A
female
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes:My boyfriend and I have been together for a year now. When his 8 year old son comes over he and his son sleep out in the living room. As of right now we only have a one bedroom place. His son gets to come over every other weekend.I feel bad but it bugs me that he doesn't sleep with me when he's over. I think my boyfriend does it because he doesn’t get to see him very much and his son doesn’t have his own room at our place so he feels bad and wants to sleep out there with him. Which, I want my boyfriend to feel the freedom to do that but then its hard for me because I then go to bed alone. Granted, its only one to two days out of the week and I get to see my boyfriend everyday and his son doesn’t. So then I feel bad for feeling that way. But then part of me is like ok he is also 8 years old, old enough to sleep out there by himself on the couch. I don’t know, I think its hard for me because I feel like the 3rd wheel when I’m with them. It’s not my Boyfriend, Me and his Son. Its my boyfriend, his son and then me. I have briefly tried to bring this up to him in a gentle way and he just got really upset. But when we were with my Dad growing up I knew we were with my Dad and his girlfriend (who eventually became his wife.) It wasn’t us kids, Dad and then her. But I do come second and that’s hard for me. I guess because I feel like it should be the other way around. Am I wrong in that? I don’t understand how it feels to be a parent because I’m not one yet. I love his son very much, we clicked right away but I do struggle with some of this stuff. And I don’t blame any of it on his son and I don’t want to ever compete with his son for his dad's attention. I don’t ever want to feel that way or be that kind of step parent to him. It’s my boyfriend I guess my issue is with lol Because, I’m like chopped liver when he’s over, i'm always in the background. So then I feel like why do I even need to be here. You guys can hang out here and I can go do my own thing. I tried bringing up that option to my boyfriend and he got upset about that too and made it seem like I dont want to spend time wth both of them.Are there any step parents out there that have gone through this and know how to get passed feeling this way and the best way to bring it up to your partner? Reply to this Question
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (12 February 2015): Thank you both for your input. It has really helped me. He is an amazing Dad, that's what I love most about him. I guess I feel guilty because right now we can't afford a 2 bedroom place where we live, so we had to get rid of things and get a one bedroom. So every time I see him sleeping on the couch or on the floor in the living room I feel guilty and wish our financial circumstance was different. Hearing how important it is for just him and his son to have bonding time together makes me happy to read because I want them to be able to just have time with each other. And then for the 3 of us to hang out together as well. This is what I needed to read this morning. Thank you both for your responses.
A
female
reader, Honeypie +, writes (12 February 2015):
 I'd suggest you GIVE your BF some space when he has his son coming over so they GET some father/son time - it's PRETTY important for both your BF and his son. Now you say your BF feels like if you DO that you don't want to be with him & the son, but YOU need some me-time too. So why not say hey I think next Saturday I'm going to go out with the girls and YOU and jr can have a father/son day. MAKE sure your BF understands that YOU too need to hang with friends and that you understand how IMPORTANT time with his son is.
YOU are a grown up, YOU can sleep JUST fine alone.
His son IS old enough to sleep alone too, but I think your BF is trying to cram in as much time with his son when he has him, as he can. THAT is a good dad.
I know you won't like to hear this... BUT his son comes first. OVER you. You are FULLY capable of taking care of yourself. HE is 8.
And consider looking for a 2 bedroom place?
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A
female
reader, Midnight Shadow  +, writes (12 February 2015):
 When you date a good father, their child comes first until they are no longer a child and/or are being outrageous, so it should be him and his son, then you - unless you find ways for it to be all three of you, like day trips, games, etc.
Yes, his son is old enough to sleep there alone, but he doesn't feel like he has a place at yours because, well, he doesn't. Your boyfriend probably sleeps there because he wants to make his son feel like he's welcome at your place, even though he has no space to call his own.
Some weekends you should let them be alone together, father and son bonding, but most weekends you should do things where all three of you can feel front and centre - together, not as individuals. If you can't be happy with that, at least for the next few years, or until his son has his own space at "dad's place", I don't think you should date a father.
I understand why you feel the way you do, but his son probably feels on the sidelines too because he's relegated to a sofa when he's with his dad and you get most of the time with him (the dad)....
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