A
female
age
,
anonymous
writes:I've been dating this gentleman for the last 5 years. I've come to realize that we will never have a future together. He has 5 children and three live with him. He's been coming over to my place every weekend(shares my home and food) and never brings anything over. He is a good person but I've been resenting him for some time because I feel that he has been using me. He's asked me to move in with him and his 3 kids but I keep saying No because I feel that I would become their Nanny. None of them do anything at home, on the other hand, I am known as a clean freak. Can you see where this is going? I care a lot for this man but I'm getting depressed that his kids come before me. I would understand if they were 9 or 10 years old but they are 22, 25 and 30. As long as he pays out what he pays out and I pay my rent and groceries and my half of the bill when we go out, there isn't much left for us to REALLY enjoy life. I'm not looking for someone to take care of me (financially) but I was hoping to meet someone who could share the expenses and hopefully enjoy life more than we are. Do you think it is fair for him to come over on weekends and not even offer to bring a bag of groceries. He is 13 years older than me and is retired. Let me also mention that he does bring in more per month than I do. I really have to question what has happened to men. I hear from my friends that this is the (norm) with men anymore. Like I said I'm not looking for a FREE ride, but I'm starting to feel that it would cost me LESS if I just hung around with my female friends at least I wouldn't be putting them up for the weekend and having to feed them. Can you see why I get depressed? Should I let him go and hopew that I haven't made a mistake by letting him go? I feel that I'm being made to PAY for his two ex wives mistakes. Any advice would be greatly appreciated.
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (10 January 2011): I think you need to work out what you want. His children are quite frankly adults now. If the two of your want a good relationship it needs to be based on a fairness that does not seem to be in place at the moment. Of course you don't want to move in with him and find yourself looking after 4 adults. Also, are you sticking with him for fear of being alone? It strikes me you need a bit of space from him so you can look at things more clearly.
A
female
reader, cat lady  +, writes (10 January 2011):
 Lady, if that man is of legal age and still has such bad manners as you describe, you shall NOT be able to teach him any now. If he has experience in a family household through two prior marriages, his FIRST consideration should have been that his 'lady love' is adequately provided for and there is no excuse for him not to have thought of it. It looks to me that you have already correctly judged your situation, to wit, you are being taken advantage of. He may certainly care for you, in his own way, but he's a boor and a barbarian. A nice lady like you can do MUCH better.In my own experience, no, this is not the norm for men; it hasn't got as bad as that - yet. (shudders) There is good upbringing and bad upbringing anywhere you go in the world and the signs are very much the same, in either men or women. Watch for that and know that by the time a person has reached adulthood, the die is set. You might be able to influence one acquired habit or two but not a fundamental defect in character.
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A
female
reader, pepper27  +, writes (10 January 2011):
 Hi Hunny
First why are you being made to pay for his ex wives mistakes? Where in you post does it say that his wives made terrible mistakes? It takes 2 to make a marriage work.
Have you ever said in conversation "hey hun bring some food with you tonight Im a bit low" Have you ever talked with him about your concerns?
Now children that are no longer children unfortunatly are still his children and from what I see in your post he has looked after the children brought them up maybe, Without spouse support? These are the things I feel you are leaving out here, And the children will always come first no matter what that is a good father. If he has been there for them all thier lives then they are blessed to have a wonderful father, Yes maybe its time they moved out but that is for the family to decide and maybe just maybe they are the only constant loving part of his life.
You are not happy, The only way to sort this all out is to sit and talk about how you feel sweetheart, Only by talking will this get better or help you make a final decision. He may not even realise that by not bringing anything with him but himself is annoying you so much, You have been doing this so long now that it second nature. Talk with him hunny and see how things go..Take care of you with love Mandy xxxx
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