A
male
age
36-40,
*ike2093
writes:I’m a 29 years old man and I’ve kind of a love problem. I’m gay and I’ve a boyfriend, he’s 25. We’re together a bit more than a year and I’ve to say it has been the best year of my life. He’s perfect, he’s that kind of person I’ve always wanted to meet. I’m happy with him. The only thing is that we haven’t had sex yet. I’ve a feeling that he doesn’t want me to touch him at all. I’ve tried several times to get close to him, but all of them failed. If I hug him, he hugs me back, but I can feel that he suddenly becomes so tense, almost as if a poisonous snake wrapped around him. If we’re sleeping together, he lets me hold him at first, but then he slowly slips out of my arms, probably when he thinks I’m asleep. At first I thought that he’s scared, because I’m his first boyfriend and because he’s unfamiliar with being in relationship. But now I feel that something is really wrong. He doesn’t even really kiss me. A fast smooch is best that I can get. Some weeks ago he stayed with me overnight. I tried to initiate sex, but he said that he's not ready and doesn’t want to do it. I asked what was the matter, he didn’t want to talk about it. That’s actually the worst thing – he doesn’t want to tell me what is wrong. He’s a wonderful guy, he’s sweet, caring, and I feel that he loves me, but when it comes to any physical contact, he runs away immediately. He always says he’s not ready for sex. I don't want to force him and I can accept and understand many things, but I think that after a year relationships should somehow move forward, shouldn’t they?
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (28 February 2013): There could be many reasons why he wont have sex. He might be having a sexual identity crisis, he might have a fear of rejection following intimacy. He might be with someone else for sex, he might be stringing you along for his own purposes with no intention of ever getting intimate. He might have suffered past abuse and intimacy triggers a repulsion/withdrawal response. The list is endless. Unfortunately because he refuses to discuss the matter with you, like you, we can only guess. By refusing intimacy or an explanation, he is being very unfair to you. Have you actually asked him if he finds the thought of intimacy with you disgusting? I am sure it is not that. But you need to hear it from him in order for you to be a little reassured. He owes you that much after a year together.So i would start there and explain how badly he is starting to make you feel and give him some idea of how much longer you can tolerate feeling this way about yourself. If he refuses to talk to you about it, you need to ask yourself how much longer you are willing to invest in this friendship. Because at the moment that is all he is really offering you.If he does not want to take things to the next stage with you, you need to be told sooner rather than later. I would have a frank chat with him and start the clock ticking on this relationship. He will either open up or flee. Either way will be better than living in limbo feeling as you do. All the best.
A
female
reader, Euphoric29  +, writes (28 February 2013):
Dear OP,
There are two options.. either he doesn't feel comfortable having sex with you in particular, or, what I think is more likely, he has some serious problems with intimacy.
The fear (?) of having sex and the feeling of not being ready, I think that won't really improve anymore if you both do nothing and just wait.
Of course, as usual, the best would be if you could sit down in a calm moment and if he could share his thoughts and feelings. But since he seems to avoid this, maybe you can change your behaviour first and see if that has any effect on him.
I read a book about couple therapy by David Schnarch, and he says there's this kind of "game" or vicious circle some couples have: One partner is always "chasing" the other, wanting more sex, love, attention - and the other partner is always "hiding", withdrawing and avoiding to give what is asked. So it's always push and pull.
He suggests to try and change the game: So the part who is always "chasing" should completely stop to do that. In other words: Don't initiate anything, don't ask anything, do the opposite of what you've been doing before. Not in an unfriendly way, just act differently.
Don't hug him first, don't initiate body contact, don't try to kiss him. See what happens. In a best case scenario, he will start to miss the closeness and start to initiate it or ask why you've changed.
I do have to warn you though, I've been the "chasing" part in my last relationship, I tried to stop all initiative, as Mr. Schnarch suggested, and had to find out that my partner, well, ex, was completely comfortable with that. But I still think the experiment is worth a try.
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A
female
reader, lmao1989  +, writes (27 February 2013):
 It is a difficult one to answer. I mean if you are his first boyfriend he's going to be afraid to get intimate it's all totally new to him.It isn't good that he's not opening up to tell you because this is going to cause you to get paranoid such as you sound you are starting too.He maybe worried also that you are more experienced than he is and you're older so he may worry that you're going to be disappointed by him when you guys do have sex this can cause a strain on him and make him not want to have sex.I think from what you've said he sounds like he's worrying about the relationship, he sounds like that perhaps he isn't quite ready for this to progress. Have you told him how it is making you feel? Maybe he doesn't realise and if you do tell him he'll start to open up to you because he may not want you to feel like that.
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A
female
reader, VSAddict +, writes (27 February 2013):
 Try to talk to him again and ask him what is keeping him at a distance from you. Tell him that it worries you and also hurts you that he can't be close with you physically. If he's unwilling to say why or he doesn't change after you've talked with him, you may want to start thinking about moving on. This problem can only get worse if it doesn't get fixed and you deserve to be happy.
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