A
female
age
51-59,
anonymous
writes:I've just divorced my husband of 20 years and met this Englishman 18 years my senior and Im not from England. Im 45. He is trying to help to get my life on track. He has sex with me whenever he sees me. I never say no because I would be totally lost without him. I feel like I give him sex to swap help from him. I feel sick sometimes for what i've been doing. Please advise.
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reader, anonymous, writes (27 March 2008): After rereading all the responses, including my own, and thinking over what you stated, and thinking of my feelings as a man, and what sex means to me, I would like to add a little different approach or concept to this scenario. If I sound mean, I don't mean to, but to try to express a way a man might think and interpret the situation if he were in it.
You stated "I never say no because I would be totally lost without him."
This is troubling to me, because if I were him, I wouldn't want you to do something you were uncomfortable with. I would expect honesty from you though about your feelings. If you were not interested in becoming a partner, then I would hope you would let me know where you stand so I don't come crashing down latter, because then I would feel like I was being used or manipulated for the help I was offering.
You stated "I feel like I give him sex to swap help from him."
If this wasn't agreed to in the beginning, then I wouldn't have a clue this is what you were thinking. It is true that there maybe times I might want to relieve pressure and have a quickie. But if I am having feelings for someone that I think I might become a partner with, then I'm having sex with you, thinking of you, and loving you while we have sex. Knowing that you have no intentions of becoming a partner and going through the motions of sex, I'd be heart broken, and again, I would feel used and taken advantage of.
Sex means more to me then just having sex because I can, I prefer a connection with the mind and heart, otherwise, it would be no different if I were to instead find a prostitue, you come and go with no attachments.
Helping you get on your feet is because I like you and want to be friends. Having sex is because I feel a connection with you that I'm thinking could lead to a long term relationship and marriage, if that is what we both want.
I do recall a girl I knew. We became romantically involved and then I found out she was married. I told her straight out that if she meant what she said that the marriage was over, then she had to show me she meant it, that she was willing to work at becoming detached from the person she was married to, otherwise, I felt like a girl toy that once she was done with, she could go back to her husband.
If your unsure of what you both have, you need to ask. Not asking and going with the flow will pose problems latter when you assume your boyfriend or husbands intentions and then be dissappointed when the results are not what you expected. Couples, friends, coworkers, all need to communicate, otherwise, the left foot won't know what the right foot is doing, and the human ends up falling to the ground, breaking an arm.
A
female
reader, Laura1318  +, writes (26 March 2008):
When a woman has run out of options and when it is bread
and butter issues and if she finds no job and in order to
survive ,she will have to prostitute herself.
What other alternative does she has?
It is easy to advise her to look for a job , to have more
self respect or tell him to get lost or look for a friend
and depend on his/her goodwill.
Can your pride and dignity bring food on the table?
You need to do what you have to do to live.
Whatever it takes in order to survive in this concrete jungle.
No one should judge you.
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A
female
reader, Gena Bullock  +, writes (25 March 2008):
 I agree with all of you except the anonymous book writer...that prostitute stuff is a lame excuse for giving your body up for cash....to save a house. There are other options and MY BODY ain't one of them. Have some self respect and tell him to move on. You are fine iwthout that kind of help in your life, honey. Get some of your stamina back and backbone. I was 45 when I left my ex...it was the most invigorating experience of my life. 26 years of hassle...and cheating. I met a man who treats me like gold and with self respect. They're out there...no doubt. Get yourself straight first and the rest will follow. Promise.
Gena
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (25 March 2008): What you are doing is what millions of other women are doing around this great big world of ours. It is common practice, although many many women will deny this happens...in their lives. It is an unwritten code...a rule that is not always verbally explained, but it is very common. If you want the help from this man and feel that you cannot deal without his help at this time....then I recommend you continue the way things are, at least until you are able to get yourself back on track. I will be flamed and ridicules and criticize for what I'm writing to you, but you just wait and see. There will be a great many more females who will be doing what you are doing more openly in the next few months. This recession that we are experiencing here in the states is already having such an effect. I can give you over 300 examples of what you are talking about and all the examples have occured in the last 90 days. For your benefit.....I would continue to do it until you know for sure that you are able to do without his aid and assistance.I will tell you this for sure and if you know a close female friend over here...ask them.I know over 20 women of very high morals who ..if you had asked them last summer about "prostituting themselves" for money, they would have screamed bloody murder and would have said "NEVER-EVER"! Now these same women...all have been willing to trade sex for money today...because their $500,000. and million dollar homes are facing 'foreclosure'They all have the so-called prime mortgages that have failed miserably over here. One 41 y/o female's monthly mortgage went from $1700. a month to $3378. a month and she is now 8 months behind facing foreclosure and eviction. She has offered to be ....well, you get the picture. She, like hundreds of others does not want to lose her home. It is having a massive effect over here. Crime is very rampart and it affects all races, nationalities and creeds. The areaI live in had only 9 bank robberies in all of last year. As of Friday, they have already had 54 bank robberies since January 1st. So I recommend this to you.....do what you have to do to survive and get along. He's older than you so a hour or two or even a night of discomfort is better than being on the streets or not having a car or whatever.You can always take a bath, shower and rinse with mouthwash after he leaves. Don't be ready and willing to fuck a hundred when you're homeless and destitue, when you can now...at this moment, be with one before you are truly in need and desperate. I know it sounds bad...but make your own choice!
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A
male
reader, Danielepew  +, writes (25 March 2008):
 I agree with you, poster: you're giving him sex in exchange for help, and that just shouldn't be.
First, I think that your divorce, in a foreign country, has left you vulnerable. You don't tell where you're from, but it seems clear to me that your husband meant security. You feel like you can't live without a male presence. You can, poster. I can't blame you for finding it hard to live on your own, but you have to do it.
I don't think he is giving any help. I very much agree with wise Baby Duck in this. I think that help is help only if you don't ask for something in return. And he's getting quite a lot for his "help". He knows you need a male presence, and he's taking advantage of the opportunity.
So you have yet another reason to learn to live on your own. Many people will sense your need, and will take advantage from it. If I were in your situation, I would want a real relationship with someone, and that would mean being with a person who won't take advantage of my weaknesses.
Since you don't feel happy with this, stop it. Tell him that you appreciate his help, but you also understand you have to walk on your own feet. Also, tell him there will be no more sex, because you feel like you're swapping sex for help. If he's any good, he will understand and will not leave you.
Years ago, I overheard a conversation that was a real eye-opener. It really shook me at the moment, as I was a teen-ager. I heard a man say that he always went to these places where girls were trying to recover from alcoholism, because those girls were weak and, therefore, became easy prey. I'm not exaggerating: these were his words. That made me see that you need to be careful with who offers help when you're weak. Sometimes you find an angel, and sometimes a devil. Be sure you are with an angel.
Or find yourself some wings and fly.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (25 March 2008): Maybe the reason you feel sick, is because there is no connection between sex and the heart. Though it is nice he is helping, it seems a little selfish on his part to get sex without some other connection.
I have to agree with the two other females on this, even though it seems a little harsh. You have your dignity and self respect to be concerned with, otherwise, what do you have?
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A
female
reader, TELLULAH +, writes (25 March 2008):
 Honey why are you doing this? This is almost like prostitution, and if your not the type that can shut of their feelings when giving sex for favours or money, it will end up haunting you.
Why do you need help from him, is there no one else that can help you. Why do you need so much help anyway?
If I were you I would say thanks but no thanks the next time he calls you. Get your self respect back and start dealing with things on your own.
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