A
female
age
41-50,
*ofija
writes:My boyfriend and I were at a birthday party at a house a few weeks ago. We met a mutual friend of one of the birthday girls for the first time, a female about our age. At first she seemed really nice and we were both chatting with her. Then throughout the course of the evening I slowly noticed that any time my boyfriend passed by her she would start a conversation with him and try to keep him engaged. She was being a total wallflower otherwise so it was clear that she was directing her attention at only him. I started to get a little pissed because it was clear she was flirting with him and she knew he is with me. We are always hugging, holding hands, kissing in public and we had been doing all that in front of her earlier. At the end of the night, while my boyfriend was taking photos of some friends, she posed with the most flirtatious smile by herself for a photo. I later asked him to delete the photo, told him my concerns and that I didn't want him to encourage her. She flirted with him without regard for our relationship and disrespected both of us. My boyfriend himself and other mutual friends had noticed that she was flirting with him. My boyfriend is a nice person so he found subtle ways to move away from the converstation without making things awkward for her and he totally wasn't flirting back. Anyhow I looked her up on Facebook the day after the party and was watching her profile for the next couple days because I just knew in my gut that she would try to friend him on FB. A couple days after the party another curious thing happened. Out of the blue my boyfriend hid his Facebook friends list. Another few days later I see by viewing her profile that they are now friends. So now this really bothers me because I am worried that he hid his friends list on purpose so that he could be her FB friend without my knowing. To counteract I friend requested her on FB hoping she would accept so I can keep and eye on things but also so I could feel better that she would not have anything to hide from me. She has so far ignored my request (and she does not know my boyfriend any more than she knows me so its not like one could say she is unsure about accepting my request because we are strangers). So this makes me feel like she is purposefully avoiding me because she is guilty about flirting with my boyfriend and wants to continue having contact with him in that way.I have not confronted my boyfriend yet about why he hid his friends list because I don't want to keep harping on him about how this girl's actions are bothering me. I will probably ask him about it after giving it some time. I already let him know her actions make me uncomfortable right after the party so I feel he should have respected that. I also think he doesn't think of being someone's friend on Facebook a big deal, which I agree with him on that point, but at the same time I just feel like he has encouraged her. I know her type, because I used to be like this girl many years ago when I was insecure and found it hard to talk to men. She is the type of girl that will go after any man that gives her the time of day regardless of his relationship status because she is insecure and his attention makes her feel worth something. I am 36 years old, and I am not insecure. I know it may seem that way to some people reading this but I am not insecure about myself. I guess this is all just eating at me because he is the love of my life and I want to protect this wonderful rare thing we have between us.Please someone tell me if I am being ridiculous or if I should confront him about all of this. We have a solid relationship. We have been together a year and a half but have never had a fight and we feel as in love with eachother as the day we met. I don't want to drag negative feelings like jealousy into our relationship which is why I hesitate to talk to him about it, but it really is bothering me.
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (28 February 2013): So very confused nails it again... My add on is much of the same theme .. Tackle this head on.. Stand your ground . If he is not prepared to delete her as a friend.. Then you need to prepare yourself for walking away as sweetie he is disrespecting you and your relationship . He is not dim nor stupid, he knows where this will lead .. Take care and keep us posted.. We care and like to know how your doing, even if you need to rant.. We will listen. X
A
female
reader, So_Very_Confused +, writes (28 February 2013):
 even if he did it to "make you jealous" or especially if he did it for that reason... this is not a good thing.
JEALOUSY is not an emotion based on love. A jealous man may or may not love you. What jealousy indicates is insecurity and lack of self-esteem (as would the lovely needing of the ego stroking from other women)
My last husband was like this... and I found out that he's NOT like this with his current wife. He feels more secure with her...
Relationships are complex they require effort but it's not rocket science...
you need to focus on WHAT he did... not try to figure out WHY he did it... that's on him.
WHAT he did was LIE TO YOU. he hid is friend list and he's friends with her now and does not want you to know for whatever reason. THAT is keeping things from you and sadly THAT has to be addressed before you can figure out if you even want to stay with this guy.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (28 February 2013): I guarantee you, they are doing something behind your back.
I can feel it in my bones. Probably best to write this relationship off. Good luck in the future, you sound like a nice person.
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A
male
reader, TrancedRhythmEar  +, writes (28 February 2013):
 If youre not insecure u wont lack the self confidence that u have more to offer than this woman thereby leaving the situation alone.
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A
female
reader, llifton +, writes (28 February 2013):
 honestly, it sounds like you have something to worry about.
him removing his friends list when he friended this woman wasn't a coinsidence. he did it so that you wouldn't know. in other words, he's being deceptive .. and also not very smart about it.
he knew that would be something you'd be upset about, and rightfully so. so rather than just doing the right thing - rejecting her friend request and telling you about it - he did it behind your back in a sneaky way.
i would honestly start to worry. seems your boyfriend isn't as honest as you think. i wouldn't be surprised if they had a few flirty messages in their inboxes, either.
not trying to put ideas in your head and make you paranoid, but i've dated lots of shitty people in my day. lol. you definitely need to get to the bottom of this. don't wait and get blind-sided.
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A
female
reader, sofija +, writes (28 February 2013):
sofija is verified as being by the original poster of the questionOh I totally agree with you that my issue is not with the woman. I am hurt that he accepted her request and that he hid his friends list. You're right I need to tell him to remove her. I was thinking about it but I wasn't sure if that was right or if I was being too controlling about it. And no, I have not bothered her one bit about any of this. She is totally clueless that I even knew they were flirting, unless him and her have been talking and he told her what I think.No I have never had issues with other females in the past. This is the first time. What's funny is he brings up a mutual friend we both have in our lives sometimes. He's jealous of my friend. Which is so ridiculous its laughable because this friend is the reason we met in the first place and this friend is totally in LOVE ready to propose to his girlfriend. And my boyfriend knows this yet he gets jealous that this friend texts me once in a blue moon and talks to me during the week on g-chat. ?? I almost wonder if he accepted this girl's FB request just to make me jealous. *sigh* why do people complicate things? Any male opinions on this out there? Would love a guy's point of view.
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A
female
reader, So_Very_Confused +, writes (28 February 2013):
Well it's interesting to me that he hid his friends list and then she's his friend.... I guess it's possible she sent him a friend request first and then before he accepted he hid is friends list. But if I say to you that maybe he hid his friend's list and then HE asked her to be facebook friends, will it matter? NO it won't.
either way he's being deceitful.
Now if she had tried this crap at the party and then friended him on facebook and he had NOT hid his profile and you saw it, you could watch her make a fool of herself.
The problem is, he's now hiding his friend's list from you and probably has her stuff set to private so no one sees it on his wall...
The thing is you don't trust him..... and clearly with good reason..... this is not about what she did. Yes she was disrespectful, but she owes YOU nothing.
The truth is, a man who is not interested in being unfaithful cannot be stolen. A man who is truly 100% committed to his woman will not put himself in situations that could compromise his relationship. Now in the case of my husband, he's so freaking clueless that I've had to tell him he was being hit on.... It was funny to watch the girls trying to flirt and realize they might have had more success with a chair... he just is so NOT in tune to women hitting on him.
Now if your bf had no intentions of doing something wrong... why did he hide his friend list? I would ask him... "hey babe I was just goofing off the other day and I noticed you hid your facebook friend list..." now if you want to be sneaky you could say "I don't know how to do that can you show me?" and that protects you from the "I don't know how that happened facebook must have done it for me" in which case you can say... "great let's un hide it so we can figure out how to hide it in case we ever want to do that"
IF he's got some guilt, at this point he will BLOW up at you and accuse you of not trusting him... (which you don't).
You should be honest and say "no I don't. so what shall we do about it?"
it probably will not resolve right then and there and it may get really ugly.....
Also you say "we love
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A
female
reader, Aunty BimBim  +, writes (28 February 2013):
 My response to you could be to copy much of what "You wish" has said.
I agree your issue here isnt with this woman but with your boyfriend. he accepted her friend's request AFTER knowing how you felt AND then he hid his list from you.
So yes, tell him either she is on your friend's or you are. No need for hysterics or tears or even loud words. Keep those inside where he can't use them against you. Be calm, and be prepared to back up your own words.
Give yourself a time limit but don't give him one, you should be aware of his computing habits, if he uses facebook regularly or only every few days. Once the time has passed that you believe he would have been online, if his friends list is still hidden and she is still on it, remove him from yours. And then remove him from your offline list as well.
Don't bother talking to this woman, her actions have no impact on your relationship, only his (and yours) do. His ego was stroked and he wasnt going to be told what to do by you, a woman! But if he respects you he will reopen his page and remove her name.
Good luck, I hope he does the right thing!
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A
female
reader, Ilha  +, writes (27 February 2013):
Dear OP,I do not think you are insecure. You have valid reasons for your worries.1. You claim to have a solid relationship. This means you should not have problems communicating with your bf. Tell him what you think in a rational and calm manner.2. You already told him your worries and dsiscomfort yet he still befriends her on FB and hid his friends' list? Some people will, it is only facebook. It is not ONLY facebook if he hides stuff from you suddenly. He must be enjoying her attention, feeling like he is still attractive to other girls besides you. But the fact he is doing that discreetly and hiding from you, tells me something isn't right. Ask him why he did that.3. In any relationship to be successful; communication, respect, trust and compromising are important ingredients. I am sure you have no problem communicating and compromising with him. But do you think he RESPECTS you? You told him what you think. His friends all saw what happened and agreed with your view. But he still befriended her on FB. So now do you TRUST him? When you worry about this girl's intentions means you are also afraid that your bf will or may reciprocate. Good luck my dear!!!
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A
female
reader, Lady in Love  +, writes (27 February 2013):
 OP, you are not being ridiculous in anyway believe me, you are simply being a woman! if you don't feel that you have to have your boyfriend only for your self your not normal!the effect of what ever you do lies in the way you do it! men are not as dramatic as us, don't think about the sequence of results of one action with a girl! on a nice dinner table , after an introduction of love and trust wrapped up with hugs and kisses , mention that you've friend requested the flirting woman, if he is friends with her he will tell you then, if he is hiding it from you , i think you'll know, and just in-case he asks he asked why did you FR her? say that it was because you felt guilty for accusing her and simply trying to get to know her better to now if your opinion in her was wrong or right!best luck
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A
female
reader, YouWish +, writes (27 February 2013):
 You are far from secure, either with yourself or with your relationship with your boyfriend. If you were, and your relationship were truly solid, the actions of this other woman wouldn't raise your blood pressure by one single bit.
Your issue isn't with her, but you want it to be so as to avoid your *true* issue. The actions of your boyfriend are all that matters here, and she could friend request the guy all she wanted, but the problem is that he accepted it after knowing how you felt about her, and after knowing full well that her interest in him is far from platonic.
Your boyfriend then hid his friend list, further demonstrating that his actions, not hers, are your real concern.
In his case, it's a battle of ego. He doesn't like being told what to do by you, and he's picking the battle with you. You have to decide whether or not you are okay with HIS ACCEPTING her friend request. I'm guessing you've had issues with other females who have given him attention in the past?
Ask him how he'd feel if a man had flirted with you all night at a party, noticed by him and your friends, and the next day you friended him on Facebook? I'm guessing when the table is turned, he wouldn't like it.
Tell him that she comes off of his Facebook, or you leave. Female friends are fine, but those two aren't friends, and her intentions are far from platonic.
You need to back up your words, because he's testing you. I'm certain that he has no actual intention of going for her, but this is his ego, again, saying "i'm not going to be whipped by this insecure woman who's henpecking me to death".
What better way to show your personal security than by telling him that she is off his Facebook, or you are. If you have to all of a sudden think "I can't live without him" and aren't willing to go to that level to show him that playing around with flirting women isn't tolerated, then he's lost respect for you. Respect is earned, and this other woman isn't your issue. Don't spend one millisecond telling her to get away from him. It's all him.
If he takes you up on that and leaves you, then your relationship wasn't 1/10th as solid as you thought it was. Don't even raise your voice to him. Calmly tell him that she isn't interested in being friends with him, and that like he wouldn't tolerate you friending a guy who was hitting on you all night, you don't tolerate it either.
Don't get hysterical, don't get loud, don't get emotional. Draw the line in the sand and prepare to act if he stiffens his neck and continues to pick the fight.
Trust me, if this guy wants to be an idiot, there are plenty of others who aren't that stupid and who would value you far too much to allow his ego to blind him of the fact.
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