A
male
age
30-35,
anonymous
writes:Hi, My name's Dirk, I'm going on 24 next week and I'm in a bit of a pickle.A bit of background story: I have a bad relationship with my parents, have had a decent if not awesome relationship with my girlfriend, Sarah for 4 years now (Sarah has anger management problems) and I started to work in an office about a month ago. I also moved out for a week in a place closer to work, but the landlord was broke and he was being irrational, making me pay for damages in the house etc. so I moved back with my parents.Basically, trying to keep this short. I have been in a happy relationship with Sarah for 4 years and we were planning on getting a place together and made big plans. A week into work, some girl colleagues of mine start being really friendly with me and one of them in particular, Nora I kind of developed a crush for. At first, this didn't affect me in the slightest, water under the bridge, just another girl I like. I was happy with my girlfriend and this Nora seems to be playing around with me a little: nothing I can't handle. I have never been or even dreamed of being unfaithful to my girlfriend (even though I had plenty of opportunities) up until this point, so hear me out. There are some people you just connect instantly, without knowing, you just feel good around that person. Nora is one of those people. Now, I was able to control myself, refrain from flirting and understand I have Sarah waiting for me after work. However, things started to develop between me and Nora.Me and Nora were thrown into the same work group, and being both new workers, we started spending the majority of the day together. Nora is blatantly flirting with me (even though she has a boyfriend she sees once a week) saying that she smiles when she sees me, asking me to kiss her goodbye on social events and just laughing at all the stupid things I say. I'm being completely honest, I LOVE it. So, being a faithful guy, I did not simply return the flirty comments with Nora, but instead, I tried to divert all my "energy" towards Sarah. From whom I got a very different reaction. She barely reacted to it, not a thing. Things went from sad to really bad, when I realized that Sarah barely spoke to me after work. Whenever I phoned her after work, she would have 0 interest in what happened and this made me very sad. When we had been a week not meeting up, she said she doesn't feel like kissing me. She used to do it before, but I only got aware of how bad things are now that Nora started flirting with me. I spoke to Sarah about how she needs to change her attitude if she wants to spend her life with me and she cried apologizing and saying she will be a better person and she will hear me out after work and respect me.Just two weeks after this heart-to-heart with Sarah, things are still looking a bit ugly with her, whilst things with Nora seem to be heading down a one-way road. I started getting palpitations when she speaks to me, liking little things like her smile, her laugh and enjoying being around her a little too much. She arouses me more than Sarah ever did. We also received news that Nora and I will be sharing a business trip to Spain to receive training from a company branch. The trip is going to last around 1 week. Things are starting to accelerate towards disaster. Right now, should Nora make a move on me, I wouldn't even try to resist.Meanwhile, Sarah is still her old, angry self. Not wanting to kiss me when she doesn't feel like, heck she didn't feel like having sex with me on the one time we had a house to ourselves! (opportunities like that are VERY VERY rare for us). I'm trying to discipline her, to make Sarah understand she shouldn't take me for granted, to make myself like Sarah more than I like Nora, to make Sarah understand that she is in danger of losing me after 4 years.I think of cheating as an aberration and it's strictly out of the question. But now I'm in this situation, and honestly? I think I'm speeding down that road faster than I think.I really don't want to hurt Sarah, I love her to bits, and her family has accepted me as one of their own by now. But on the other hand, I do not wish to spend the rest of my life with a girl who has no interest in talking to me, kissing me or having sex with me. I expect that when I arrive home to Sarah, she'd want to have sex without question, at least for the first few months. Right now, I almost have to annoy her into having sex with me. So, here is the situation folks: Nora obviously wants to develop our relationship further, whilst Sarah thinks she has her mind at rest that I'm going to stick around forever. I intend to stick around Sarah forever, but every inch of my body is telling me to date Nora. It's like my instincts say I'll be much happier with Nora than Sarah.The burning question: What the f*ck should I do? Is this happening because I started liking Nora or because Nora made me aware of how bad things in my relationship really were? I don't want my 4 year relationship to go down the drain like this because I started liking someone else, but I also don't want to spend my life with a girl who shows little interest in me. Also, dating Nora would mean her dumping her boyfriend and pushing a reset button with me, so it's a bit like starting over.Please help; I know it essentially boils down to my choice, but I desperately need some enlightenment. God bless your souls
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crush, flirt, has a boyfriend, kissing, move on, moved out, she has a boyfriend Reply to this Question
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Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
female
reader, YouWish  +, writes (12 February 2015):
 You have the GALL to "discipline" Sarah? You "annoy" her into having sex with you?? No wonder she's acting cold towards you. You're manipulative and cruel.
You also lie through your teeth:
In your OP, you said:
"Right now, should Nora make a move on me, I wouldn't even try to resist."
In your follow-up, you said:
"Could you please read that properly and not assume I'm just going to go have sex with Nora please?"
Do you really think emotional blackmail is going to work for long? That makes you weak and disloyal. You've been carrying on with Nora. You are already a cheater. Emotional affairs are just as bad, and you've been indulging the crush for far too long.
STOP JUSTIFYING yourself that this has anything to do with Sarah. It doesn't. You are trying to find the weak and lazy way out, that if Sarah doesn't show you the proper attention, you passive-aggressively get back at her by playing around with Nora.
And what does this mean for Nora, knowing that you're using her?? You think she'll just leave her boyfriend and hit "reset" for a guy who "doesn't give two shits" about her?
You do not deserve Sarah's attention, because you do not know how to treat a woman. Get out of your parents' house and stand on your own two feet for once. Your self-esteem is in the toilet.
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (12 February 2015): People come into your life for a reason, a season and a lifetime. Had you never met Nora, you would have never realized how bad things are with Sarah.
But here is where it gets complicated. I get that Sarah has her issues. And, realistically, so does everybody. But without even realizing it, you may be part of the problem too as to why your relationship with Sarah is not working. If you were to jump into a relationship with Nora, you are still bringing the old you into a new relationship. The old you who didn't take the time to learn from past mistakes, to grow and be enlightened. Because you are being hasty. And you are seeing all of Sarah's flaws and failing to see your own. Hoping that having that blind spot gives you justification to jump into something with Nora. If you did pursue Nora, you may end up coming into the same problems you had with Sarah at some point in time.
Haste makes waste. If Nora's attention made you realize that your relationship with Sarah is bad, then it is your priority to use this revelation to focus on your relationship with Sarah and figure out how to make it or how to break it. She is your girlfriend, not Nora. Your responsibility as a man and as a lover is to forget Nora for a minute and figure out what is in both you and Sarah's best interest. And not just look at your own best interest, here. That's selfish.
Good luck.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (12 February 2015): The grass isn't greener on the other side. You are in a 4 year relationship. Long term relationships take work, they won't be the same as a new flirty blossoming relationship. You have something deeper by that point. Something new is fun of course, you also barely know the person. You haven't had 4 years with them, you have had flirty chats at work. It inevitibilty will end up the same as your 4 year relationship if it even could last that long, which it probably wouldn't since this coworker is a cheater. She could be good for some fun but I wouldn't recommend seeking a serious relationship with her since she is clearly capable of cheating.
You can always do what you want of course, but dump your girlfriend first. There is NO excuse for cheating. EVER. If you want to see where it goes with the new girl that's fine. It probably won't have a future, but you are certainly free to try out whatever you wish with whomever you want, when you are single. You should never cheat. You know you have an interest in Nora, why not break up with your girlfriend and tell her you've met someone else if that's what you want to pursue? There is no reason why you should or would have to cheat, absolutely no excuse. If you choose to take that route it is your fault and yours alone. Nothing your girlfriend did or didn't do makes you a cheat, that is all on you.
Be a decent person. Think long and hard about your decision and then choose who you want to be with. Don't cheat on a faithful girlfriend of 4 years because you are too selfish to make a choice.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (12 February 2015): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionAnonymous poster,
Thank you, I agree. Your answer has put me on a better place. I wish I could show you how grateful I am for your input, after such harsh comments It's nice to see someone understand that I am really concerned about my relationship with Sarah.
I do have control over my actions, it's just very hard to resist the urge if I was in that situation, IF Sarah constantly shows no emotion towards me.
Thanks a lot, Lady Chatterly
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (11 February 2015): My reply doesn't seem to have posted, but HoneyPie and Youwish have got it nailed! :)
For f**k's sake break up with Sarah before that business trip, if you are so incapable of controlling your animalistic urges!
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A
female
reader, Honeypie +, writes (11 February 2015):
 I have to agree with YouWish
You are so full of it. It's your GF's FAULT that you feel attraction to another girl? Because you GF doesn't SUFFICIENTLY cater to you and your whims?
Let me guess, you have been telling her ALL about the "lovely" Nora to the point where you GF rather puke then hear more about this girl. Now you MAY not be aware of it, but women aren't stupid, neither is your GF. The reason your GF is pulling back is because you pulled away. You claim to not flirt with Nora, but seriously? A girl doesn't FULL on flirt if she isn't being engaged by the person she is flirting with.
My guess is you show as little interest in your GF as you GF now shows in you. THAT goes both ways. You have discovered how nice it it with the constant ego-stroking you are getting from Nora (which you undoubtedly got from your GF in the first phases of dating) and you therefore expect that your GF knows intuitively that you want her to put you up on a "ohmygawdmybfisawsome" pedestal too. Your GF can't read your mind.
You say you EXPECT the GF to give you sex on demand as you walk in the door?
And to quote you:
" I'm trying to discipline her, to make Sarah understand she shouldn't take me for granted"
WTF? What century do you live in?
Dump your GF, for HER sake. Sarah will initially be hurt, but hopefully her next BF will be one who can think with the head to the North and who doesn't think the universe and relationship is ALL about him.
And good luck with Nora.... you two deserve each other. And you won't last. Once she starts to see the real you... she will find another "target" to flirt with and you will be the cuckold BF.
Good grief!
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (11 February 2015): Wow...Just wow!Fair warning: I'm going to be a bit judgemental here!!But I do think you are in need of a bit of "tough love",so to speak.a) "Nora arouses you way more than Sarah"-no,my friend. She doesn't. It's just that she is NEW. The lethargy and the "I-know-every-nook-of-your-body-far-too-well" simply hasn't set in with Nora yet. Imagine it this way- imagine you've already been with Nora for 4years! Do you genuinely think that you'd feel the same way about her after 4years of sex with the same person? After living with them and knowing all their annoying little habits?I don't think so.Ok,let me put the question differently:do you REMEMBER how you first felt for Sarah? The first 6 months?Or even a year maybe? Euphoric, overly excited,everything about her was cute,everything was nice, everything was charming...Then you got to know her and it turned out she's just a person like you,having her own strengths and weaknesses. No one's perfect. You just DO NOT KNOW Nora's IMPERFECTIONS YET.b) You despise cheating? Great! What do you want? A tap on the back?Newsflash: so do most decent people!!!You don't want cheat? G-R-E-A-T! You don't know how fucking relieved I am to hear that (sarcasm-just in case I veiled it too thinly).If you really don't wanna cheat, the solution is simple: DO NOT! You have control over your actions!! Your emotions and attractions-nope, we don't control those, but our actions- THOSE we CONTROL FULLY!Don't wanna be an a-hole and a dirt bag? Great: then DO NOT CHEAT!c) I'll always remember this if I were you: "Cheating in real life is similar to cheating in school.The worst part is- you have to admit that you were not smart enough to figure it out by yourself." BE SMART!Figure out which one you want and what matters to you more (i.e. a future with this co-worker, though a workplace romance...well,there is another saying: "Don't shit where you eat.") OR a future with your gf of 4 years.d) You say you've had plenty of opportunities before? Are you quite sure about this?I'm not trying to offend you here-it's just that I genuinely don't believe many girls have come onto you or come onto you as strong as this one has.We women experience this on almost daily basis-I have had guys (annoyingly) try and chat me up on trains/buses etc., daily comments,some male "friends" wishing me "sexy dreams" etc and I'm not even that attractive. Since all my female friends have had similar experiences, it seems that anything with a skirt will do for some of the representatives of the male gender...What I'm saying is- we're used to the wanted/unwanted attention on a daily basis. You, on the other hand, are not (I mean,how many comments do you get per day about your ass???)So what does all that attention do? IT STOKES YOUR EGO-don't let your ego take over your moral compass.e) Of course your gf is not gonna act any different- you've been a constant in her life so far and I BET that you haven't actually told her anything about this girl or how tempted you feel.So she just acts normal-like she has so far in the relationship. The sex thing is not a red flag to me-maybe she was just not in the mood (it happens,ya know). BUT the kissing thing-that I'll investigate if I were you!!Why does she not wanna kiss you? (to me it sounds like some sorta resentment has built up at some point during the relationship and it's showing now)f)I'd recommend an HONEST heart-to-heart about EVERYTHING with your gf.things to discuss:-what does she want for the future (does that match with your vision?)-where do you two see each other in 5 years time?-if these things did not happen,but you were still together-will she be happy? (more rounded way of saying:will she be happy to be with you,no matter what happens in the future as life goals/desires/wants can change over time)etc.g) If you KNOW that you can NOT CONTROL YOURSELF (though honestly,I find that very off putting in a man-you are not an animal after all,I'm pretty sure you can control your urges should you wish to do so), but again if that's too much to ask of YOU- then DECIDE what YOU want BEFORE the god damn trip.Sincerely hoping you won't cheat,but not holding high hopes,Lady Chatterley
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (11 February 2015): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionCould you please read that properly and not assume I'm just going to go have sex with Nora please?
In reality, all I want to do is fix things with Sarah. I asked to see if it's worth fixing or if it's time to move on to a better place. Nora made me realize I am looking for affection from elsewhere, which is why I'm really worried.
I couldn't give 2 shits about Nora if it meant things will be OK with Sarah, I just want to do what's right.
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A
female
reader, YouWish +, writes (11 February 2015):
Let me give you a massive dose of reality, eh?
You think for a second that Nora would be good for you?? Look LONG AND HARD at how Nora is treating her boyfriend by her behavior with you. You're thinking with your penis and considering that if Nora made a move on you, you wouldn't try to resist? That would make both of you dirty cheaters and then you both would deserve each other.
If your relationship with Sarah isn't good, that's a TWO WAY street. You think she should just turn on and give you sex because someone else wants to use you for sex? How did your relationship get this way? Why is she angry at you? You live with your parents? What would change if you get with Nora? You'd still live with your parents. She would still have a boyfriend she's cheating on. In fact, nothing Sarah could possibly do would stop you from cheating on her with Nora.
Just because some other woman gives you attention and strokes your ego doesn't mean that there's a problem with the girl you have. In fact, that means YOU have the problem because you didn't stop her cold by telling her that you have a girlfriend and are not the least bit interested. You kept the door open. It's a natural pattern that you're going to start putting down your girlfriend to justify your interest in Nora. In reality, ever think that your problem with Sarah isn't that you're alienating affection from her by being disloyal to her in how you deal with Sarah, flirting with her and such?
You take yourself with you into any relationship. Sure, you could cheat with Nora, make Sarah cry because you're a jerk instead of breaking up with her because you want NOra, which is closer to the truth than lying and saying it's Sarah's fault you're thinking with your penis.
Break up with Sarah. Then you'll see what kind of mistake you're making...you'll never trust Nora because you know that she's a cheater, and you'll be replaced just like her current BF.
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