A
female
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes:In a long distance relationship for 2 years. When my fiancé and I got engaged we agreed that I would move to his city he has a son there from a previous relationship and I don’t have children. It would be reasonably easy for me to find a job there in my line of work, while it is difficult to find jobs where I live for him. It seemed logical at the time, but after thinking about it a bit longer it seems as if I’m the one who’s going to be making all the changes and sacrifices and he doesn’t have to do anything. This seems especially unfair as he said “we both have to make sacrifices” but I don’t see him sacrificing anything, and he’s not going to support me financially, (he can’t afford to), I’ve got to be able to do that myself. Is this a bad idea or am I being selfish or unrealistic?
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female
reader, angelDlite +, writes (2 July 2011):
 you're not being selfish its bound to be daunting for you, but realistically if you want to be with him, then you moving to him is gonna be the way it has to be (he's got a child and wouldn't be able to find work where you live)
what does he mean when he says you 'both have to make sacrifices' i agree with you that it seems he is not giving anything up so i REALLY i think you should ask him to explain what he means
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (2 July 2011): The issue is not who makes the most or the biggest sacrifices, but whether or not the sacrifics you're making are too much for you.It's one thing to keep the same residence but change jobs, or keep the same job but move to another home. But to do both on top of moving away from the comfort of friends and family is a big life change and you're right to question it. He may be making SOME sacrifices but he is not putting himself in a vulnerable position to be with you. And just because he has chosen to make his son the centre of his world doesn't mean you must do the same. Unless you have a job lined up before you arrive, you don't know when you'll get work or what your income will be. In the event that it is harder for you to find a job, do you have savings to draw from so you can split bills down the middle? And will you have some money set aside so you can move back in case things don't work out?Identifying and addressing your vulnerabilities may go a long way to putting your mind at ease.
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (1 July 2011): Since he's your fiance, he must have sacrificed and invested quite a bit on your engagement ring. Also introducing you to his child and letting you into his family as his child's new stepmom is a big deal and as a parent, I'd say that is a risk he's taken. Telling the child's mother he is getting married is another risk and that's very hard to do. Putting aside money for the wedding is another investment he's making.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (1 July 2011): I am a young widow and recently got engaged. I sold my home that I lived in for 20 years (I paid thousands of dollars to move and he didn't have to pay a dime), moved to another state, to a very small town with limited job opportunities so that he could keep his job which is high paying. I live off a very small inheritance. I gave up my friends and social life. I have yet to make friends in this small town and I am feeling very isolated. I gave up a lot. We split the fiances down the middle and I mean everything, even a cup of coffee. Fair, I don't think so. The bills should be based on the percentage of difference in income as Suze Orman indicated. Otherwise the one with the lesser income gets drained faster of their funds. I don't know how the economy is in the UK but in the US it is terrible and finding a good decent paying job is next to impossible until things turn around. Make sure you work out the fiancial aspects before you move.
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A
female
reader, sammy1986 +, writes (1 July 2011):
i would talk to him tell him how you feel and tell him what changes you are making with your life to be with him and ask him what changes he is making i think this is very unfair of him
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A
female
reader, So_Very_Confused  +, writes (1 July 2011):
 well i am in a similar position except that my bf is moving down from his state to be with me....
and yes I've given up a lot of things for him... so maybe you need to talk to him about what you need from him to feel better...
for example my bf is giving up his whole life he's lived in the same apartment for nearly 10 years and the same town since he was 15.... he's moving here where he has no roots, no friends, he potentially may lose his job (he telecommutes now)...
so it appears he's giving up everything... but he's asked me to sell my house as I've had two prior husbands in this house... so I am giving up a house I've been in for over 20 years.... I had to re-home my dogs due to allergies on his part... I also gave up a spouse for this man.... so while it appears that I'm giving up nothing, I'm giving up a lot
aside from selling my home, the hardest thing I'm giving up is being the ONLY adult in the home, being the one who makes the decisions... how long has your bf lived alone? if he's not supporting you financially is it a partnership?
will you be living in the same house? how will the finances be divided?
in any long distance relationship SOMEONE has to move.... the choice is often based on jobs, kids, homes....
if you feel resentful already maybe moving is not a good idea....
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A
female
reader, k_c100 +, writes (1 July 2011):
 I think I will deal with these issues seperately (the sacrificing issue and then the financial problems).
I actually think it makes perfect sense to move to his city - he has kids, he cant get a job in your city therefore the only realistic option is for you to move to be with him. If you want to be together then one of you has to make the move, you cant move to a city inbetween you because of his kids so unfortunately it has to be you. This is something you would have known from the start too - you will have known about his kids early on yet you still chose to get involved with him, therefore this is something you should have been prepared to accept. The kids need their dad, so of course he needs to live nearby. This is just part and parcel of being with a partner who already has kids, and you chose to be with him - you could have thought about this properly at the start and if you didnt want to have to compromise or sacrifice anything then you should not have continued the relationship with him.
So in essence, yes you are being a little unrealistic to think that he should have to move to you, or somehow meet in the middle because it simply is not an option for him and you will have been aware about this from fairly early on.
As for the finances - why do you expect him to support you financially? You have your own job, therefore why do you need him to pay for you? I dont really understand here, maybe you need to add some more information? I presume you will be living together when you move, so are you saying he wont be able to pay any rent/contribute to the mortgage?
We are living in 2011, women work now and have careers - we dont need men to support us financially, you should be able to support yourself. So if you are simply expecting him to give you extra money then that is selfish and a very old fashioned attitude. However if his financial situation is so bad that he wont even be able to pay any rent when living together, or wont be able to contribute towards bills etc - then I would be very careful and wary of moving to be with him.
Only move in with him if you are going to be equal financially - so split the rent 50/50, bills 50/50, food shopping 50/50 etc. You are not responsible for him as well as yourself, so if he is not willing to split things evenly then I would not move in with him, you are only leading yourself into financial difficulty.
This is the sort of thing you need to have a discussion about before you agree to move in together, get the financial details sorted and agreed before you make any big decisions.
I hope this helps and good luck!
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