A
female
age
51-59,
anonymous
writes:My husband and I met when we were two years old; became inseparable best friends after that. We started dating when we were 14. We got married under our parents' permissions at 17.We had our first child that same year and both doing college and work full-time (obviously with a ton of help and support from our respective families).We had our second child when we were 19 and our third when we were 20. We both eventually received our Bachelor's degrees on time and then we got pregnant again. I had our fourth child when we were 22 and our fifth when we were 24. I've since gotten my tubes tied and he got a vasectomy.I know all of this seems surreal considering the ages I'm giving you but unfortunately it's all true. I do love my kids with all of my heart, more than my own life. I would literally die for them if I had to.My husband and I are now both 42, all of our children are grown (three already out of college) and our youngest is 18 and starting college in the Fall. My husband and I have been married 25 years... and I feel so stuck.He's a loving and caring man and I've only recently been getting these feelings. Not once have we lied to each other, cheated on each other, or betrayed each other in any way imaginable.We have been the best parents we could possibly be to our kids and only about four or five times have we actually fought throughout our marriage.I think it's the fact that I've never even really thought about being with another man. I've had 25 years of blissful marriage and a blessed life that the thought of being with someone other than my husband never occurred to me.Until now...I feel like I've missed out on so much life and all the experiences in college I could've had! I already had three kids before I got my Bachelor's degree! And was married for three years by then, too.I feel silly for ragging about this but I'm still curious as to how to get rid of this nagging feeling...Thanks.
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male
reader, CaringGuy  +, writes (7 June 2010):
I suspect you're feelig this way because huge change is upon you. Your kids are almost grown up and are fleeing the nest, so to speak. And for some time, your children and your husband have probably had your full attention. So it's natural that you should feel like you want to to do more. You've missed out on heavy drinking, perhaps a few sexual conquests. But you've also missed out on divorce, adultery and such. I think you've really done a damn good job. You don't give yourself nearly enough praise as you should.! Now, you've just reached a great place in your life. This is the moment for you and your husband to get back out there and live a little. Your youngest is about to start college, so start making plans to do things together as a couple again. Or maybe even do something for yourself, like a college course of your own or something like that. This is a great time to look back and be proud, but also to look forward and just live a little for yourself. Good luck!
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (7 June 2010): Hey, that's my story!! I 've been married for 26 years at the age of 17. Grown up kids, no college memories, only diapers and sleepless nights. The same wonderfull man, who i love very much and who loves me, no affairs, no heartbreaks, no fighting.After the youngest left for college these overwellming feelings of emptiness and missing something in life.... very familiar.... I even started thinking about some little adventures, like may be a little fling. All these thoughts destraught me greatly. I couldn't understand why. I talked to a proffesional, not a bad idea actually, or may be a had a great one.I was told that it's all natural process of us growing into another stage of life. Instead of fighting it we need to accept it and make the best of it ,and also take it as a blessing. Kids are grown, it's 2 of us, we can do whatever we always wanted to do.And this is how i changed my life, instead of having a fling or two. I signed up in local GYM, started studying forreign language, i am taking dance classes and made a bunch of friends there. We travel at least 4 times a year, visiting kids, but also taking one big trip just the 2 of us to Europe. We always have a lot of sex during those trips, who knows why...Really, you didn't miss out much from those college years. My oldest daughter finished college 2 years ago. She never took part in all those drunken parties, she can't stand any alcogol altogether. She travelled well...with us.. all over Europe. Then in her senior year she met someone, and they are still together, planning to get married next year. I think it depends on a person, how you picture your fun, and what you want to do for fun. What are college years, it's only 4 of them, comparing to the wholle life it's a very tiny short period of life. Judging by my kids it's well overrated and commercialized these days. I live in Florida, so we see all the college kids during spring breaks, how drunk they get and get sick all the time.The youth is wasted on young, i like that expression very much. Good luck to you.
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A
male
reader, daletom +, writes (7 June 2010):
Anonymous Female, I don't think you're ragging . . . but you should take a moment to evaluate who you are and where you are.
You and your husband have earned college degrees - raised 5 kids to be responsible adults - and lived out a quarter century of commitment and faithfulness that most couples can't even imagine.
You are YOU, not somebody else, and you can't live somebody else's life - and it's almost never a good idea to live somebody else's plan for YOUR life.
Actually, I'm experiencing something similar although I'm a guy who just turned 59 and I'm wondering what my wife & I might do when our 36th wedding anniversary comes around in a couple months. Our "baby" (a 6-ft 1-inch food processor) just finished his 3rd year of college.
What have you missed that I experienced? Well, when I was 42 I had 3 kids, 4 years to 13 years, at home . . . and I had been unemployed for over a year and a half. Oh . . . and I was in school, starting my third attempt at a Master's degree (Electrical Engineering) by taking one class at a time as we could afford it.
What kind of "college experiences" do you think you missed? Some stereotype of drunken orgies every weekend - the kind where your date looks back as you leave a party and she turns into a pillar of salt? Staying up most of the night to study for an exam . . . then sleeping through the first half of it? Scrounging change from your suitemates to see if there's enough for two pizzas and a pitcher of beer? (And wondering if the guy serving the beer will spot the fake ID?) Graduating with enough debt to buy a modest house . . . and no job?
To the extent that your finances allow, go back to school if you think you missed out on something! I learned something as an over-40 going back into the classroom after almost 20 years: school is DIFFERENT at that age! It's a strange feeling to look around and realize you're the oldest one in the room, including the poor guy behind the podium. (If you show even moderate intelligence there's a 50/50 chance that you actually intimidate him.) Your life experience may not apply directly to the subject, but it DOES count and will probably be highly respected.
As a 45-yr old grad student I had a lot of fun interacting with classmates 20 years younger than I was - and I learned a lot from them. OK, we were all "commuter students" and didn't have the experience of a residential dorm. (I HAD been a 4-year "dorm rat" as an undergrad, so I don't have an urge to find out what that's like.) But we still formed study groups, occasionally a social event, and shared coffee in the student union. I had a student ID card, so the university events like concert/lecture series, athletic events, student clubs and professional organizations (and reduced fares on subway and bus) were all available to me.
(In a few cases, you may find that you're even among your peers. I recently heard comments from university president, challenged by the fact that so many of his students were second-career and established-family students. The on-campus daycare was sitting empty while junior-high and high-school aged children of full-time, in-residence, students had few on-campus activities to keep them out of mischief while their parents were in class.)
The second point I want you to see is the value of your marriage. I could say something like, "Do you have any idea what statistical odds you've beaten, by marrying while still in High School and staying married for 25 years?". But I won't say that - because that in itself trivializes your accomplishment by reducing it to just a chance outcome. I don't think it was anything like chance that has kept you together. It's things like perseverance, integrity, commitment, mercy, and unselfishness. Don't dismiss those qualities!
This came home to me about the time my oldest son graduated from High School - and my wife and I had been married about 25 years. I was unemployed (again). We had some photos out, sorting through them either for his H.S. graduation celebration, or maybe his Eagle Scout reception. Some of his friends happened to see them. I overheard one boy say, after quickly glancing through the pictures, "Wow - you mean you've always had the same mom and dad?!?" He was astonished! The very idea of a child growing up in a stable family was, sadly, foreign to this young man.
So I have to agree with "SillyB" - You may have "missed out" on some things - but you have also done things that make others envy you. You can't go back and pick up exactly what you've "missed", but you CAN build on what you've done and use it to create an even more fulfilling experience than what you missed.
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A
female
reader, sweetiebabes  +, writes (7 June 2010):
 SillyB is right. Go out and spark your relationship again.
You are lucky to have a loving and supportive husband with you...
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (7 June 2010): You, madam, are truly blessed. You haven't missed anything that the newspaper does not usually print and who'd want that? If you feel this way now that your kids are all grown up start seeing hubby as that kid that you married and reinvent your precious relationship.
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A
female
reader, Gabrielle Stoker +, writes (7 June 2010):
 Hi - it's funny, because you've just painted the picture of a happy, fulfilled life and are asking if that isn't enough. I suppose mid-life crises are for everyone. You're still young and can probably enoy a lot of stuff together now (especially if you're financially secure) that you would not have if you'd been a young twenty-year old impecunious college kid. There's a lot more things to enjoy than the mythical 'casual college sex'.
By the way, would be interesting to know whether your husband has similar feelings and if he does, how would you react to that.
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A
female
reader, SillyB +, writes (7 June 2010):
 Realize that there are women out there your age, who took a different path & who have not found happiness. Women in their 30s/40s who were not lucky enough to find 'the one' to settle down with and have kids with. They have regrets themselves, I'm sure. There are also people in their 30s/40s who just now are starting to have kids - at your age have little 3 year olds and spend the rest of their adult lives caring for these children.
The great thing is, is that your kids are grown now. Time for you and your husband to live up the rest of your youth. No matter what happened in your 20's. Go travel, go to parties, go out with friends, take up hobbies, redecorate the house, buy new cars, educate yourselves....now you have the rest of your lives to be free and do what ever you want.
Sounds pretty great to me! Get out there and do things that are interesting, make you feel youthful & balance out these feelings :)
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