A
female
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes:I'm feeling hurt and in need of some advice..I talked to my ex boyfriend recently (whom I am still in love with) and he said although I was "great" he was unhappy in our relationship.I am very hurt by this because I really tried my absolute best to make things work, and to make him happy. The break up was very difficult. he broke things off, and I am still coping. I feel like I failed as a girlfriend, and I that couldn't make him happy. I am feeling bad for myself thinking "what's wrong with me?"
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female
reader, Tisha-1  +, writes (17 April 2014):
 This guy? http://www.dearcupid.org/question/i-dont-deserve-the-way-he-ended-it.html
Definitely seek counseling, woman, you deserve to feel good about yourself again and if this is keeping you down then you need to find a way to get it in your past in a healthy way! :)
A
male
reader, Xearo  +, writes (17 April 2014):
There's nothing wrong with you. Sometimes two people just aren't right for each other...go figure. You might be in love with the idea of being in the relationship because you should be able to see that he was unhappy. You should let this one go, and realize that he is not for you, he did not make you happy and you did not make him happy. Get over it as soon as possible because there are a lot of other great guys out there, who are also willing to go the extra mile for their woman!
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A
male
reader, CMMP +, writes (16 April 2014):
A line worth repeating is "A girlfriend's job (and a boyfriend's as well) isn't to "make" the other person happy".
This is very true, because if you're compatible with someone you won't have to make them happy. They'll be happy to be with you because they lovebwho you are.
That's not to say that you shouldn't try to be a good bf/gf, and the best version of yourself you can be.
So don't feel bad, there relationship didn't fail because of you, it failed because you weren't compatible.
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A
female
reader, YouWish +, writes (16 April 2014):
 You didn't fail. A girlfriend's job (and a boyfriend's as well) isn't to "make" the other person happy. We are responsible for our own happiness and sadness. We are responsible for aspiring to be the best we can be for ourselves. In a relationship, we're responsible for being faithful and true, for not being in the relationship under false pretenses, and to take care of ourselves and to show love to our partners and be generous and kind and open-hearted. But our happiness is our own responsibility.
It could have been as simple as not being compatible, or he could have had depression, or he could have been pretending to be someone else around you, or he could have met someone else that he wanted to pursue. How is any of that a failure on you? You failing would have been if you had cheated, or lied, or stole, or undermined him, or something along those lines. His unhappiness isn't your failure.
No more clinging to the past. Just as you are not responsible for his happiness, a guy can't be your everything. He can't meet your emotional needs, nor compensate for any emotional baggage. Being desperate and clingy or needy or hyper-touchy or high-maintenance or overly negative are things that can drain a relationship as well. Trying desperately to make someone else happy can have the opposite effect of pushing them away, because of that emotional blackmail and martyrdom dynamic that makes the whole thing unhealthy. Partners are not crutches to lean on. They don't make everything alright, and they don't magically swoop in and rescue us from our lives. Nor can we do that for anyone else.
You cannot rely on anyone else to meet your emotional needs. You can't rely on anyone else to provide you with constant reassurance. You can't make a low-self esteem anyone else's burden. Your confidence comes from within. Your happiness is from within. Your complete, whole, healthy self is from within.
A healthy partnership is when two fully realized individuals with fully realized dreams and goals meet each other and the chemistry, attraction, relationship, trust, and love make both people better. It's not one person MAKING the other happy. When one is unhappy, the other is a comfort and a shoulder, but the burden of emotional well-being is on you alone. The whole "you complete me" crap is not healthy.
I agree with the others. You won't move forward until you stop talking to him! You're broken up! I know you don't want to, but let him go. Delete and block him, stop calling, texting, and pining after him. Be your own closure and don't look at it in terms of "what's wrong with me" or " I failed".
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A
female
reader, sugarplum786  +, writes (16 April 2014):
 You did no fail as a GF, he just does not have the balls to own up and say that he fell out of love and fell in love with someone else. You are not the problem, if anything you were a loyal wonderful girlfriend and he was the one that could not true to you.
Be glad he is out of your life and now you have the opportunity to meet someone that can truly love you and want to be with you.
Stop all contact with him and move on. If you don't you will continue to live in the past and continue to psycho analyse your relationship - JUST NOT HEALTHY
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A
male
reader, Levsn  +, writes (16 April 2014):
Let the emotions out, the anger, sadness, everything. You'll be able to think more clearly afterwards. It takes two to dance tango, and he was not the right person for it. You may have tried your best, but he did apparently not. There is nothing wrong with you, you did not fail at anything, understand this.
Try to occupy yourself with some activities to cheer yourself up, this will make the time easier until you forget him.
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A
female
reader, Honeypie +, writes (16 April 2014):
 You didn't fail. It takes TWO people to make a relationship work. And trying to OVERDO it to please him is NEVER a great way to go. Why? Because it becomes all about HIM and what HE likes. Relationships are US and WE - yet it is still about two independent people who just make a deal that they will help make the other person the best version of themselves. Not one TOTALLY CATERING to please the other.
I had a female friend who would cater 100% to her BF's wishes and whims, she would essentially change her looks, taste in music, clothes, politics, spirituality to match her BF better and the relationships would rarely last. It would make her seem clingy and dependent. She had a BIG problem just BEING herself. Once she figured it out (after many LONG talks with the rest of the girls in the group and many bottles of wine...) she "found" who she wanted to be and worked on being herself and a BETTER version of herself, NOT for a guy but for her.
I bet you ARE a great girl, he and you were just not as good of a match as you WANTED you two to be. It happens.
One day at the time. You will get "over" him. And you will met someone who is better suited for you.
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A
female
reader, llifton +, writes (16 April 2014):
 There's nothing at all wrong with you. Just because you two didn't work out together doesn't mean there's anything you did wrong. It just means you two weren't right for each other. I know that hurts, but keep in mind that it doesn't mean you failed. You two were just too different or incompatible. And being incompatible doesn't mean you failed. Not at all.
I know it's hard to see that now, while you're still hurting. But you will. One day, you'll meet someone, and you'll realize you won't even have to try that hard to make them happy. It just works. And you'll both feel fulfilled and satisfied.
Good luck.
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A
female
reader, xTheAlmightyDuckx  +, writes (16 April 2014):
 I know its hard to think this, but there is nothing wrong with you.
Sometimes we can try our very best to make someone happy, and it still won't work, and if you know you tried your best to make him happy and he still wasn't happy, there is obviously something wrong with HIM instead of YOU.
Maybe his expectations are too high, or maybe he had other things on his mind which were making him un-happy (instead of it being you).
And come on, lets look at it realistically, you can't of made him un-happy all the time as otherwise he wouldn't of gotten with you in the first place.
I think unless someone is a total pain or does something really bad in a relationship, then you can't really say that they made you un-happy, and if you tried your best and he still wasn't happy with it, thats his fault not yours, so don't think it for a second.
I also think that sometimes exes use excuses when they are asked why they broke up with a person, and maybe this could be an excuse? Maybe he didn't know what to say or actually doesn't know why he broke up with you so he just said he was un-happy? It could be that.
However you shouldn't feel bad, because you haven't failed as a girlfriend, and infact after you put so much effort in trying to be a good girlfriend for him, I just think he is a tad un-grateful, and I know nows not a good time to think about it but in the future you will meet someone who will be grateful for everything you do :) So just try and focus on that.
I once had a boyfriend, who I bended over backwards for, I did everything I could for him, put a lot of things I had at risk too, and when we broke up his excuse was that we were too similar! Which was a lame excuse because we weren't similar at all, and for a while I thought I had failed as a girlfriend, until I realized it wasn't me who was the problem, it was him, so keep that in mind. x
Good Luck x
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