A
female
age
51-59,
anonymous
writes:Before my husband and i were married we were out one evening drinking and i picked up a woman mostly to please my husband. We ended going back to her hotel and even as drunk as I was I was very uncomfortable when I saw him touching her and I ran out. He ran after me and I stayed and performed out his "fantasy". Since then, he brings up every opportunity he can to tell me he wants me to sleep with another woman, and worse yet, he wants me to go find a girlfriend so that when he's in town (we dont live in the same state and he's military so he's been gone alot), he can sleep with us too. He uses the condition that I have to sleep with another woman for everything. He even used it as a condition of us finally getting married after three years of engagment, one marriage date that he didn't take seriously and didn't come too, and over ten years of dating. He also cannot have phone sex, or real sex unless he talks about me sleeping with another woman (and it's not "sleeping", he uses very explicit details). I used to enjoy sleeping with him but it's gotten to the point that I cringe when he calls. I almost hate him I think. He made me go to strip club to "try and pick up a girlfriend" which was stupid. The only people at strip clubs are men. I did go reluctantly because I couldn't lie to him, and ended up meeting a couple guys instead. So, of course that wasn't good enough and he asked me go to a lesbien club for his birthday. I just couldn't go, I am an adult and way past the partying years and have been begging for a baby for the last ten years and my mind is not anywhere near these types of thoughts and behaviors. I ended up lying to him and find myself lying alot to him on the phone. I am so turned off and disgusted with him. I have not had real phone sex with him on my end in a long time. I'm ending up having to move where he is and well be living together soon and I hate him. I hate him for asking me childish fantasies and postponing serious things like us having a family "until i do what he asks". Its getting out of control but he thinks he's normal and his request are normal and that if i love him i'll do whatever he asks. He now tells me he's the boss of me and I have to do whatever he asks. He will not sleep with me until I sleep with another woman, and we can't have our baby "through fertility and surrogacy" until he gets what he wants. I am without a job right now so I am no situation to be on my own, and I don't want too. I just want the man I fell in love with to love me again, and think about me,and want to be with me, and not use me. I feel like I married a pimp and I am very very unhappy.
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drunk, fell in love, military, phone sex Reply to this Question
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male
reader, TheDarkDoc  +, writes (4 April 2010):
 The only thing i can say is END THIS RELATIONSHIP !! Look for somebody who would love you !!! Probably there are alot of them
A
female
reader, veronika  +, writes (2 April 2010):
 Find a job, get out of this relationship.
Seriously. Read your post. How many times do you mention "hate"? Do your see yourself writing "I am unhappy"?
If you don't have any money, get a job. If you want a family, get away from this man and find someone who wants one with you. The man you used to know is probably never going to come back, unless he has countless counselling sessions to be completely reprogrammed, and that's probably not even possible at his age.
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A
female
reader, Myrrh  +, writes (1 April 2010):
 Im surprised you even wanted to marry him if his condition was that he would only marry you, if you and he slept with another woman. Thats really NOT normal. Didnt that give you a clue as to what you were getting into?
It doesnt sound as if you will get back the man you once loved if he was like this before you even married him! Hes been the way he is for a long time now. Im not sure how long you are prepared to wait for this to happen. But i fear you might be wasting your time. It sounds as if you have been waiting long enough already....for him to marry you and now for a baby. And to be honest i dont think having a baby with him would make you any happier. You would still be trapped with a manipulating man that puts his sexual needs way above anything you desire. Having a baby with someone like him would only serve to highlight his short falls and add to your misery. And the childs life would not necessarily be any happier. Thinking your husband would do a 180 and change if a baby came along is deluding yourself because your husband is what he is.
He has degraded you and holds back things the things you need to make you happy because hes very selfish and forgive my frankness....hes a pervert.
Trying to force you to do same sex acts that disgust you, just for his sexual gratification is very messed up and wrong. Not all men love lesbians, my partner doesnt get turned on by them at all. So please dont think every man you meet will be the same as your husband because they wont.
If i were you id find a job and get out there meeting other people. Start saving money, put it away for yourself and dont tell your husband. Find a local college that run classes for self assertiveness. Build on your confidence and make a life for yourself, dont be so dependant on this man. Youve tried that and where has it got you? You say yourself he isnt making you happy. So do something about it now, rather than waste anymore time wanting him to be someone he isnt. Once youve gain some confidence and can afford your own place, move out and let him come crawling back to you on your terms. If you still want him by that stage, which i very much doubt. I get the feeling you use him for security but you dont need to. You have the power to change your life, so use it x
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A
female
reader, Sincerely Yours +, writes (1 April 2010):
 He doesn't sound like he's making you happy in any way whatsoever. You've gotta get crackin on that family because if he puts it off for too long, it'll be too late for you and then you'll hate him on a whole new level. Get a job, save up money, get your own place, go to a sperm bank and make yourself a baby.
If you can make it work without a divorce then congratulations.
He's luckier than he gives you credit for.
Most Miltary wives would have been out the door with all his money, having sold his car, house, etc. and a new man on their arm. He's ridiculously ungrateful and I'm mad at him for making you miserable.
I've heard at least 40 stories of military wives cheating, stealing and using, half of which were men I actually know. It's pathetic. And he got on of the good ones and he's taking advantage of it and I'm mad at him.
What a jerk.. telling you he wont' give you a child unless you sleep with another woman.. I can't even stand that.
Life is so not long enough to spend it wishing it was different.
It's one thing to have a fantasy and another to blackmail your wife with it.
And for the record WiseAngela, ALL MEN do not love lesbians. Please don't generalize. It drives me crazy. My husband is literally and utterly disgusted by lesbians.
Anyway..
I wish you would go and make yourself happy.
You can't stay with him because he's paying for everything though. You deserve more than a life based only on having the bread on the table.
~sy
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A
male
reader, Red Green 0289 +, writes (1 April 2010):
Get out- he's too controlling. If you were into it, it would be fine, but he's putting his sexual fantasy ahead of your happiness- that's just WRONG.
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A
female
reader, WiseAngela23 +, writes (1 April 2010):
ALL MEN LOVE LESBIANS!!!! Every single guy I have ever talked to has said how they get more pleasure out of life from lesbians. Talk your husband and tell him you don't feel comfortable or something or get a divorice.
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A
male
reader, Myau  +, writes (1 April 2010):
 I cant help but wonder what answer do you want?
I think rather than answer you I must ask a question: why are you staying in a situation where you are so unhappy? Are you waiting until you really hate him?
Dont you see, he doesnt value you as a person at all, he is taking advantage of you. If threesomes arnt your thinng, then you shouldnt be doing them.
Marrige is a bond between two people and only two people.... do you have that?
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A
female
reader, RainStorm  +, writes (1 April 2010):
Talk to him about it. Explain to him that was just a one time thing and you weren't even comfortable about it then. Also NO, just because you love somebody does not mean you should do whatever they want you to do! Relationship is about being equal, not who the boss of who! If he can't understand this, leave him. No point of being with him if you cringe at talking with him and he only brings up other women all the time.
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