A
female
age
30-35,
anonymous
writes:Hi there, i feel so lonely, i have no friends, i feel this is the only place i can turn to. i love my boyfriend so much it hurts! literlly! every time i even think about the lyrics in a love song i get teary eyed. any way we're having lots of trouble getting along. i'm 19 he's 25. he left his fiance and gave up alot to be with me. we also had to go through a really rough patch in the first few months of going out cuz the government fucked us around, he had a hernia surgery and we had no money and i couldn't find a job. we went without money for 2 months. had to live off rice and porridge. we had some of our biggest fights back then. we have everything in common and we were best friends before we got together but now we just can't go for 1 day without yelling at eachother and me ending up in tears. we've almost broken up like a million times and i hate that cuz i thought we were a strong couple who could get through anything together. i know he is my soulmate because when we do get along its unbelievable how close we are. when we are happy together it's like being in heaven and i feel so safe and happy in his arms and we lie on the bed and just gaze into eachothers eyes and tell one another how much we love them. we're unbreakable when we get along, but he's got a really short fuse and i'm emotional and get hurt easily by some of the things he says and that just starts it off. then there's no going back. we fight and argue and say hurtful things to eachother until 1 of us threatens to leave and then we sort it out but there's alot of blame and crying involved. i've tried going on prozac secretly so i would be happy and not get hurt so easily but he soon found out about it and blamed himself for "making me depressed" and now he doesn't trust me at all. i don't know what to do!!! i trust him, i love him and i care about him but i want him to be happy and he's not happy with me. but i can't bring myself to break up with him because he will be devastated and think that i was leaving him for another man or something!i just want him to be happy, and he's not. i've been selfish in the past and i've benn lazy but i'm trying to change. but alot of the time i seem to forget that and then go back to my old ways. i feel like such a horrible person. i feel like i've ruined his life. i don't know what to do. i've got no friends to turn to for help, my parents will just turn against him and protect me which i don't want. i feel so depressed. i've thought of suicide but thats the cowards way out. i can't stand this anymore, i love him too much to see him like this. he told me he never had to put up with this shit in his last relationship, he told me a few times before that he regrets being with me and misses his ex. please help, i just need a friend.
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reader, anonymous, writes (3 September 2009): WOW, some great input... can't even begin to add to that!
A
reader, anonymous, writes (2 September 2009): Hey, you got friends right here: ) Stress makes us attack the people closest to us and your are a victim of such a circumstance. He needs you to be there with him although he might not realise it. You got past the previous rough patch because u had each other, dón't forget that. Stay away from love songs and just talk to him. Be his shoulder and he'll be yours. You broke up a million times and made up a million times so yeah, you are strong couple. You have friends and he is your best one. Just talk G.Luck
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A
male
reader, softtouchmale2003  +, writes (2 September 2009):
 First of all both of you have some issues. The poverty has magnified and amplified them to the point where you are attacking each other, and at the same time attacking yourselves.
This is the painful part of a relationship. There will be some fighting and sometimes the fighting seems bitter and near irreconcilable.
Here's my 2 cents worth.
Your boyfriend seems to have sacrificed a great deal to be with you. This means you mean a great deal to him. He values you. Likewise, you love him dearly and become emotional because you can see a great deal of pain in him that you want to heal, but he's got anger issues. That means his short fuse makes it hard for you to help him.
In other words, while you are trying to help him, he explodes which makes you back off -- so he's being defensive towards you and uses anger to be defensive.
I gather he's not in favor of you drugging yourself with Prozac to make things right. And you should both be sober and learn how to be happy.
Here's the key:
1. Happiness is what you, yourself make it. You can't be happy unless you make yourself happy first. Think of the things that keep you calm and level headed. Not depressing things but things that you enjoy, thoughts and emotions that uplift you.
Ask him to do the same thing. Think positive thoughts. Ignore the circumstances of not having enough money or food just for a moment so that both of you can achieve some level of personal happiness.
2. Ask him to let you be calm and warm with him. Its a hard thing to do. Guys want women to be gentle with them, but they're deathly afraid to tell women that. You have to look him in the eye, be soft and caring. Ask him to be the same towards you.
Let go of the anger, put down the defenses and listen to each other.
3. As you said when you are in bed together, holding each other and gazing into each others' eyes, these are the gentle moments where the defenses are down. But they can be down in almost any instance other than in bed. When you have that emotional connection, then the anger is gone and you can talk to each other warmly.
4. This is the part of what makes you inseparable, unbreakable. This is WHY he is with you. This is WHY he sacrificed to be with you. And this is WHY you love him so much.
5. From there, just remember that every time he lowers his defenses about you, and lets you make that connection, the reward is the intimate contact of your minds and hearts working together towards a common goal.
Now as for the ex:
I think he says he misses his ex because he may have some "what if" doubts. What if he had stayed with her? Would he have been in a difficulty that he is in now? These are doubts that can never be resolved because he made the decision to be with you.
I can see that you are passionate as a couple. Its that passion that excites him, and at the same time tires him to no end.
What to do next:
Focus on each other. When anger starts to boil up, touch each other gently, let all the defensiveness down, and instead of fighting, be calm and try and work together.
Power struggles:
You and your boyfriend have strong wills. Though you may be a bit more emotional in some respects, he is emotional in others, mainly anger. Remember his anger isn't directed towards you, its directed at his own frustrations. This is a power struggle inside himself and its not against you, even though its directed towards you.
His anger is what's hurting him the most and its based on frustration. Frustration is fear in a nutshell.
Again, its a matter of letting him know he can fall right in front of you, emotionally, and you will be there to catch him, emotionally. The same has to be true for you so that you can trust he will be there for you too.
In conclusion, I think you two probably have a very loving relationship and it is being strained by stressers that can be controlled. Remember both of you are in control of your emotions, and both of you can work together.
Its that simple. It just takes some discipline and trust. If the two of you work and struggle together, then you will be unstoppable as a couple. Isn't that what its really about?
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