A
female
age
30-35,
anonymous
writes:Hello. I asked for advice on March 17th, I think it was, under the title of "Why am I the family villain?".{Moderator note: http://www.dearcupid.org/question/how-did-i-become-the-family-villian.html} I was spanked as a child for something I did not do, moved out and in with my father, and had not spoken to my mother for years over her mistake.I moved back to my hometown and initiated a reconciliation with my mother. At first things were great, but I am now sensing repressed hostility coming from my mother. She will tell my sister not to do anything wrong or they may not see me for ten years. She hates it when I talk about anything from my miserable teenage years, telling me it didn't have to be that way. The original mistake was hers and I have forgiven it, but we seem to have regressed. Any thought?
View related questions:
moved out Reply to this Question
Share |
Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (5 October 2015): A lot of unanswered questions. Did you leave your younger sister home alone? Were you both home alone? Was there an aunt or grandparent there? Did you stay out too late? Was it dark when you got home? Had your parents recently divorced? Was the stress of single parenting new to your mom? What sort of explanation did you receive? Was there any dialogue or discussion? Did your mom simply refuse to search for the letter you wrote? Do you think your mother was out of control and was excessive? Since these situations could have been counted on one hand and were so rare, could you have let it pass? Did your mom refuse to apologize and take blame? Why not amend household rules so this never happens again? Since your mom was otherwise so loving and nurturing, why live with a dad who seems so demanding? I would have taken a spanking every year or two, even in error, rather than being chewed out for making a B. Your mom is feeling the weight of precious time lost and experiences that she missed.The elephant in the room may be that you only accepted apologies but never offered one. The crying and screaming your mother did for you the day you were born tops any pain you felt being spanked. You are strangers bonded by genetics, but years removed from any good memories. Give it time and really DO forgive.
A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (5 October 2015): i guess mum tried really hard and she was probably ridiculously proud of you being her first born , but when this incident happened she knew she freaked out in panic and beat you too hard and didnt even listen to you or believe you. Then when the note turned up she felt even more guilty knowing that she had taken your trust from you and as a child who has been in your situation would cry from the unfairness of it all as well as the broken trust she woukd have maybe hardened her heart to you ,thinking "oh she'll get over it!" What she didnt realise was just hiw much it effected you even if she did listen to your sad little whimpers all night long, so then she woukd gave steeled herself to deal with her failings by hoping you would forget all about it and a bowl of icecream later be back ti being a happy child again. I expect your eyes got deeper and you probabky developed an anxious frown that she didnt like because sge was worried what people would think abd she was worried who you would talk to. She probably thought that social services would come and remove not only you but your sister too, so she tried to justify it in her head, that it was only because she was worried senskess that you had been abducted and taken from her life forever. When grandma told her that you'd been your normal happy self she start to worry about her communication system and how her logic wouldnt hold up for that day because she could have and should have phoned grandma to see if you were there when she first thought you were missing. So she felt even more guilty and tried to justify it further that if you hadnt gone out of the door she would never have had to worry inthe first place.Interestingly enough she mustv left you, a ten year old at home ,alone with a twelve year old which is illegal and bad parenting. Where was she at this time? Also when you left that day that left a seven year old home alone,again illegal without adult supervision. In these moments of relisation her sekf respect deserted her and she started to panic, but not enough to phine grandma it seems, so where was mom on that fatful day. After she had punshed you either unduly harshly or fairly you probably went a bit rigid on her ,thinking she was the message nster from hell and when it became clear that this was going to continue until dad stepped in and took you she ratcheted up her anxiety, believing that her entire good reputation was ruined by the events if this one day, so she tried to exonerate herself by telling herself that you were totally overreacting. Now, every time she sees you she is reminded of her failures and the old guilt comes rushing back.[Mod note: a space was inserted after each period to make this a bit easier to read, and it was broken into paragraphs instead of one large text block. Thank you for posting your answer! :) ]
...............................
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (4 October 2015): I wrote the OP. Thanks for the responses.I came home to reconcile. I look at my family and I made a mistake leaving and lost lots of good times. My daddy is not a bad man, but he's distant and nothing I ever did made him happy. He was embarrassed and ashamed once when I made a B in a class. Momma remarried and had twin boys in her late 30s. I see my sister and my two little brothers who did and are doing so well- thriving because of my mom, and I know she's a good mom. She was for me 99.9 percent of the time. That always made what happened to me hard to understand. I am like if you have been doing good, why not just keep doing good? I'll live and die and never understand what happened, but forgave and wanted to move past it.I wasn't a bad kid. Even now, I am a pre-med and not some kind of wash out. I work and have my own place as any adult should. So, I am not a deadbeat moocher. At first emotions were very positive. Even grandma softened up and was happy and mom was just happy to be part of my life again. Now, I am sensing some old grudges as my mom takes little verbal jabs at me. The peace is still holding,but it's tenuous. What is causing this? Is it too late with me now being an outsider?
...............................
A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (4 October 2015): Your story came back to me in my thoughts and although i dont know the details i see it this way You mustve been a beautiful ,loving and trusting child.You held total loyalty to your mother and thought she could do no wrong.You were caught in a situation where she blamed you for something that wasnt your fault and you say that she spanked you, but whatever happened during those moments hit you like a lightning bolt and you lost all trust and admiration of your mum.This is why it reoccurs to you as abuse because your trusting spirit was shattered.In one moment your mum changed from a goddess to a fiend and in your eyes randomly inflicted pain on you so that your entire world fell to bits.Your feelings are valid and you need to consider your innocence at this age and the degree of trust and faith you held in your mother.It mustve shaken your confidence greatly!Being a determined soul you decided to live with dad who you probabky viewed as safer.Now you need to draw some positives from this.You have a strong sense of justice so you would make an excellent lawyer if you ever wish to embark on this .Similarly you would be a great human rights activist if you contact people like amnesty international they need people like you to help people in terribly unfair and inhuman situations.And lastly you would never treat child like this yourself so you could work with children who need an adult tbey can trust.Finally you have the grace in you to forgive and to try to bring about a reconciliation with your mum but as it seems you are earmarked to be different you dont have to stay in the same town because the attempt to reconcile is enough.It doesnt have to be a daily torture ,you just have to be able to move forwards in a way thats right fir you.I suppose the spanking could have been anything fom a thrashing to a tapping which is what a spanking is meant to be, something like a gentle tapping on the hand not a damaging bruising, you wont sit down for a month act,so on tbat scale it may have constituted physical abuse.You may be getting little sympathy because corporal punishment used to be a thing adults were proud of.It started off as "spare the rod and spoil the child!" and included hitting with implements such as belts, ropes,electric flex,you name it they did it and youngsters had their own systems of dealing with it.When i was a child a friend of mine got caned on the hand ten times for getting a spelling wrong.She was the sweetest quietest child and it was totally unfair so i organised a rebellion and the following week the entire class got all the spellings wrong so that the teacher was forced to cane us all.In some way we felt we'd won and we were all laughing and smirking and sticking our tongues our behind her back as revenge but it was just a show of solidarity to make the teacher look stupid and to realise she couldnt single out one child.I think many children would know where you are coming from.Thankfully it wasnt sexual abuse but it was still damaging to you.Now you are an adult i hope you see mum is just a person as is dad and you can be part of the nonviolence movemnt where naughty children are told to sit on a mat.Consider a career in law.You may be extremly well suited to it!And goodluck my friend because the fact that you tried to effect a reconciliation speaks volumes about your depths as a person.
...............................
A
male
reader, Sageoldguy1465 +, writes (3 October 2015):
 If your Mother cannot put the angst between you (and her) "in the past"..... then, you may have to simply let the rift play out.... maybe forever. NOBODY, should endure the ill-temprament of a parent, sibling, in-law or anyone else would is customarily in peoples' "circle"......
Good luck....
...............................
A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (3 October 2015): some mothers never get the chance to see their daughters again..they disappear out of the door and never reappear.This brings years of unresolved heartache to their mothers who never know exactly why it happened and they constantly speculate if their daughter ran off, got disappeared or worse and agonise over the how, the why and the wherefore.Therefore i think you should give yourself one monumental hug from all those mums out there who wish their daughters would just reappear one day!Your mum probably cant believe her luck that your back and secretly she is fearing it will all be taken away from her forever.Perhaps in this situation the kindest thing to do would be to set some clear groundrules about how long this reconciliation can last because you are probably extremly independant by now and mum is probably gonna screw up again one day and she fears you will vanito again and she may never know why.So you could say to her "look mum i know your not perfect and neither am i and although its great being here one day i will need to move on with my life and back into my own place but whatever happens i will always keep you informed of my address so that if you need me you will be able to get in touch!"This should help to redress the balance and give you both the peace of mind you need.
...............................
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (3 October 2015): I don't really consider spanking abuse. Both me and my sibling were spanked when naughty (and perhaps not if we covered for each other or something). It has never bothered me at all to be honest. My boy on the other hand mentions being hit several times with a belt by his dad like it wasn't a big deal. That to me is in a completely different league to smacking a kids bum as a punishment.
...............................
A
female
reader, Honeypie +, writes (3 October 2015):
 I have to agree with Ciar. Though I had a pretty good childhood I too was spanked, and a few times I was spanked for something I didn't do - neither my brother, nor I would rat each other out not would we fess up, so... we both got a spanking.
While I'm NOT a fan of spanking as a child rearing tool, I don't think of it as abuse. I have never spanked my own children, but that is me. My dad felt differently.
It's up to you to decide if you can actually FORGIVE her or not. IF you can't then don't, but don't constantly bring it up - you will get nowhere with it. Of you need to deal with it, talk to a counselor.
...............................
A
female
reader, Ciar  +, writes (3 October 2015):
 I'm afraid I'm having a difficult time sympathizing with you. In both of those posts the only great travesty you refer to is a spanking for something you didn't do. Besides that injustice of monumental proportions, it sounds like everything was fine.
You know, many of us received a hell of a lot more than that. My own childhood was such that I was temporarily removed from my home and placed in foster care. So to answer your original question posted on March 17th, no I do not consider your experience child abuse. Not by a long shot.
That day was obviously not your mum's best, and if it was her worst, you have much to be thankful for. I would think that all the love and care she showed you before that would have more than tipped the scales in her favour. And since two other people who know and love both of you think you're carrying this too far, you should consider it.
I can totally understand why your family thinks they have to walk on eggshells with you. Clearly you haven't forgiven anyone anything.
You're still that angry ten year old girl. You've forgiven nothing. You're just sniffing around looking for the lifetime's worth of penance you seem to think you're owed.
You're owed nothing. Time to grow up and get over it.
...............................
|
