A
female
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes:i seriously don't know what to do. i feel like i'm losing my gf completely. i've been with her for about 8 months. within the last few days, things have gotten really hard. she's working on a lot of things in therapy and one of them is learning how to speak her mind and not be so passive. the other is to work on optimism. which i think is wonderful she's trying to better herself. with that being said, though, i feel like i've become her walking punching bag. she's learning how to express her mind and now all she's doing is berating me. or at least that's how it feels to me. she's constantly telling me things i'm doing wrong or that she doesn't like. it's literally all the time. i feel as though i can't do anything right anymore.just as one little example, i walked in to her apartment last night and she asked how my day at work was. i told her it was good. she then went on to talk about her day and talked for an extended period of time about it. i was really interested and listened. then the conversation naturally led back to something having to do with my work again. after me talking about work for literally two minutes tops, she interrupts and is like "can we please just talk about something other than your work. that's all we ever talk about." i do have a really stressful job and i'm sure i do talk about it for a bit after i get off work. but that's just my way of unwinding. and it's certainly a dramatization to say it's all we talk about. my mentality is that if not to my gf, who can i talk to about stressful things? she's who i go to. i'm not in a bad mood or bitching about it. i'm just doing what she does, and talking about my day and things that happened. anyway, things like this are happening constantly now. and it's really taking a toll because it feels like everywhere i turn, i'm doing something wrong. the things i talk about are irritating, i'm not being optimistic enough, etc.with this being said, we've had a lot of problems lately. i've been down on myself big time the last two or three days because of it and she can tell something is wrong. i've tried communicating to her that i feel rather beaten up and like i can't ever seem to make her happy. that all i'm hearing is negative things. her response is to get angry and frustrated, saying things like "look, i'm working on speaking my mind and communicating. if you'd rather have a passive gf then you need to look for someone else." which just makes me feel worse. today things finally came to a head. i told her again that i didn't feel happy with the way things were. we "exploded" (which is never an explosion because neither of us ever raises our voices) and got into it. she told me that she felt like i wasn't listening to the things she was communicating and that i was stiffling her progress by telling her she was berating me, and i told her i couldn't handle only hearing negative things i'm doing all the time. that i feel like i make her completely unhappy. after a while, we finally got to a decent place. i told her i don't want to hinder her progress and that i'd work on not getting my feelings hurt when she tells me the things i do that she doesn't like. she then said she wanted to be with me and she loved me and that we were just learning each other and how she was completely committed to us, etc. i felt a little better. well that was short-lived when she sent me a text about two hours later telling me she didn't think the beach trip we had planned for this tuesday was a good idea anymore. i was going to take her to the beach and pay for everything because her bday is coming up and it was my gift to her. i requested the time off and everything. she said she didn't want me to spend the money i work so hard for on her and that she wanted us to go when she could afford to split the cost with me. i said i respected her feelings on the matter and dropped it. now i have no idea what to think. why would she do that? it really hurt and i've felt like we could really use the time away to reconnect.i'm open to hearing that perhaps i'm wrong or that i'm being a jackass. i want to know what's going on here. any advice would help. please, i'm feeling really lost and confused and unsure of where to turn or what to think.
View related questions:
at work, money, period, text Reply to this Question
Share |
Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
female
reader, largentsgirl89 +, writes (29 May 2013):
 Being passive is one thing and just saying negative things all the time is another. She can learn to express herself and speak her mind in a positive way. In a way that isn't so destructive to the people around her. Especially you.
Instead of focusing on the negative, she should focus on the positive. Devote a set amount of time for each of you to vent about whatever you need to vent about and then leave it at that. This way you aren't stressing out your whole evening together with work related stress.
Your girlfriend is learning to speak her mind, but she needs to learn how to do it subtly, because what she is doing is considered verbal abuse and yes, women can verbally abuse their man. She needs to realize this, so she can work on fixing it.
If she isn't willing to do that, I would ask myself if it's worth sticking around to be treated this way.
A
reader, anonymous, writes (20 May 2013): I think what the two of u need is patience and support of one another. And it isn't an all good idea to use ur lover as ur therapist but a friend is good. Also try doing little random nice surprise things for her.
...............................
|
