A
female
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:I am a 29 yr old female with two children. My husband and I have worked hard to get accomplish the American dream. We depend on each others income to maintain and if I leave everything will fall apart. What about my kids? Here’s the thing……. He's extremely critical of me and extremely religious. I use to do everything to please him and lost myself. He is/was never happy and always demands more. He is not grateful of me at all. In the most recent years I started to rebel now I refuse to go to service, I won't fast or pray around him. I feel like I married my father and I'm a rebellious teenager all over again. He won't take me anywhere or do anything with me, we rarely speak and the sex is like....climb on top when you get ready..1234 and it's all over. He's knows that I long for attention and does these things as punishment. All he does is blame me for changing. He doesn't take any responsibility and doesn't think that there is anything wrong with him. He is a good person deep inside and I love him dearly but do I want to be lonely, depressed and long for love for the rest of my life? Would you leave?
View related questions:
depressed Reply to this Question
Share |
Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (30 August 2009): You can excuse his behaviour in the name of religion, punishment or 'its just his way'... but you have to accept he is abusive towards you. You are not trapped. I have been in your shoes and the one thing that made me finally 'wake up' to the reality that I had a choice was when my Mother said to me she did not want to see me wasting my life. That really got to me I felt so sad and so sorry. I felt as though my Mother, who had brought me up, looked after me and loved me was hurting that this was not what she had dreamed for me and I was allowing someone to ruin my life and everyone could see me crumbling. You have a responsibility to the people that brought you into this world who want the best for you, you owe it to YOURSELF too that there is a better life. I would leave him, most sincerely I really would. If he changes and wants you badly he will fight hard to get you but it will be on your terms. I doubt you will look back though. I don't think he respects you - he won't change.
A
female
reader, devastated2008 +, writes (30 August 2009):
 This sounds like a very sad situation to be in... but you say you love him dearly and I admire that greatly. It takes a strong person to be able to see through the pain.You say he is very religious and his criticism has turned you off... so I assume that you also value your religious background, but just don't want him determining your values. With that in mind I don't think you would be very comfortable in the long run taking the divorce route.No you should definitely not settle for a lonely, depressed and loveless existence. It is time and it sounds like you are desperate enough to be ready... to show him who you REALLY are. You've hidden yourself behind the rebellious front as a defense to being controlled and dominated... that's no more who you are than the over-pleaser you were before. The real you likely lies somewhere in the middle.That means you are going to have to take some emotional risks and start calmly informing him of what you want, what you expect and what you will no longer do. Let him criticize all he wants but hold firm... (pretend like he's a pouting child and wait him out). Don't give in. Don't respond to the criticism, just like a pouting child "I can't hear you when you talk like that." Walk out of the room, get busy with your own thing ect... until he is talking appropriately. Smile, be loving, affectionate, happy and appreciative of everything he DOES do. If you say no 1234 sex, then initiate the kind of sex you do want, but refuse to settle for 1234. If he turns down your kind, smile, kiss him goodnight and go to sleep. Same thing every night...I wouldn't recommend this for every couple, but you say you love him dearly and because of your religious background I think it is worth a try before you consider separation.It may sound a lot like parenting him or training a pet, but the truth is we all teach people how to treat us anyway... this is you simply deciding what you will and will not tolerate and acting on it. You are not telling him how he has to respond... he gets to choose. Actions speak louder than words... and he knows you mean business!
...............................
A
male
reader, Trans Am Man +, writes (30 August 2009):
 I think you should just tell him that he doesn't start treating you right then you're leaving him (you don't have to mean it). He'll change his ways.
...............................
A
female
reader, HereAreMyTwoCents +, writes (30 August 2009):
 Ok, you and your husband need to sit down and talk. All the things you are telling us here, you need to tell him. Unless you already have and he just refuses to listen, the next logical step is to tell him exactly what you said here, and see what he says. No religious teaching teaches a man to be cold, callous and uncaring to his wife. No psychology book. Nowhere does it say that. Start going back to church. Go talk to a pastor. Does your church offer marital counseling? First off, stop rebelling against church. Church is a positive thing. Show him you want to collaborate at church. But then ask him to reciprocate in return, by paying attention to you. If he is still convinced of his own self-righteousness, bring someone else into this, whose opinion he would trust, a trusted older relative that he would respect, or church elder he would respect. If you are truly in the right, then someone else can make him see the error of his ways, and humble him into a more humane human being, which is how religion is SUPPOSED to make people. Good luck. And if you've tried everything and he still shows defiance toward active participation and warmth in your relationship, then let him know you won't stand for it. And figure out a way to leave. Trust me you can leave. It may be hard for a while, but you need to. Children can sense unhappy parents, and it affects them. What they learn in their childhood house is what they will take with them for the rest of their life, and it will determine the kind of people they are. If they do not see love and happiness and active warmth and collaboration, they in turn will not know how to give that to their future adult relationship.
...............................
A
male
reader, softtouchmale2003 +, writes (30 August 2009):
 This is a story that if often repeated over many relationships.
From personal experience I will give you my 2 cents worth.
First of all, people who tend to rely too heavily on religion use religion as a crutch to prop up their own insecurities.
Second of all, his lack of empathy, his lack of intimacy and his constant criticism of you "changing" is brought on by his own self-imposed isolation. In other words, he has become introverted and anti-social in a sense of the word.
Because of this, anything you do will cause him to blame you or question your actions. He is hyper-critical because of his own insecurities.
You on the other hand are maturing and growing while he steadfastly refuses to grow and mature with you.
This is not a communications issue. Its clear to me that you have tried, at least I hope you tried, to tell him what it is you expect from him as your husband.
What you see is a natural desire to be intimate and close, in a loving partnership with your husband, he sees as threatening and therefore he will be hypercritical of you.
This means that everything top to bottom in your relationship is being damaged and you are being pushed out and mis-trusted.
Unfortunately, under the circumstances of the children being there, he has a distinct advantage. And he is leveraging it unfairly against you.
The other concern I have is that you are depended on him at least financially, and I suspect in a way you are dependent upon him for emotional support. But its not working out.
You have two choices. The ultimatum which will not work because he will perceive it as a threat which it is; and the second choice is more dire, and that is take the kids and move out.
You didn't discuss which denomination you are practicing, and many faiths put the woman in an inferior position and teach that the husband is the ruler of the house.
This is definitely something weighing in on him if he is devoutly religious.
My personal view on this situation is that religion and spirituality are important, but how one practices a faith and interplays it in his or her life marks a difference in degrees.
Here, you are stuck with a man who is good, but mainly because I think he fears God.
This is a misnomer for everyone. If we are the creation of God, and I believe God is in all of us, then we should never fear God. God is love. Why would God have us fear him?
But that is how your husband's moral conscience is ruled. He is ruled by the fear of God, as opposed to the love of God.
Because of this, he cannot open himself up to you and treat you equally. Instead he substitutes contrived theistic ideals and treats you as an inferior.
This is an impossible situation. I would urge you first to try and find someone that he respects and will listen to, to counsel him and you together about how important it is for you to be treated with respect, love and devotion.
Absent those very important points, he will never honor you as being his wife, the mother of his children, and his partner in life.
Sadly, even if you leave, he will continue to practice this thinking for the rest of his life.
Finally, I fear for your children in many ways. They are in the middle of an emotional battle zone. You should not have to go through a marriage sensing that it will become loveless when the very fruit of your marriage are still blossoming in your home.
I cannot offer any better advice than to try, at least one time, to get him to change his behavior towards you, and ultimately for the children too.
But if he refuses to change, I see no other course of action for you. You will either leave him eventually, or you will find someone else to emotionally support you while your husband tries to tear you down.
I would suggest leaving him if all else has failed.
...............................
A
female
reader, QuartzKitty +, writes (30 August 2009):
Yes. I would leave in a heartbeat.
...............................
|
