A
female
age
30-35,
anonymous
writes:I'm needing some advice on how to handle a new relationship situation which has honestly got me stumped.About 3 months ago I came out of an abusive long term gay relationship. The abuse was mostly emotional but there were tmes when it crossed into the physical. For the last few months of the relationship, I think I had started to check out in my head. I'd had enough. But getting up the balls to leave took time. During those last month I did not love my partner and had no desire to them whatsoever. Only one really close friend knows how bad the abuse was but outside of that, my friends and family think we were just not getting on anymore. I've implied there was issues with my ex trying to control and manipulate me but have never gone into details.After the break up my focus was very much on rebuilding my life. I wanted to find independent happiness. I moved closer to my family, i quit my job and am now beginning a new career based around what makes me happy - not what makes me the most money, and I'm in a much better place. I have not regretted the break up once and even when friends have told me that my ex is going around sleeping with x y z, I honestly haven't even felt sadness. I'm just glad to be out of it. I've focussed on getting my life back together and am finally starting to feel brand new. I'm happier, more positive and my health is doing really well due to less stress. Everyone is saying how calm I seem. About 3 weeks ago I met a woman. As soon as we met there was an attraction. It sounds cliche but I have never felt anything like it. It was just this pull. We started texting and discovered we have a lot in common. She's warm, caring, funny and most importantly makes me feel safe. We have been on endless outings together and have recently shared a kiss. We haven't slept together. I've told her about my last relationship and how my focus right now is rebuilding myself and she's fine with that and says she is happy just to enjoy my company but that shed be lying if she said she wasn't feeling really drawn to me. This is mutual on my end too. She gives me serious butterflies. We've spent entire days together just chatting and enjoying each other.I don't feel as though she is a rebound at all. I checked out of my old relationship long before it was over due to the abuse - I've moved on. I feel as though it may be something very special which, if it was to go slowly, I'd like to be part of with her. My concern is, other people are going to worry for me and think this is a rebound and I'm going to get hurt. i'm a big girl and I know what I'm doing. But not many people realise just how awful my last relationship was and how in reality it wasn't jet 3 months ago that it ended, but ended from the moment I decided I wasn't ok with the abuse. They think I'm still recovering, when really I feel like i've rebuilt myself from the ground up and am ready to explore a new relationship.How do I convince friends and family not to worry? This woman I'm seeing is the most respectful and well mannered person I have ever had near me. She's wonderful.
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reader, anonymous, writes (29 July 2014): Rebuilding ones self from the ground up is a very lengthy process. Three months' time isn't really quite enough to say you're done.
In fact, it took a life-time to get to where you used to be, while in your unfortunate relationship. It will take the rest of your life, to rebuild yourself. To rediscover who you are, and your full potential. Bear in-mind, growth is a daily process. You're all starry-eyed and on the verge of trying to get yourself into another relationship. You're trying to make an argument for yourself by coming here.
I commend you on being strong and finding your direction; but you have a long way to go before you decide to commit to a new relationship.
WiseOwlE is not being a wet-blanket, or taking the wind out of your sails. I want to help keep you focused. You had a long period of unhappiness. Someone completely opposite of the person you who has come along.
I stand to correct you, in agreement with your loved-ones.
yes, believe it or not, your feelings are on the rebound.
That's why you feel it's important to convince everyone they're not.
You are far too awestruck after such a short recovery period after a breakup. There is no "earned-time served" counting back retro-actively; when you first decided you didn't like your ex. So what took so long to get out of it?
That's the element that shakes your credibility. You're not strong enough to pull-out of a bad situation. You weren't married, she was just a girlfriend. You claim you stopped caring long before you left. Remember? When you suffer, people who love you suffer with you.
You said she made you feel safe. That isn't exactly what you need from someone else; that could cause emotional-dependency. You must feel safe within your own person, and sense your own confidence. Security starts from the inside, and works on the outside.
You don't really have to convince others; but they are right to caution you. They know that someone so young and impressionable, will be charmed by seemingly nice people far too quickly. Due to your inexperience with personality types;and the fact that you're yearning and eager for a healthy relationship. You just ending one and you're already dating. I know it takes a while to get over a relationship, good or bad. Exes comeback to haunt you because they may have unresolved issues. That's baggage.
You want to "right" what was "wrong" in your past. Thus the long detailed explanation of explaining how you've changed.
My dear, these are all preliminary-steps toward your recovery; and time is the healer. You still have residual trauma that has to work its way out of your system. You are going through the "out of sight, out of mind" period after a breakup.
The threat subsides when the perpetrator is no place around to reek havoc on your life. You've escaped, but you still have a few battle-scars you aren't aware of. They have a way of appearing at the most inopportune moments.
You are handling things well, as far as dating and enjoying someone. However; I fear your post is trying to say you're ready for you next relationship.
Of course, you've appropriately indicated you're taking your time. I don't fool easily. I know better. In your mind you are, but your actions and signal-responses to the other party may say otherwise. She knows just how eager you really are. You don't fool her either.
You actually need time to purge and reset your subconscious mind. That area of the thought-process doesn't always, or readily, tell you when it has recovered from grief. It will not confirm quickly, when you've healed from psychological-trauma. Or even physical trauma, until it is subjected to a similar uncomfortable situation. That's when you're tested.
Then you may have a relapse, or a flashback that can cause erratic responses you didn't expect. Even anxiety that you can't quite put your finger on. I share the same amount of resilience as you do, so I know how to spring-back. Yet even at my age, and level of experience; I had to learn that recovery from a breakup is like walking on a broken-leg after removing the cast.
All is well, until you put too much weight on it. This is where I caution you about falling too fast, and this is where your friends and family are chiming in.
Oh, I've personally gotten over a breakup from April 2013, and I'm dating also.
However; I am learning to pace myself. I met a wonderful guy early this spring. We hit it off from the start, but I'm not fooling myself into allowing my feelings to gush forward; because he is so nice to me. In a word, he is totally fabulous. If hew is right for me, and where this might lead? That is yet to be determined. We're both very nice to each other. We're just dating. It's supposed to be pleasant and euphoric. I've kept both feet on the ground,
and I've enjoyed every single moment of it!
I am making sure, that neediness and cravings are not setting the course and speed of how things go. I am allowing things to happen naturally. I've controlled allowing myself to see only his good points. I also evaluate his responses to discomfort, his patience, moods and, etc. I listen patiently to opinions and adjust to his quirks. I don't see anything perfect about him. I'm not perfect; so that part has already been worked-out.
I want to be on the same page. I want to be compatible just as a happy "dating-couple." I'm taking it day by day. I gave myself a year. I had a few dinner dates, went to a play, and attended some parties as a chaperone during that time. As should you. I used that for safe distraction from rebound desires. I sense from your description you are all but smitten. You tried to play it down; but you wrote your post for a reason.
You have to convince yourself that you are not being over zealous, over-charmed,and on the rebound.
That requires slowing things down to slow-motion. That allows the heart and mind to fall into synchronization. That is the point where I am now. The guy I met is sweet, and he is mature. He has many talents. I am making sure I am not just taken by all that is good; but allowing myself to evaluate him, and us, on every level.
Being older, I know these things. So does the guy I'm dating. He is cautious, but not cynical. Neither of us are jaded by the past. We neither glorify or idolize the other.
He is generous with compliments; but that is the type of man he is. He compliments servers, pretty ladies, his employees, and everyone who shows him courtesy. I really like that about him. He has good character. That doesn't mean I should start falling for him. We'll wait and see.
We see each other as fantastic people, and we're happy to know each other. There has been romance, but no sex at this point. There are more things we both are working on within ourselves; before we take the next step.
I hope you see what I'm getting at. Youth has less patience, and often views time as the enemy. Maturity will teach you that when it comes to new relationships, and healing from the effects of old-relationship trauma; you have to be void of all your baggage. Just because you feel good now, does not mean there aren't things below the surface. Just waiting to get out.
Date and enjoy the company. Give it a few months before you make any serious commitments. You can agree to see each other exclusively.
I caution you, because you didn't have the strength to get out of a bad relationship. That isn't a good sign, and that is what concerns everyone else around you. You may think they didn't know what you didn't tell them. They have their own eyes and brains. Everyone could see how you were changed and how you were effected by that relationship. You can't really hide such things.
A
female
reader, -BMBTL- +, writes (29 July 2014):
 Hi there! Firstly, you have been brave for stepping out of an 'unstable' or 'problematic' relationship, that takes courage, and a lot of people do stay in them because they're scared of being alone, or not having them around I guess. I do hope that you aren't 'scarred' by that abuse and I am sorry to hear that.You seem to have grasped the fact that you CAN move on, by changing your job and moving closer to your family etc. That's a good starting point. You sound like you've found yourself, and are able to feel less stressed, which ultimately will make you happier in yourself, and that will show to others around you also.How did you meet this new girl? I don't think it is too fast thereafter, however dependant on where you met her, e.g at a club or mutual friends etc, as gay relationships seem to run at a much faster rate, so the fact she seems to be going slow, is great. I presume you've been on 'dates' as you say you've been on outings, which to me, means that, maybe going to the cinema/park (as the weather has been great here!), is that what you mean?Your friends and family may think that it could be because you're lonely, or that you need someone, or they may be the opposite and be supportive. Are they very supportive?My advice is to not worry too much what they think, however things can change in a heartbeat, and you wouldn't want her to somehow, feel unwanted if you're not honest with your family/friends. If she wants to be with you and you wish that too, which you do, by the looks of things, then I guess that's YOUR choice, and your choice only. In life we have to do what's right, not necessarily what others may want us to do, moreover. If you feel it in your heart, and she is willing to stay with you through your 'rebuilding' then go for it. If you let me know the answers to the questions I've asked then I'll be happy to guide you further! :)
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A
female
reader, llifton  +, writes (29 July 2014):
 First of all, congratulations for having the strength to leave the relationship. Many people really struggle to find it within themselves to actually get away from an abusive partner. So that's great.
Second, it makes perfect sense that you were already checked out of the relationship mentally/emotionally long before you physically checked out and removed yourself. You'd finally just had enough.
It sounds like you're doing all the right things; focusing on yourself, learning to do what makes you happy, and learning to set proper boundaries for yourself. It sounds like you have your ducks in a row and now know what you will and won't put up with. And now you've met a lovely woman who you want to test the waters with. That's awesome.
You already told her you want to move slow, and she has agreed to do this (which in lesbian world, finding someone willing to move slow is like finding a needle in a haystack. I know). Just see where this goes and good luck.
As for your friends and family, all you have to do is tell them pretty much the same thing you said here, minus the abusive part, if you don't want them to know about that. Just tell them that you had been unhappy for a long time and that you had been emotionally checked out long before you split.
Realistically, I'm sure that you want to be able to explain it all to them, but keep in mind that it's not 100% their busibess anyway. What you do with your life is YOUR business. And you don't have to justify or explain yourself to anyone if you don't want to.
Best of luck.
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