A
female
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:It’s bittersweet when I post on here bc 1. I know it’s bc I made an error 2. My agony aunts and uncles are so good at advising me. I’ve been posting on here since 2011 once in a while. So thank you for your kind words!! Here’s another one of my dating disasters. I met this 55 year old man. I am 40. I’m not as successful as him but when he was my age, we had similar success. I bring this up bc I am not a gold digger. My father told me since I was a little kid it’s important for women to have their own money. I don’t jump in bed right away, never have. I feel one night stands are degrading to me. Two guys did that to me in my 20s and I hated how used I felt so I’m very cautious in avoiding them. So this current one; fed me a bunch of crap for a month, called all the time, etc. we met up, he bought me a gift. Took me to all these places. Eventually, we sleep together. I’m lucky if he texts me now. I act like I don’t care but I’m angry at the idea maybe it was all a scam. I don’t initiate any conversations bc I’m not going to beg for attention. It’s crazy to me men will still do this!!! I’ve had a gorgeous 27 yr old in my town go after me and I don’t even entertain it. I feel like if I’m going to get used, I’d rather sleep w the hot young man who doesn’t need a pill, if you catch my drift. Speaking of which, the older man couldn’t even keep up and he def didn’t prepare w such medication. I’m upset I didn’t even enjoy it! He texted me Happy Vday at like 4pm yesterday. No flowers or even a card. Is this just how it is? I’ve done a lot of self discovery; stayed single for 4 years, and this still happens to me. I feel like I have the most pathetic dating life. It’s like I should just join a convent lol. Thank you for listening.
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flowers, money, older man, one night stand, text Reply to this Question
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female
reader, Honeypie +, writes (18 February 2023):
 EDIT..
I hate when I get auto corrected on an answer..
"Secondly, talking for a month does equate to knowing someone well enough to have GREAT sex."
Should of course have been :
"Secondly, talking for a month does NOT equate to knowing someone well enough to have GREAT sex.
1 month is really not that long. And if you added up the "hours" you spend talking with him and hanging out with him HOW much of that was spent talking about deeply personal stuff or "vital" information?
I think a lot of time people do not take their time. They think they HAVE to hurry. That time runs out. But spending 4-6 months on REALLY getting to know someone will pay off later, versus spending a month.
A
reader, anonymous, writes (15 February 2023): We can only speak in broad generalities; because there is no preciseness in the world of dating.
I guess I've always felt that there will eventually be someone for everyone. It's just a matter of time before you meet each-other. For some people, they found love very quickly; for others, they may have to look harder and longer before they find the right match. Some people have found good matches two or more times over; but events came about that ended them. That's what happened to me. Twice!
You/we live in a modern-world of entitlement, materialism, and selfishness. Our daily lives have been invaded by hi-tech and social media. Both have a huge affect on our society and social behavior. Back in olden-times, people relied on chance encounters and opportunity. Now you can find an app for seeking dates; and hopefully, our pursuit of love and romantic-connections will lead to lasting-relationships. If one fails, you don't give-up; you keep searching for the one that won't fail.
Everybody has a pathetic dating life. Dating is a process of selection. You don't always hit the bullseye. It's a hit or miss proposition. Sometimes people simply settle out of impatience and frustration; but in doing so, they face a lot of disappointment, abuse, and usually become embittered and cynical. Always maintain your standards and principles.
Cancer ended a 28-year relationship for me; and after that, I ran into some of the most horrendous and most unbelievable romantic-connections the mind could ever perceive or comprehend. I just resigned myself to make the best of my single-life. I have a very close and loving family, I have reached a point I can retire early due to some financial success; and I have God in my life, and a great circle of true and sincere friends. I have suffered some major setbacks, disappointments, scares, and misfortunes; but my parents, and my faith, have prepared me for all the cruelties and unfairness of life. I refuse to be defeated. I pray to God for strength and guidance.
Teach yourself to enjoy dating, for what it's worth; and capitalize on the selection process for gaining knowledge about the differences between a good-man and a bad-one. Keeping in-mind, your own faults and human imperfections. Somebody is dealing with your quirks and faults as well. It's easier to find fault in others, than to see our own.
You'll gain a little something from each encounter. You now have more of a realistic view on human nature; but don't become jaded or burned-out over the exasperating process of selection. You've met some men who only wanted sex, but your commonsense prevailed. Yes, you get used, but your sexual interactions were consensual at the time. Sex does not necessarily seal the deal; and people can be very much attracted to us, without being in-love with us.
Sometimes, we'll meet someone interesting; who'll checkoff all the right boxes. Never allow yourself to get ahead of yourself by moving too quickly; or daydreaming of the future. Pace yourself, until you are certain of what you've got; and know what you're doing in the present. If it doesn't workout as planned; you don't go-down in flames, you rise from the ashes. If you're 40, you've got approximately 40 more years of life to go! Make the time count!
Singleness is usually a temporary phase; and you'll couple-up sooner or later. You'll undergo a romantic-relationship; until it reaches one conclusion or another. Either it works, or it doesn't. If it's a bust, you pick yourself up, dust yourself off, and you keep going. Making sure you seek more out of life; than just pairing-off with a man, or a woman. You need to know yourself, love yourself, improve yourself, and learn from your past mistakes. You need to grow from the losses you've endured. Become stronger, because for as long as you live; you get to do over whatever you failed at. Unless you give-up in defeat, and give-in to embitterment and cynicism. That's the easy path. Perseverance is tougher, but more rewarding!
Yes, my dear, it can be a long and frustrating journey for some of us. Don't let the setbacks overwhelm you, and don't feel you're alone. We've all been there, and are doing that. People are reading your post, just like I have; and we all feel you, sister!
Don't lose heart. Hang in there! You're making your way to the man meant for you; and he's overcoming obstacles and hurdles to get to you. You'll encounter some really difficult obstacles, but you're also learning as you go.
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A
female
reader, Honeypie +, writes (15 February 2023):
I have to ask do you like this guy or not?
That is the main part.
Secondly, talking for a month does equate to knowing someone well enough to have GREAT sex. And, sometimes first-time sex with someone is AWKWARD and not that great - mostly because you don't know each other that well.
You aren't really "dating" per se either so I'm not sure you should have expected flowers etc. for Valentine's. I think when we EXPECT things from others... we more often get disappointed than not.
He could be embarrassed that he didn't perform all that well in bed. I think most men DO NOT want to be a lousy lay, EVER. However, if he barely texts or calls after the sex fiasco, you might have to decide if this is what yOU want out of a potential courtship. And since YOU don't want to initiate, HE might also think that YOU lost interest in him.
I think perhaps a month is too soon for sex.
If sex was all that mattered, you would have jumped the 27-year-old already - right? But you want more.
I can't imagine dating today.
In the end, YOU have to look at the guy AS A PERSON and decide, is this someone I want to get to know better? Want to spend time with? Feel attracted to?
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A
female
reader, Youcannotbeserious  +, writes (15 February 2023):
 Sorry, still having to test whether the post will appear as we keep having problems posting and there is no point in preparing a reply and then losing it.
You are seeing this as a reflection on YOU but I wonder, is it at all possible that the guy felt embarrassed about not being able to perform satisfactorily? If he had just wanted a quick bit of sex, surely it would have been quicker and cheaper - not to mention a "sure thing" - to hire someone? He didn't need to date you for a month, calling all the time, buying you a gift, taking you out, trying to impress you. He didn't need to wish you a happy Valentine's day either.
I'm assuming you actually like this guy, otherwise you would not have hung about for a month or had sex with him (based on your post). You speak of him scathingly now because you feel rejected and hurt, which is normal. People often lash out when they feel belittled. However, maybe this is about HIM and not YOU (as things often are). Have a think about it and perhaps reach out to him if you are still interested. If you do, you two need to talk and be honest with each other before going any further.
Whatever way you decide to play it, good luck.
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A
female
reader, Youcannotbeserious +, writes (15 February 2023):
Test
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