A
female
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes:Hi Everyone - I need some advice on a situation with my long time boyfriend and some conflicting feelings I have regarding it. My boyfriend and I have been dating a total of 10 years, the first few years semi on and off, but steadily for the past five years or so. We have been living together the past two. The beginning portion of our relationship was semi tumultuous, frequent break ups (We met when I was 18, I was in college, wanted to party, have fun, semi the same situation for him as well, etc)... I have mostly moved on from a lot of those issues in our beginning. Recently, however, an incident has occurred that has made me extremely uncomfortable and several feelings of distruct have arisen for me again...We recently went out for his little sister's 22nd birthday, for drinks and dancing. (He is 32, I am 28). We went out with an entire group of her friends, around the same age as her, and a few of their boyfriends. Everything was good the entire night, having a great time, dancing. He eventually got a bit tipsier than he should have and starting dancing, which is fine. I wasn't paying a whole lot of attention because I was dancing with several people too. At some point or another I got distracted in convo with some other people and lost track of him for a bit...When I finally did find him, I noticed he was with one of his little sister's friends who had come out with us that night. They were "grinding" fairly close but not enough to really be TOO inappropriate, but I kept an eye on them. Eventually this grinding got closer and closer, to the point where he fully had his hands very far up her shirt. At this point, I walked over, poked him on the shoulder and told him to come with me. He followed.. I said I wasn't mad, but he is drunk and grinding on his little sister's friend who is more than 10 years younger than him... and basically cut the shit. He then kind of sulked behind me for the rest of the night... (SIDE NOTE: this girl was also with her boyfriend, he had left to go get the cars with one of the other boyfriends and picked us up- we had parked pretty far away. I am positive this would have been a huge problem if her boyfriend had seen all of this.)The next day we talked about, told him I was uncomfortable with the whole situation, but he was drunk so whatever. I just thought it was semi gross and embarassing for me, especially in front of his little sister. A few days later, this same girl has found and is now following him on instagram. Now, if she had followed me as well, this would be different as I had spent most of the night talking/drinking with her, but she specifically only followed him. She is now commenting and liking all of his photos, etc. She clearly has a thing for him, regardless of her boyfriend. Likely excited by the fact another male has paid attention to her, because I have felt similiar reactions to men in the past. The attention is nice.The issue for me, now, is that my boyfriend is reciprocating these actions, talking with her back and forth. He has now gone through all of her photos and liked several "cute selfies" from months ago. If this were me, and some guy that I had a crush on started to like my photos from months and months ago, I feel like that is sending a very clear signal to said person about what their intentions are. My conflict is that my logical brain says that getting upset over effin instagram is really silly, that people have their own free will and if I start to care about social networking sites and what men do on them... its just a pointless battle. Men flirt, women flirt, whatever. BUT... This isn't just some random hot female on instagram, who he has never met before. This is someone, who is friends with his little sister, who he grinded/danced with inappropriately, more than 10 years younger than him. This same girl clearly has an interest in him, or at least the attention he has given, which he is now carrying on with. My gut tells me that this will only get worse and escalate and turn into cheating.I spoke with him about all of this too, he basically says I am being crazy, that its all innocent, he feels "bad for her". That I am overreacting. I call bullshit on all of that because I am not stupid, and nothing has been resolved as of yet whatsoever. I have been with him for 10 years, though. I don't want to throw away our relationship for something that, if looked at plainly, is semi silly. But I truly feel that he is disregarding my boundaries and respect for our relationship by doing this. I almost feel as though I have dug myself a hole, I've always been very laid back about porn, flirting, etc... I've never cared about those things at all. I worry I've allowed so much and been TOO care free about everything else that he won't take anything I say seriously. I also just feel kind of grossed out that he would take this so far with his little sister's friend... and what does that say about our relationship?Sorry for taking so long... but if anyone can offer me help or advice please do! I feel incredibly conflicted and confused.
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reader, anonymous, writes (17 April 2014): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionHi Everyone - Thank you so much for your advice/responses. They have definiteley put a few things into persepective for me. I do think it is absolutely he is enjoying the attention, I certainly don't blame him for it. That isn't so much the issue for me. The issue is that after the grinding incident and her following him, and I expressed that I was uncomfortable with the whole situation, he still disregarded what I said and began to reciprocate the attention, however insignificant. When talking to him about this and my problems, he just started to laugh and basically said I was overreacting. Some background may be helpful to explain my concern: One of the biggest problems we had was several years ago, in 2008. I found out that various girls he was casually friends with, he had been actively getting nude and graphic pictures from, including an ex girlfriend. This led to a break up for a period of time, during which he spent months begging for forgiveness, stating he wouldn't do this again. Part of my issue with him doing this, was that it didn't make a whole lot of sense to me that he'd meet a randomn girl at a party with friends and she'd just casually start sending him nude pictures for no reason. It really made me begin to feel he had either cheated, or at least done something to lead them on to begin with. He swore up and down he never cheated, but that he couldn't help but want to see women naked. Understandable, but I explained that this is a boundary I have, and that he doesnt need to establish a rapport and an relationship with these women to see them naked. There is porn for that. With this new situation with his sister's friend... I can just feel in my gut that this is happening all over again. Maybe this is paranoia. I just believe that no matter what I do, he will always do this. You know, the whole "Fool me once, shame on you". I have to either accept it and who he is, or decide that I can't accept it and move on. I am leaning towards moving on. Now it is just a matter of finding the strenth and courage to do so.
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (17 April 2014): I do find it odd that if you're normally laid back, he wouldn't take you seriously if you say something is wrong. If you were normally getting upset over every little thing, that would be one thing. I guess then my question is, when you talked to him about all this, what was your tone of voice? Was it more like an accusation? I'm not saying you overreacted, but it's too easy to sound angry when you are. Maybe he felt like he was under pressure, and that's why he reacted the way he did. Wait for the smoke to clear, then try again.
About the grinding incident: you already chalked it up to him having too much to drink. From what you've said, it doesn't sound like this is something he would do while sober. He simply needs to practice more self control with his alcohol intake at any future parties. He now knows his limit, (if he didn't before) on how much he can drink without doing something stupid. So if this (or something similar) happens again you'll know he's drinking too much on purpose so he can use the "I was drunk" excuse. But for now, I wouldn't worry.
The instagram issue: SHE followed him, not the other way around. She was the one to start going through and liking and commenting his photos. So it's certainly possible his reciprocating by liking her selfies means nothing other than him trying to be polite. Maybe he felt not responding to her at all was rude. You need to tell him (nicely of course) even if this is the case, he still needs to stop because doing this will make her think he's interested in her. And it's more rude to lead someone on than it is tell them you're not interested.
Another thing I want to point out: You mentioned you think she may not like him but rather the attention he gave her at the party. So do you think it's possible he's just enjoying her attention? That he's flattered someone 10 years younger is attracted to him? I do think most people want to feel like they've "still got it" every now and then, especially those in long term relationships. It's self-centered, sure, but not necessarily a bad thing. It's only a bad thing if someone bases their entire self worth on the attention they get from others.
This kind of insecurity can lead to cheating, drunk or not.
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A
female
reader, Intrigued3000  +, writes (16 April 2014):
 Your boyfriend is clearly being disrespectful to you. I agree that you should feel uncomfortable with this scenario. It is not silly. You need to put your foot down with him. They are starting to develop a relationship with each other, and it started with mutual physical attraction. I don't see a good ending to this. You need to know and feel that you deserve better than this, and he should not be friends with this girl, out of respect to you. If he values you, then he will stop with this flirtation.
Listen to WiseOwlE. His advice is to the point and will help you evaluate whether this relationship is worth saving or if it's time to throw in the towel.
If your bf feels the need to explore other relationships, then maybe it's time to let him go. Love is not about controlling someone else's behaviour. It's more about loving and honouring yourself and what is best for you.
I think you have a lot of soul searching to do, and you and your bf need to talk and talk and talk some more, to figure out if you both need a break right now. It does not mean that you will not end up being together. Sometimes a couple needs to be apart in order to appreciate what they had in the first place, or sometimes you need to separate in order to grow, and you may realize that you've outgrown each other.
I hope through your discussions with him, that you reach an amicable understanding on whether the two of you are still compatible as a couple.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (16 April 2014): He doesn't get to become friends with the woman he was grinding with. That's just disrespectful.
If you don't put your foot down, this will escalate and you know it. In your shoes, I would give him an ultimatum, to either stop contact with her or I'm leaving.
If he stops you know there's a relationship to salvage.
If he doesn't, well that tells you where your relationship is at the moment. 10 years invested in the relationship does not justify another 10 years of misery. Call it quits now and wait for someone who actually respects you and who you have a solid relationship with.
Guys like that do exist, don't settle for less than what you deserve.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (16 April 2014): Your logical-mind and heart are in conflict. On the one hand, you realize he has stepped way out of line. On the other-hand, you know in your heart that your relationship has been in trouble for a very long time.
You site how permissive and lay-back you have been. That doesn't really say your relationship was working.
It only meant you didn't trip-out over the usual things. You had other problems. Serious problems. Bad enough for you to reach out to an advice column to find answers.
You're incompatible. You won't accept this reality.
The only cohesive factor in the relationship, is a codependency formed from a history that goes way back. You were only a girl when you met him, and he's the only man you've really been committed to. You never really dated other guys. It's been on and off; but it has always been him.
You can't imagine him being with another woman, as long as you can draw breath. If it wasn't for that vision in your mind. You would have walked away and never came back. He knows how to get to you. You are terrified at starting over. Learning how to date and adapting to single-life.
It's all foreign to you.
He is not a little boy that you are baby-sitting. You're not the cool baby-sitter letting him get away with murder and stay up past his bedtime. He is a guy you like for your own reasons; but have dismissed a shitload of red-flags to have.
Even if it means a daily struggle to deal with his unbearable faults.
The battle is wearing you down, girlfriend. You want to put your boot up his butt; and not stop until you're up to your thigh. I know I would.
Domestic issues have gotten worse over the years. You're kicking yourself in the ass for wasting all this time; so you can't just walk away. Not just like that. He owes you a wedding ring for putting up with his sh*t.
Nope, that would be sooooooo wrong.
He is craving his freedom so badly, he can taste it. So the boundaries are blurred. He wants to be single again, and be with other women. He's straining against the leash!
He and the young lady have discovered each other. Your relationship should have been ended long ago, and that reality is hitting you like a ton of bricks.
Your ego refuses; but your logical-brain says kick that ass-hat as far to the curb as you can. Listen to your logical-brain. You've put up with his sh*t long enough; and pride/ego just says you aren't giving up your man to some young chick so easily.
He's leaving of his own free; but forcing you to be the one to officially call it quits. He's going to turn up the pressure until you breakdown. He doesn't want to look bad in-front of your friends, and his sister.
Girlfriend, you're not throwing away anything. You're climbing out a mountain of bullsh*t. That has been accumulating for ten years. It's hard to break old habits. You're addicted to the man. He's dying to get loose and go hog-wild. He's technically cheating under your nose.
The ten years is no testament to a good relationship. You apparently have a high tolerance for pain. You want who you want, and willing to hold on to it no matter what you have to go through to keep it.
I think you know that hasn't worked out well for you. I really have to be blunt. It is time to dump this guy.
No lie, it is going to hurt like hell. After you've given up so many years of your life and love. Shown so much loyalty. You've got to learn when to call it quits. You're not getting the ten years back, and holding on to him isn't getting any easier. He has already let you go.
The fact is, your investment has not yielded you any return. He will never marry you. If you ever did marry him, it would not be a wise move. You have no dividends to show for the long-term investment.
Sure, you can bring up a few good traits, great times in the past. Tell us that you love him. Yet you can't give too many good reasons to keep him after the post that you've written. I think you see the writing on the wall.
This relationship has run it's course. In fact that happened many fights and break-ups ago. You just wouldn't let it go.
Well, it may take more time for you to decide. The post was written, because your logic IS taking-over.
You're not confused. You know what is right, you just can't find the courage and the strength to breakup once and for all. That is a tough choice to make; but do what is best for you.
It's time to go find someone good for you. Who you no longer have to struggle so hard to keep.
Ten years, and this post is the best you can show for it?
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