A
female
age
30-35,
anonymous
writes:What do you do when you feel like your the only one who tries to solve arguments in your relationship? When the other knows your mad or upset and they don't bother to try to solve anything, and just leave the conversation at that. He's not a bad person, and I know he loves me with all his heart, but it's starting to get to me how much I care when I notice him upset, try calling, try solving the problem right on the spot, and he'll let me be upset and argue for days. Any advice would be greatly appreciated. Reply to this Question
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male
reader, Odds +, writes (19 November 2010):
 Depends on what you mean by "solving." In my experience, women believe solving means "talking about our feelings until she's satisfied." Guys mean "identifying what caused the fight and eliminating it." You could be an exception, so I'll just address each school of thought, rather than a gender.
If you're doing the first one, well, most guys are going to hate it. I don't blame him for ignoring it and trying to escape. I know that, to people who approach things this way, it seems only natural to talk about the feelings, but you have to do it in a way that doesn't feel like a trap to the other person. Some people solve bad feelings by moving past them, not by rehashing them.
If you're of the second school of thought, "Eliminate root cause," then he's probably worried you're going to identify some behavior of his that is wrong and ask him to change it. He may be worried that he'll have to make a bunch of promises, or just be browbeaten into agreeing to change.
In either case, you can fix it by asking him if the way you solve problems is not working for him, and if there's some change you can make that would make it easier for the two of you to resolve future arguments quickly and without getting too upset. Work with him, and be willing to accept criticism. It's not just problem solving, it's a trust exercise - he has to see that he can express himself without fear, and that being a good listener will pay off, too.
A
female
reader, Dorothy Dix  +, writes (19 November 2010):
Hi there. Anything he is upset or worried about, he probably just wants to solve the problem on his own. Men usually keep their feelings to themselves. They don't express their feelings very openly.
By your trying to solve his problems, it's probably making him angry and frustrated with you. No matter how many times you ask him what's wrong, he probably just won't say.
So just leave it. His problem, he has to work it out himself - you can't do it for him. Just give him some space instead. He'll appreciate it.
During arguments, just listen to what he says when he's upset, and that will be a clue as to what is truly worrying him. When you understand what he is talking about, then you can work towards resolving it. Then there'll be no more arguments.
Many arguments are caused by people making assumptions. One person says something that is not completely clear to the other person, and the other person doesn't get completely, what the other meant, so fills in the gaps with a few of their own assumptions. What would have been better, is to ask a couple of questions.
For instance, you could say - "When you said ......, what did you mean? I don't understand."
This is the opportunity for the person who made the statement to elaborate on it, to make himself more clear. Then the misunderstanding is no more.
To ask a question when you are not quite clear on something, shows him that you are interested enough to find out more, and that you care enough to ask in the first place.
If you ask him a question in future when you don't understand something he's said, he will also be encouraged to do the same. It will help you to become emotionally closer.
Believe me, it will prevent many arguments in future.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (19 November 2010): This is amazing, you're just like me. I have all of these emotions raging inside me and get really heated and want to see him, speak to him right away to solve everything and talk about it and he just ignores my requests and puts them off and tries to forget it and has no regard for my emotions, only his. I think he is very stubborn and has a lot to say but keeps it bottled up and wants to avoid the conflict, either because he KNOWS he is guilty or he doesn't wanna be upset, leaving you to be the one to be upset, because that leaves no work for him. Is he a stubborn person?
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