A
female
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes:I met a guy online 5 months ago and we went on our first date after about 3 weeks of chatting. We had a great time and it was clear we got on well. Soon after our first date, he started calling me every night and we would speak for over an hour everyday. Quite soon he started to make statements which included "when we get married" which I thought was way too soon for him to be saying. We got into this routine of speaking on the phone every night but whenever I would ask him to meet up he would say he wasn't sure what he was doing during that week and so couldn't commit to anytime although he would tell me about other things he had planned and I couldn't understand why that was any different to making plans with me. We went for over a month before we eventually went out a second time. I would ask him several times why he didn't want to make plans with me and he would always say he did want to make plans with me despite the fact that he never asked and I was the one always asking. After our second date it was back to the same pattern as before. And it was again over a month before we went on our third date. 3 weeks after that. Seeing we were back to the same pattern I asked him what his intentions were with me as he called me everyday for an hour but never made time to see me. At first he have me a very cagey answer until he eventually said that he just wants us to be friends and isn't looking for a relationship which is the reason why he didn't want to meet up with me. I asked him why he didn't just tell me that 4 months back instead of leading me on and he said he was sorry but that's all in the past and would like us to be friends.I am hurt and confused about the situation and left asking myself how I allowed myself to get into this mess. I don't know if being friends with him is a good idea and I'm not really sure the best way to handle the situation. Any thoughts? Reply to this Question
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (30 July 2014): Thank you all so much for your responses, I should have seen all of this but I was just blind to what was going on. When he told me he just wanted to be friends, he couldn't understand why I refused to be available to speak to him on the phone everyday and didn't see anything wrong with the scenario. In hindsight, the signs were all there from early on. One of my first observations from our first date was that he wasn't a very good listener and I just shrugged that off. And during our phone conversations it was mostly always about him and never really about me.He also showed signs of being quite a flaky character ( never had a job for more than 6 months yet still manages to always convince interviewers to give him a job- he claimed to have never been rejected from an interview)And he was blatantly avoiding seeing me but I guess it didn't quite want to out 2 and 2 together. I realise that I don't actually have friends like that and certainly don't need those sort of friends and so I was inspired to delete all traces of him from my phone. Now I don't have his number anymore and can't contact him. I feel good about that
A
female
reader, hilary +, writes (30 July 2014):
 We cannot change the past but we can learn from it. The mistake you made was to always be available for him when he wanted those phone chats. I am sure there were other people out there he would ring and they were out having a good time or they had visitors and were too busy to sit and chat and keep him company when he was lonely or bored. So he fell back on you for those chats. The snag with this is that he then sees you as a prop, someone to lean on at those times, rather than a person with their own personality and needs. Every time he was bored or lonely you were dusted off for an hour. Just like a person with a headache takes an asparin and does not think about asparins when their headaches goes away. He also gets to be able to take you for granted as a convenience and assumes you have no life of your own, that you are just there to be fitted into his own life as and when it suits him.It has not come up in your original letter but I would also presume from what you have said that when he saw you he was hoping for sex quickly and when that did not go the way he wanted it to he lost interest and only wanted to speak to you on the phone or maybe try again eventually another time.The truth is he is a selfish man and a player who only wants to use other people to fulfill his own needs. You are well rid. He is not honest, he is shallow and you could never trust him.
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A
female
reader, Honeypie  +, writes (29 July 2014):
 My guess is he WAS seeing multiple girls or he REALLY wanted to like you more then he did, hence stringing you along.
I honestly think you dodged a bullet here. Going from wanting to marry you to meeh can't even bother making a date with you doesn't really SEEM like a guy who knows what he wants or how to treat a woman right.
If you don't want to be friends, then don't. You don't OWE him friendship or company over the phone when he is bored or doesn't have other girls lined up.
Personally, because you DID like him I'd just cut the contact. I'd let him know, why, and then simply cut it.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (29 July 2014): From all indications he was dating other people, while in contact with you. He was keeping his options open, and deciding who he liked most out of the people he was seeing.
Some people date online, so they'll always have a date on-hand.
You were nice, but he wasn't quite sure if he was really into you. Hitting it off on the phone, or online, is not the same as hitting it off in-person.
Chatting and having a great conversation without looking into another person's eyes, doesn't tap into the same emotions. It doesn't create the same mood or feelings, as when you actually go out with them.
Once he did that; he was able to decide if your personality is the type he was looking for. You are a very nice person,
but he didn't want to hurt your feelings. I agree that he strung you along. That is very common and rampant in online dating; because people realize they have so many others to choose from. I'm neither dismissing it, nor making any excuse for his treatment of you. It's the reality of it.
Dating online offers people a lot more choices and selection, than meeting people up-front. There is a lot less etiquette involved; because people can be a lot less polite to people they've never met; or met only a few times. There is anonymity, until you have the first meeting. Impressions may change in a real-life setting.
From now on, if you notice a guy isn't eager to see you; take that for what it's worth. He doesn't have to tell you anything. Just figure it out, if he doesn't seem anxious to spend his time with you. If you have to wonder when he wants to see you again, he probably doesn't. You can't wait to be with people you really like. You'll make room, even if you might have something else to do. Trust me, there is always time for a hot date!
Don't take it personally; because it doesn't necessarily mean you're not good enough, or pretty enough. Maybe he realized you weren't an easy pushover. He might have figured you less of a challenge, than you turned out to be.
It might mean he realizes you deserve someone better. I don't date online; because I need to see the goods up-close and personal. I need to evaluate personalities in real-time. I'm not one for surprises. Unless they come with birthday presents, or in a box from Tiffany's.
You haven't known him that long, so keep your dignity in-tact and shrug it off.
You know the wonderful qualities that you have, and now he has some idea.
They just may not be the qualities he's looking for; or he knows he can't measure-up to the kind of guy who truly deserves you. I got dumped for that reason.
The guy who dumped me is not one to bullsh*t around. If he said it, he meant it. He often asked, what did he do right to meet someone like me? We had a ball together. Yet, I still got dumped. I did discover some creepy stuff about him, but I liked him so much; I was in denial. In hindsight, he did me a favor.
I'm not telling you this to make you feel better. It's a fact. It's just that our egos will not easily allow us to see this for the discomfort brought on by rejection.
Rejection blinds us to everything, but disappointment and embarrassment. You can't see anything else, including the truth.
Remember these points, and you'll deal with the online bullsh*t a lot better. If you don't want to be friends; don't hesitate to delete his number and move on.
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A
female
reader, -BMBTL- +, writes (29 July 2014):
 He was far too intense and was probably just wanting something instead of having nothing in the beginning. When he realised that it was going to be real. E.g - Seeing each other in real life, he didn't like that and retreated.
Unfortunately, he has dragged you into his 'world' and it's upsetting for you because it was real to you and to him, it wasn't.
The best thing you can do is to meet people in person, as the 'online' world, really does has its downfalls!
Good luck!
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A
female
reader, StarryEyes101 +, writes (29 July 2014):
 Hi there. He sounds so keen, yet has no time at all to spend with you. I'm sorry but I think you should walk away from this one! I think he may already be taken. Don't be put off by this experience. They are not all bad :)
Good luck x
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A
male
reader, Mark1978 +, writes (29 July 2014):
 Hiya
Im sorry to hear of this situation but its very common with online dating. Im a strong advocate of Internet dating and met my previous partner through a well know free dating site. However the experience you describe is not uncommon.
On one hand he was talking (ridiculously so) about marriage, on the other he wasn't making the effort to see you enough. The relationship was going nowhere. To be honest I think you should have walked away much sooner as it was obvious, at least in hindsight, that he was avoiding you. Maybe he was seeing someone else or married? Either way move on is the best course of action now.
Mark
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