided way that he is "helping" her become more independent.
And I have to ask, on the weekend when SHE is home, does YOUR life and free time revolve around her? IF it does, then you need to snip the apron strings. Doesn't mean she can't come home, but she is also OLD enough to NOT have to spend her weekends WITH you.
IT IS NOT up to him to decide WHAT your daughter does with her time as far as getting a job and where for her to get a job. And to be PERFECTLY honest, if a guy I was dating tried that with me, I would NOT be happy because I can't stand passive-aggressive manipulative people who are THAT petty.
Now It's hard to actually give you any other advice than TALK to him - because I feel like you are leaving out things here to make him seem more unreasonable.
I had my own place when I was in college but I often "tagged" along with my parents on weekend "getaways" I was INVITED and always welcome of course. Other weekends I might show up and they were gone lol - so I did my laundry and went home (they had a dryer I didn't)
I understand that HE feels she is now almost out of the house and thus no longer HIS responsibility - but I'm sorry to tell him... Kids are for life. One way or another.
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