A
female
age
30-35,
*yedyedturtle
writes:I feel like I have to tip-toe on egg shells around my mother, and I have no idea what to do. I’m sorry this is so long. But I really need advice and I appreciate whoever takes the time to read this. My mother has always been rather hot-headed. I’m 21 now, and I remember her getting upset and yelling about rather trivial things even when I was rather small, around 5 or so. But my mother always came out of the “red,” so to speak, and everything went back to normal. It was never anything major. I just attributed it to her personality. In 2000, her mother died. My mom, only 33 at the time, went off the deep end. Understandably. She exhibited all of the signs of depression, but there was no talking to her. She never wanted to discuss anything. She always told us she was just grieving—even when a decent duration of time had passed—but we gave her the benefit of the doubt and just tried to support her as best as we could. About a year or so after my grandmother died, my mom began working. She had been a stay at home mom since myself and my sister were born. Everyone supported her decision to get out of the house and do whatever she wanted (work, find a hobby, meet up with friends). We wanted her to be happy. So, she got a job, but her personality began to drastically change. My mother was always a bit of a neat freak. With her and my father gone at work, this made my sister (7, at the time) and I (11) responsible for all the chores around the house, sometimes even dinner. There were certain things we had to get done before my Mom came home (my dad was working night shifts at the time and was gone). My mother would come home in horrible moods because she was tired and often hated her job. She would scream at my sister and I for the littlest of things: a set of shoes left by the backdoor by accident, our homework not completely done (even though we’re working on it and it just got delayed because of chores). Sometimes, she freaked out for absolutely no reason. And I really do mean screaming, yelling, calling us names, etc. She’d want to be left alone after her outbursts. Then, a few hours later, she’d retreat from her room, crying and apologizing. After a couple of years of this, I finally told my mom how she made me feel: worthless, lazy, stupid, scared. She finally admitted she hasn’t felt the same since her mom died and said she thought she was depressed. She finally was put on depression medication. She had to quit working because of stress. She stays home now. A couple years later, my mom was diagnosed with diabetes. This started a wave of other mental issues. My mom gained weight as she began to treat her diabetes and thus began to have self-image issues. She hates being overweight, but instead of eating right and exercising, she has been notorious for stopping her medication and insulin to drop weight. That aside, her mood swings have become more frequent and more drastic of the years. Her depression medication has been changed and the dose raised few times. Though, some of it can definitely be deemed a part of the diabetes. She often doesn’t manage her sugar properly. She was hospitalized just this summer for ketoacidosis. Lately, she seems to be controlling it okay, but I have stopped asking because it just starts arguments. Yes, even a friendly, “How’re you feeling today? Sugar okay?” can set her off into a rage. I don’t treat her like a child and ask after every meal. I really just want to generally check on her well-being and that sends her into the “red.” I’ve always tried to understand her illness and medications so I can help her. Though, she has made it abundantly clear as of lately that she doesn’t want help by telling you to not ask, to lay off, and to butt out. But then she will yell at you for not helping her. Every day, she complains about not feeling well. (And I’m not saying that she doesn’t.) But this consumes her. You can’t have a normal conversation with her without her interrupting and talking about something that is bothering her. Then she reverts into other unrelated things. Her thoughts often don’t seem very coherent, honestly. Here is an example conversation:Me: How was your day?Mom: Fine. How was yours?Me: It was pretty good. Mom: How were classes?Me: Good. I got an A on this pap---Mom: My back has been killing me all day. My stomach, too. I took a nap earlier. Then I checked my Facebook. I can’t believe so and so did blah blah……She also overreacts to medical ailments. For instance, she got bronchitis a few weeks ago. Firstly, she blames everyone for getting her ill. Yes, she will say, “It’s so and so’s fault for getting me sick.” She particularly enjoys blaming my boyfriend when he has not been over or has not been sick. Then, she jumps to a really extreme conclusion. With the bronchitis, she started saying she had COPD or maybe emphysema. We tell her that she just has bronchitis, even the doctor says so. And then an argument begins about how we think we know everything. Lately, the problems with my mother have grown so much worse. My mother’s father died in August of 2011. Her behavior has deeply worsened. Usually, she is a balance of pleasant and unpleasant. So, it makes it easier to shrug off the mood swings and say to yourself, “Hey, it’s not my fault. It’s her depression, diabetes, X, Y, Z, whatever.” Now, though, she is nearly entirely unpleasant. Every day, she acts miserably. She is only happy when playing on her iPad or when shopping. She no longer holds interesting conversations with us. She can’t stand listening to any of my family talk about their lives, accomplishments, or happiness. She reverts the conversation back to her and how she doesn’t feel good. But then yells at you when you try to discuss what’s going on with her and her health, or god forbid offer solutions. She sleeps a bit more than she used to. She is no longer a neat freak. Now, she isn’t dirty, but she just no longer cares about those things like she used to. I find myself noticing things that I never used to notice getting dirty. (I have no qualms helping out and doing my part; I’m simply noting the personality change). She gets angry about the dumbest things. She misremembers conversations and then tries to vilify the ones she is closest to. Even when she has three people telling her that someone never said what she is claiming, she refuses to admit she could possibly be wrong. Lately, she is incredibly manipulative towards me and is trying to get me to break up with my boyfriend. He is 22, works as a manager at McDonalds, and is about to graduate in spring with a BA in history. Then, he is starting a program to become a history teacher. He still lives at home, but hey so do I. He and I have had minor problems, but we’ve worked them out. Do I love that he works at McDonalds? Not particularly, I wish he could be working in something that is more applicable to his future career, but hey I don’t complain. It’s a job. He works hard, and he is in the process of saving up money for an apartment. He’s submitted an application to one. He is respectful to my parents. He has manners. I’m proud of him. I love him. We’ve been together for a year and a half. But my mother hates him. She hates his job. She says he is going nowhere in life. She thinks he is a loser. She says he is pushing her and I apart. She wants me to break up with him. She thinks he is going to be poor and doesn’t want that for me. She thinks he is immature and that I simply stay with him because I have a weight problem and no self-esteem. Yes, these words are verbatim from the mouth of my mother. I consistently tell her I am happy and that my staying with him is because I am in love, not because I am desperate. He doesn’t come over as much anymore. We go out a lot more just to avoid her. I rarely mention him in front of her. Even just a happy story with him included gets a roll of the eyes or a huff and a puff. I’ve told her I respect her feelings and that I’ll keep him away from her, but that she will not dictate who I date. She tells me it’s her house and she’ll do as she pleases. What prompted this need to talk about the issue of my mother happened Friday night. My sister wanted to play a game of Apples to Apples. So, we started playing. My mom was obviously not into it. A few minutes into the game, she makes a remark about her knee hurting. Then, she tells my dad to scratch her back while he is in the middle of his turn in the game. She constantly demands people to scratch and rub her back and interrupts sentences and conversations to make the demand. If you say no or don’t do it for long enough, you’re put on her enemy list. My family hates this behavior. But I’m having a good time playing the game and I smile and just chuckle at her asking that. I remark something about how she always wants her back scratched in the middle of stuff. I’m giggling. I’m smiling. So is everyone else. I say this in a friendly manner, just joking about how she is sometimes. I sound loving and pleasant. My sister and Dad comment a similar sentiment. Suddenly, my mom flies up off the couch, screaming about how we all are rude and mean. She can’t play a game for five minutes without being a sourpuss and interjecting about how everything in the world sucks and how she wants her back scratched, but we’re the rude ones for just trying to joke with her. This looks so trivial typing it up, but it sent my mom into a fit of rage. She held a grudge about this through Sunday. I never argued with her. I treated her nicely and waited for her to get over it. She stayed mad with my Dad as well. We’ve learned to ignore her.Last night, I asked my Dad if I could hang out with my boyfriend for a bit. He mentions it to my mom. She goes into a tirade about how I’m not allowed to have company because of the way I speak to her. So, I go downstairs and ask what I have done. You guessed it: the apples to apples game! I’m apparently rude, unappreciative, and a horrible person. I am mean to her. I do everything wrong. She mentions my boyfriend and how she hates him. I tell her that I wasn’t the only one who made jokes. So did my sister, but she has company over. My mother has no good response for that, as the night goes on she eventually says she never heard my sister say anything. She says that everyone thinks I’m wrong and rude. Finally, I burst and tell her that everyone finds her behavior ridiculous, but they don’t have the gumption to say it. She turns to my Dad. He admits to believing she is being a bit trivial. My mom then goes nuts. Screaming begins. She hates both of us. Apparently, I’m rude and disrespectful all the time, even though she can only cite the apples to apples incident. She starts accusing people of things they have never said, or begins misrepresenting conversations. She brings up my boyfriend several times and other unrelated instances. She tells my dad she wants a divorce. My dad tries to tell her to calm down. We both try to explain that we see she has been differently since my Grandpa died and that we think she needs support and help. We tell her it is perfectly okay to be having a difficult time, but that we want to help her through it because we see she is miserable. We give her reasons as to why we think this. We cite examples of her mood swings. She doesn’t care. She says it’s all us. Screaming commences some more. I cry that I’m no longer close to her. She says that it’s my fault. I’ve given up. I love my mom. I never mean to disrespect her, but I’m getting tired of being controlled and having to live in fear of what will upset her next. She isn’t the same person I used to know. Even when she was having difficulty after being diagnosed with diabetes, we were pretty close. I don’t know how to help her. Part of me wonders if I should just focus on myself. I’d move out, but I’m pretty financially dependent on my parents. I don’t know what to do. I miss my mom.
View related questions:
at work, depressed, divorce, facebook, grandmother, immature, lives at home, money, overweight Reply to this Question
Share |
Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (12 December 2012): hi OP, this is the second female anon, here again. One more thing about your father that I just thought about. You might want to suggest that he get some counseling to help himself deal with your mother. I know men are notoriously resistant to getting counseling but hey, he's already broken down once (and who knows how many times he has broken down in private when you're not there). Maybe a male therapist would be more agreeable to him. I bet their marriage is a highly toxic one, it's not good for him, I feel so sorry for him, he probably has wanted to leave her but was too afraid of it causing her to become even worse than she already is....? Anyway their marriage probably isn't doing any favors to her either because her untreated mental health issues make her unable to participate properly in any relationship let alone a marriage partnership.
they say that there is no such thing as a healthy family with one dysfunctional member. When one member of a family is dysfunctional, it makes EVERYONE else in the family messed up to some degree. I hope you and your family can get some help soon. good luck!
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (11 December 2012): Could you try suggesting bereavement counselling to your mother? Suggesting therapy for her behavior might only lead to more outbursts as she clearly doesnt see she has a problem. But if you could sensitively suggest bereavement counselling she might go for that and it would be a first step for her.
...............................
A
female
reader, Tyedyedturtle +, writes (11 December 2012):
Tyedyedturtle is verified as being by the original poster of the question Thank you to you both for answering me. I just appreciate having someone to empathize/sympathize with me so much. Just writing that all and getting this out helped in and of itself.
The second responder mentioned my Dad. I feel so bad for him, too. He loves my Mom a lot, but I can see this is wearing him down. He rarely cries, but he cried last night. It was pretty heart wrenching. He and I see eye to eye on this. But we're at a loss as to what to do.
I've started talking to my boyfriend about the moving out thing. We'll see where it goes.
Thank you both.
...............................
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (11 December 2012): I felt so sad while reading your post chronicling the gradual downward spiral of your mother. It's clear that she always had a mental illness of some form but whereas in the past it was milder, as the years have gone on and it remained untreated it got worse and worse especially when triggered by major life events like the death of her mother and diabetes diagnoses. this pattern is common for many mental illnesses. It could also be that when you were very young you simply did not have the observation skills and understanding that you do now to notice all the other things "wrong" with your mother so to your memory it seems that she was "better" in the past but maybe she actually wasn't.
It's clear that she needs mental health treatment. She may be suffering from bipolar or some other ailment. And yes it is extremely difficult for family and people who have to be around her.
I think the best you can do is to keep some distance from her so you don't get dragged down by her toxicity. if this causes her to go blaming you for being a bad daughter, so be it. She is suffering a lot, but you being in close proximity getting dragged down by her, doesn't mean she will suffer any less. She would be miserable with or without you there. I feel even more sorry for your father, to be honest. The relationship between spouses has more ties than the relationship between parents and children, so he is truly trapped with no hope of escape unless he divorces her.
If she won't get mental health treatment, then I think the only way to bring some balance to the relationship is to create as much distance as you need in order to tolerate her. If it means you hardly ever see her anymore, then so be it, if it means that when you DO see her you're more able to tolerate her because you're only around her once in a blue moon. You need to take care of your own mental health. Abuse when left unchecked gets passed on and around. Victims become so messed up that they unwittingly start mistreating other people eventually, or else they stay forever miserable. You don't want either to happen to you so you need to protect yourself from her toxicity so it doesn't affect you more than it already has or become long-lasting.
Yes you should look into moving out into your own apartment. Get roommates to split the cost of the rent and utilities.
...............................
A
reader, anonymous, writes (11 December 2012): It's clear you love your mom...but it's pretty clear she's not mentally stable.Becoming an adult isn't easy. It means to certain degree you've either got to grow a thick skin, ignore other peoples opinions, and take responsibility for your life. Your mother has clearly failed at doing that. But you sound well put together and I think you can do better.I can understand why you're sad for your mother and feel like you're responsible for her, but she sounds like a black hole that might suck all the energy right out of you. I have an elder sister with similar issues that I've more or less cut off. When I speak to her, I feel at times like I just have to treat her like a 5 year old. You just have to stay calm when she rants about how terrible you are and be generous when she wants attention...but you've also got to have limits. I'm 32 and as an adult I've decided, though I love her, I can't trust her. For my own sanity, I've got to keep a certain distance.If you can, live away from her. Like your boyfriend, try to save and set yourself a goal. It will make the meantime a bit more bearable. And though other aunts might disagree with me, it's time to learn how to lie to your parents. If you want to see your boyfriend, either learn to ignore her ranting or learn how to lie. he choice is up to you.Goodluck.
...............................
|
