A
male
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:My girlfriend and I have been together for 14 months. We live together and are completely commited to eachother. In beginning, as in most relationshiops, we had a very intense sex life. However, During the first six months, we had gone from having sex about 10 times a week to once a week. We did not have sex at all during the seventh month of our relationship. While our sex life was dwindling, everything else in the relationship was amazing. I eventually I asked her why she no longer seemed interested in sex, because I thought she may have lost sexual interest in me. She assured she still desires me, and that we will have sex when she wants. On one occasion, she revealed that she was pretending to be asleep while i was trying to get her in the mood. Since then things have gotten somewhat better, but I still feel like I have to nag her for sex or any kind of intimacy. However, we have opposing work schedules now (She works 1st shift , I work 2nd shift) so we have a lot less time to spend together. When we go to bed together on our night off, I try to arouse her by massaging her back or something along those lines, but it always seems to be more of an annoyance to her. Even when we go out on a date and have a great time, I usually end up feeling rejected and dissapointed at the end of the night. I could not break up with her over this - she is irreplaceable to me - but these feelngs of frustration, dissapointment, and rejection are eating me from the inside out and are even starting to affect my performance at work. I really want to talk to her again about this, but I am unsure how to do it without upsetting or angering her. I would really appreciate any intelligent advice!
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Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
reader, anonymous, writes (3 February 2007): What's really obvious here is you two have differing libidos. She doesn't need sex as much as you do...plain and simple. So if the excitement in this relationship for you, is only coming from the idea of a lot of sex and not from just building the true, deep bond and intimacy of being together, you have more problems to solve than you think. It sounds like you have insecure tendencies, so fear of rejection tends to be a big deal with you. If this keeps up, you will end up a very resentful man andthis relationship will be blown asunder.
You and she definitely need to talk. And you cannot fear angering her. You need to discuss together and negotiate how to handle these differing libidos. Why don't you start romancing her a little more, try to work something out in your hectic schedules for just you and her to share time together, without the sex. Say a romantic dinner and a movie. It sounds like you have a good loving,solid base...you just need to fine tune things by negotiating a bit. You both need to find a good balance and one of the most important aspects in a good love relationship is compromise and a lot of honest, truthful talking. When you love someone, you are totally yourself with them..you should be able to handle anything, together.. Nothing can drive a wedge between you. Whatever life throws at you, you deal with it together. So ask each other how each of you like to be approached with regards to sex. Tell her your feelings about how you feel when she refuses you. Find out why she refuses you. Is she over tired and stressed? Committed loving relationships mean compromise, compromise and more compromise and all discussions have to be done lovingly and calmly. No angry outbursts, no disrespectful judgments. But you do owe her your honesty.
A
female
reader, AskEve  +, writes (3 February 2007):
 Okay here's what I suggest. You're going to have to be very patient here but if you love her you'll be willing to do this. Give her plenty hugs and kisses, let her know she's still sexy but DON'T have sex with her. Nuzzle her neck or her ear in bed, even tease her a little then turn over and go to sleep. Don't ASK to have sex with her and don't go in a mood or get all sulky about it. Just resort to the fact (for now at least) that for a while it won't be happening.
She'll wonder why you're not asking her and she might even come on to you one night. HOLD BACK and reject her for whatever reason you need to make up! Kiss her yes but do not have penetrative sex with her. When you feel she's gagging for it (and she will be, trust me) then plan a night when you know you will both be together (no shifts) and woo her. Make her a nice meal or go out for a meal. If she mentions your patience at all, say you hadn't noticed. Two or three weeks of being like this will turn her around... try it and let me know if it works okay?
Reverse psychology can sometimes be a wonderful thing! :o)
Eve
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A
female
reader, Saz464 +, writes (2 February 2007):
 As dreadful as it may seem, maybe you need to look elsewhere for the intimacy you desire. This girl doesn't sound like she's right for you or that she has much respect for you, I suggest you leave her and wait to see if she asks for you back, then you'll know if you're wanted.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (2 February 2007): basically being a girl on the recieving end of this problem i know how frustrating it can be when someone is keeping on at you all the time, i think you should give it a bit of time withou bothering her for sex, the way i look at it is i like the chase so try to leaver HER wanting instead of you.
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A
male
reader, Dagwood  +, writes (2 February 2007):
 Hi Anon. Tough situation I feel for you! But remember no one is irreplaceable! Your feelings are important too and you can't be in a relationship that is affecting your work and your life in general. Her pushing you away has probably made you become needier and less self-confident which maybe looks to her that you NEED her as opposed to desiring to be with her. I suggest you don't bug her too much for sex. See if you can abstain for a while but you must talk to her and explain why it's an important part of the intimate relationship you share. Sometimes women do this to make you desire them more and keep your interest levels up... and it works. Perhaps your appearance has changed and you're less sexy to her or she's having some problems at work. Does she reach climax when you do it? Is she satisfied? Are you doing what she wants or has it just become a routine thing in the same position? There are just so many reasons why a person can be put off sex but you need to get to the bottom of them and sort it out as it's obviously not making you happy. I hope this helps. Take care and be strong!
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