A
female
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes:I need some opinions on whether I should be worried about this behavior. I will keep it as brief as possible.My bf and I have been dating for a year and a half. The other night we had an argument. I was calmly speaking the entire time, I'm not one to raise my voice but can calmly say mean things when fighting if that makes sense. I had said I didn't believe him multiple times and called him a liar. He started getting louder and louder. I laughed, it is a nervous habit of mine when things get tense, he already knows I do this. This made him even more angry and he began almost screaming at me.This entire time I was sitting on the couch and didn't say another word once he started yelling. He went on for about a minute of just yelling at me. It seemed like a very long time when someone is just nonstop screaming at you. I think I did say he was acting like a psycho shortly before or early during the screaming. He then stormed off, threw something, then slammed a door and punched his punching bag for awhile in another room.I'm having a hard time moving past this. It is very unlike his personality to be abusive yet I find myself scared that he could be? I grew up in an abusive household, I never was able to handle when my dad would yell I would just cry instantly. Yet this guy is the exact opposite of an abuser. He isn't controlling in any way, never says a negative thing to me about myself, isnt jealous, he is always encouraging and complimentary and the first person to take blame for everything bad that happens. He also encourages me to do everything I want and only wants me to be happy.Something about the yelling really freaks me out and is sticking with me though. I'm not saying I'm a saint and don't deserve an argument or attitude, but it is over the top when I am actually scared... My dog went to hide under me when he started if that helps paint a picture any better. So is yelling not a big deal or is a huge red flag? In the year and a half I have known him, he had had 3 outbursts during arguments, this being the worst. We rarely have fights, it is just typical petty relationship disagreements usually. Thoughts?
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female
reader, Tisha-1 +, writes (12 February 2015):
 I read the question and your follow up.
Get the hell out of there.
Please do see that therapist whether you are with him or not. You say you grew up in an abusive household. Sorry to hear that. Have you worked through that with a qualified mental health professional? If not, time to start learning what is healthy and appropriate.
This is a toxic and unhealthy relationship and it would be be a really good idea to get away from it ASAP. You are in your 20s and have been dating for 18 months. The sooner you end the relationship and start working on the violence and trauma you describe, the sooner you can find a healthy and lasting love.
This one's not it. Sorry.
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reader, anonymous, writes (12 February 2015): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionAlso, how am I ignoring anyone's advice...? I am going to a counselor for my trust issues. I told him last night that yelling bothered me and I won't be able to deal with that. So, which advice am I not taking again...? I literally did and responded to everything that was said and asked of me to do. Rhetorical question btw. I won't be responding back to anything you have to say.
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reader, anonymous, writes (12 February 2015): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionWow, what? What is wrong with you? Did you even read my post? I blamed myself for my trust issues.. I asked the question saying how great he is hoping you all would say I'm overreacting to the yelling. I was hoping to hear it isn't a big deal. That was the point of the post. My update was to answer questions other aunts asked me. My intention was to give as much information and honesty as possible. You think I am pretending and lying and how I acted and what I said? For what? To win an imaginary game on an advice site with a bunch of strangers? I asked the question saying I feel scared about the yelling. I'm pretending to be a victim? One of the aunts said if it was more than yelling then it could be a red flag so I added what else has happened in the past.
You seem to be taking things that don't exist from I'm not sure where. I didn't say any of what you said. But to clarify for you... I don't want anyone to gang up on my boyfriend. I wanted to know if this behavior was something to be worried about for the future since I felt scared. I grew up in an abusive household, throwing and yelling terrifies me. I love him and hoped to hear he is perfectly normal and it will all be fine and I have nothing to worry about, everyone yells. I placed blame on myself more than once... I said I had trust issues.... I said what I did to cause this... I said I am no saint and deserve an argument or attitude in my original post. I wasn't sure if yelling was as over the top as it seemed. Yours was probably the worst, most misguided advice I have ever read WiseOwlE. You claim how I am acting and what I want and you are incorrect to say the least, and incredibly insulting. If I could block you from responding to my future posts for help I would, as you have given terrible advice in the past as well.
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reader, anonymous, writes (12 February 2015): Read your second post to yourself aloud. You will see that you pushed the situation into an argument, and then beyond that. You "couldn't let it go!" There is no defense for violence or screaming at a woman. You almost gave him an excuse; because you kept at it all day. Repeatedly calling him a liar over something utterly ridiculous!
For staring at a woman and not explaining why?
Here's a reason. He's a healthy young heterosexual-male in his twenties and he has eyes!!!
I don't think you're paying attention to anyone's advice.
You hoped we'd all pile up on your-side and confirm your boyfriend has anger-management issues. If you read your second post, anyone might lose their temper after the way you handled it. Not to the degree of screaming and such, but you were relentlessly pressing the issue.
You just wanted us all to confirm you as a victim, and to ostracize your boyfriend. I stand by everything I previously said; and add that your behavior was very immature, and you pushed him until he lost his temper.
I still don't believe you whisper when you're angry.
I do believe you used passive-aggressive tactics to push and badger your boyfriend until he lost his temper with you. You both behaved badly.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (12 February 2015): You both need individual therapy. And you don't seem compatible as a couple, mayber couples coundelling will help, but you're young, it might be better to leave him, and work on your control/jealousy issues before entering a new relationship.
He definitely needs anger management and to learn to respect other people.
I think you both need to be single and concentrate on your own issues for at least 6 months.
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reader, anonymous, writes (12 February 2015): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThanks for the answers. This particular fight I was not saying mean things to him, it is my typical way of fighting since I don't yell but I rarely do it to him. We had an argument earlier in the day when he was staring at a woman in public. He made up a lame excuse as to why he was staring at her so rudely and blatantly (he actually turned in his seat as she walked out the door). Normally I could let this go, but he has lied in the past so the lie really bothered me. I stewed on it for most of the day, he could tell I wasnt happy so he asked what was wrong. I said I didn't believe his excuse for looking at her. He was immediately defensive which set me off more thinking he was lying because that was what his response was in the past when he would lie.
He said he apologized so let it go. I said I just wanted an honest answer about why he was staring so hard, since he doesn't act like a chauvinistic rude male or anything ever. His reasoning was that she had a spray tan. I saw the woman too, she did not. He said just believe me, I said I can't. He got angry and said he was tired of not being trusted, he hasn't lied in over a year, etc. I said again that he is lying about this and I can't let it go, I know its stupid but I can't stand being lied to. And he went off.
The trust thing is an issue. We are going to see a therapist about it in a couple of weeks. I trust him not to do anything as bad as cheating but in the past he told a lot of fibs and small lies, and lied about speaking to a female friend he used to date who still liked him. I told him in the past I can't deal with lying, I am an honest person and expect the same, even if they are stupid lies. He said he would work really hard on it and has for a long time now. I recognize my lack of trust is a large problem of mine and I have been working on it, I had trust issues with past relationships that didn't include lying. I normally try to believe what he says and just try trusting him without saying anything or starting an argument, but this time I couldn't let it go.
He punched a wall in the past, threw my laptop cord in the yard, and broke a mirror. I told him last night I absolutely can't deal with the yelling and over the top anger and he said he will work on it and walk away from now on. I will also discuss this with the counselor.
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female
reader, Honeypie +, writes (11 February 2015):
 You antagonized and pushed him - he blew up.
YOU both behaved "bad" -which is not uncommon when people fight "dirty". People who fight CHOOSES to "fight" instead of communicate. It's kind of primal.
Even IF you were "sounding calm" you kept stabbing at him with the - liar -liar and then you added LAUGHING at him? (even if laughing is a "gut-reaction" for you, doesn't make it OK to do. )
He "could" have punched you, he went to punch the bag instead. (though I would not have liked the punching walls on the way to the bag - it is scary, it feels uncontrolled and it is.)
You both NEED to sit down and talk this through. And LEARN how to "fight" or disagree. If you feel so overwhelmed by anger, WALK away. Talk a 15 minute walk outside. Tell him:" I can't talk right now I'm really angry." That way you BOTH get a "time out" to think things over. To go over how you feel, WHY you feel that way, and WHAT you really WANT to convey.
Your behavior is as BIG of a red flag as his. Just because it wasn't loud or violent it WAS manipulative and you KNEW you would get a reaction, maybe not as BIG of a reaction as you got, but you KNEW he wouldn't just stand there and TAKE you "poking". NOR should he JUST stand there and "take" it because he is the guy.
Talk to him. Set limits not JUST for him, but for yourself. If the aggressive outburst are too much for you, then walk away (not for 15 minutes for for good). JUST don't make this all about him and his behavior.
I know the method you used (maybe not fully on purpose) I have used it as a kid/teen when dealing with bullies. I was bullied in school by some older kids then me. I would have specifically 1 boy (dumb big brute) wait for me on the path home from school, FAR enough away from the school ground to not get seen by teachers and he would try and beat me up. In class though I would mutter under my breath how stupid he was and more then once did he "explode" in class and got sent to the principle. I felt it was a fair trade for the bruises I got.
Now I'm NOT advocating violence, EVER. I'm NOT saying he was right to yell back. HE should have walked away from you WAY before he did. My guess is he didn't PLAN to go off on you any more then you planned to poke him till he saw red.
LEARN to communicate, LEARN to "fight" fair. And if you are BOTH so grrrrrr heated, take a time out then go back to discussing whatever it is. If either of you start to get "hot in the head" take another time out.
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reader, anonymous, writes (11 February 2015): Yelling freaks you out. So it's up to you to decide whether you can accept your boyfriend raising his voice at you. You can tell him how you feel about it, and how it frightens you. You will not find many people who don't lose their temper. Most people don't whisper when their angry.
Sometimes under-pressure or at the end of a bad day, people may overreact. This is the result of frazzled nerves. The temper is short when you're under a lot of tension; and if you've been holding back or internalizing anger over a long period of time. If this is not normal behavior; then take that into consideration. He knows it bothers you, but you went for the jugular; and that may have been the last straw.
Don't provoke people, then retreat to a corner after you've pushed them to their boiling-point.
Please don't say you kept your voice low; I don't believe that. You yelled too! You said he got angrier than he ever has? Well, news flash; you can push a person to the edge of their temper. If he isn't usually that angry, why did you keep repeating to him that he was a liar? Please don't pretend you don't have a temper of your own. All people do. There will be a point that someone can push you beyond composure. There are two-sides to every story.
There is no excuse for screaming and violent behavior.
A person who has to bottled it up; then gets pushed to the brink, will most likely lose it.
I have a huge problem with people hitting walls, throwing, and slamming things around. Now that is totally unacceptable. That kind of aggression is when you're out of control. People like that are potentially dangerous. At least your boyfriend backed-off, and worked of the anger by punching his punching bag. He should have done that before all the screaming and slamming things.
Those kind of violent reactions scare me too! I have yelled and I have lost my temper. I have lived a very long time without ever throwing anything or hitting anything.
You should discuss the violent behavior with him, and ask him never to "scream" at you again. Also make sure you don't provoke people then cower after you've antagonized them with insults and pushed every button to get them there.
You put yourself in danger by doing that.
The fact he got so angry that he hit and threw things, I'd say that is definitely a red-flag. Talk to him about it. Remind him in a very serious way of how that effects you and how it scares you. It is very important that you drive that point deep into his head.
Let him know in no uncertain terms that he has but one more time to lose control like that, and you will have to consider ending your relationship. You don't stick around to find-out how bad it gets. That's too much aggression toward a woman.
Don't provoke and insult people in a monotone or lowered voice. It will upset not just your boyfriend, but anyone you needle like that. That is also abusive, just a passive-aggressive way of doing the very same thing as someone yelling. You were deliberately trying to upset and insult your boyfriend; you purposely reduced your tone but turned up the heat on your words. That is meant to hit a sore nerve. Well, you succeeded.
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A
female
reader, YouWish +, writes (11 February 2015):
 Both of you need to work on your communication skills, to be honest. You may not have been yelling, but name calling over and over again (calling him a liar) is just as abusive as screaming, and calling him names and then laughing at him is passive-aggressive.
He did the right thing by leaving into another room to punch a punching bag. He didn't punch you.
And you aren't innocent here. Saying "I don't believe you" and then calling him a liar over and over? What was this fight about? Name-calling is hurtful. Would you rather if he called you something like "Dirty whore" in a normal voice? The contents of the words mean more than the tone in which they are spoken. Some people grow up in loud houses. This guy isn't your dad. My brother and his wife and their kids yell all the time...the volume level is just higher in the house. My house - very rarely do we raise our voices, but it can happen once in a great while, and my husband usually starts raising it. My mom had uncontrollable rage issues, and she would scream for what seemed like forever for something as simple as an improperly cleaned bathroom (she was a neat-freak/germaphobe), and she DID hit when she got mad.
Yelling AND name-calling can be red flags. Why did you call him a liar? Did you present the proof of an untruth he said to you? Why call him a liar over and over instead of saying something like "You told me that you went to the store, but your friend Greg brought home your car that you left at the bar because the bartender wouldn't let you drive".
Words can incite. Pointing out a lie (or lies) and offering proof of an untruth spoken is better than calling someone "Liar". Calling someone "Coward", saying something like "How can you call yourself a man" and other things spoken SPECIFICALLY to get a rise out of someone, and especially verbal abuse like bastard, liar, asshole, worthless, fool, idiot, stupid, and any other name that can either be yelled or spoken in a normal voice...those things are MEANT to rile someone.
In a sense, calling the guy a liar over and over again and saying over and over "I don't believe you"...what were you trying to accomplish, except to rile him?? He didn't hit you. In fact, he discharged his anger in a healthy way, by using a bag to cool off.
I think you should sit down to talk to him about what happened. And I think BOTH of you need to own up to how it went down. If he IS lying, you need evidence and a reason, because if he is a compulsive liar, then that's a red flag. However, accusing someone of being a liar just to get an edge up in an argument is really ridiculous. If he's not usually a liar, a lack of trust right off the bat and believing the worst about someone you love because of your trust issues can destroy relationships and cause deep resentment.
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