A
male
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:Is it screwed up to feel as though you are sharing someone with kids and an ex? As though they're never fully yours and always belong to an ex. Its so tough to admit it though.
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (30 September 2011): maybe she doesn't want to hear your complaints on this matter because it puts her in a difficult position, she's caught in between. He's still the father of her kids so she needs to maintain a good working relationship with him cos he will always be in her life and for her kids' sake they need their parents to be on good terms with each other.
unfortunately this is the reality of being in a relationship with someone who already has kids from a previous relationship.
A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (29 September 2011): OP here -
Thanks I think you are all right, I should just concentrate on my girlfriend and the kids. Its hard though as my girlfriend has said not to complain about it to her and won't here a single word against him, which maybe makes me feel threatened? I dunno. She also used to compare us a lot in the beginning, which has played on my insecurities too.
I'm just not sure I can ever get over these feelings enough to commit to her
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (28 September 2011): Her ex does not need to acknowledge you because he's her ex, not yours. realize too that he may be highly insecure around you, he might be seeing you as his replacement. He probably does not like the idea of his kids having another male figure in their lives and that this male figure sees them more often than he - their biological dad - does. And maybe he resents you for that. Seeing you could be triggering deep seated issues in him. So it's not surprising that he doesn't acknowledge you. and you should not need his acknowledgment to live your own life and develop your relationship with your gf and her kids.
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A
female
reader, angelDlite  +, writes (28 September 2011):
 ah, well really there should not be a reason that he is like this towards you, unless he somehow thinks that you were on the scene while they were still together. what does your girlfriend say about this? did he ever accuse her of seeing someone else being the reason she went off sex with him?
some people are just generally unfriendly until you really get to know them or maybe he is just not a nice person? have you ever actually been in his company? you said that you see him when you drop the kids off and your GF gets out of the car but you don't, that would make it harder for someone to get to know you, he might not feel comfortable waving to you. maybe he is jealous coz she has got you and he is on his own after his subsequent relationship didn't work out.
its all conjecture this though, the only person who knows why he is off with you is him. as long as your GF and the kids are happy with you, does it really matter that he can't be bothered being nice to you?
x
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (28 September 2011): OP here -
I came on the scene 8 months after they'd split. He asked my girlfriend to move out cause she wasn't having sex with him anymore or basically showing him any attention...she said they grew apart but she admits she did treat him poorly towards the end.
I don't get why he is bitter though, he got another girlfriend 1st but it only lasted 5 months as the girl couldn't handle being arouund someone with kids.
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A
female
reader, angelDlite +, writes (28 September 2011):
i wouldn't worry about this. lots of people are just not friendly and maybe he feels as awkward coming out to the car as you would feel getting out of the car and going to his door. you and the ex really don't need to have any interaction with each other though. have you ever both been present at one of the kids sports events or school play etc? that would be a natural setting to maybe you and him both start chatting.
what were the circumstances of her and the ex breaking up? did she leave him for you or he at least thinks she might have? - might explain his coldness towards you
x
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A
female
reader, So_Very_Confused  +, writes (28 September 2011):
 AH so this is the crux of it. the EX does not acknowlege you. BFD to be honest. He's NOT comfortable with the concept of his former partner having a life without him so he excludes YOU.
Clearly SHE does not as you are IN THE CAR WITH HER when dropping off the kids.
Sounds pretty normal to me to be honest.
As for being friends with someone who's not friends with you... doesn't she have other friends you are not friendly with. I have friends my partner has no contact with, they just don't have much in common. My partner has friends who don't like me that I don't like so he sees them without me.
JUST because HER EX does not acknowledge you does NOT mean you are not FULLY integreated into HER life. Just not his. again that's NOT the issue you need to worry about. HE is not your partner SHE is.
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (28 September 2011): Op here.
I feel as though I have bent myself backwards to fit in and build a bond but still I'm an outsider.
Her ex never acknowledges me despite the fact that I've brought the kids tons of stuff. When we drop the kids off my partner gets out the car. Not once does his ex come and say hello or thanks or nothin. I've been in their lives nearly 2 years now. It makes me angry and bitter at him but my partner won't have a word said against him.
Plus she's still best friends with his sister and she's not very friendly either so she goes to hers on her own.
I just feel an outsider.
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A
female
reader, chocoholicforever +, writes (28 September 2011):
It's a very common situation for "blended families" - i.e. families where one or both partners have children from previous relationships. Unfortunately it's also a big contributor to when second marriages fail, which is when these issues can't get resolved satisfactorily because these can be very severe and permanent stressors to that relationship (your partner's kids and ex aren't going to go away, they will always be there).
without you giving more details, it's hard to give suggestions on what you should do. It could be that your partner isn't handling the situation with her ex and kids properly. No one is born with all the knowledge of how to effectively deal with tricky life situations like this, so it's only natural that people will handle situations badly and end up causing a lot of pain to themselves and those they are involved with.
Or, it could be that you have unrealistic expectations or some personal insecurities that are magnifying the problems to yourself. Maybe you have some self-confidence issues, maybe you're being territorial. If so, these are problems that stem from within yourself and not your partner and her ex and kids.
it's hard to tell what the case is from the little you wrote,so I'll just suggest that you read up some articles on the web about how to make a blended family and step-parenting work successfully. for example
http://www.cyberparent.com/second-marriage/second-marriage-conflicts.htm
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A
female
reader, So_Very_Confused +, writes (27 September 2011):
well you will always have to share with the kids... even now my kids are 25 and 27 and they impact on my relationship.
as for the ex... the father of the kids? yeah he's going to be around too.. but you need to elaborate how you share her with him.
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A
male
reader, Dodds  +, writes (27 September 2011):
 If you are competing with them,never feeling fully satisfied,why do you stay? You have to learn to first ensure you are happy in whatever relationship arrangement you happen to get into,and only then can you better play your part in ensuring your partners needs are met.Having an ex in the picture for me is a red flag not to ignore,as for kids it is always tricky,personaly I'd prefer dating a woman whose kids are about to or have already left the nest,that way I better know my specific needs will be met. Everyone has in mind what they expect of their partners,and how they would like to be satisfied...What about you?Figure out the answers to those questions and make a fair decision on whether to further pursue the relationship or not,save everyone the future agony of difficult relations and even very painful break ups years down the road
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A
female
reader, angelDlite +, writes (27 September 2011):
a bit more info would be helpful. briefly though, i will just say that being with someone who has children already is really not for everyone. it is lots more complicated than getting with someone who has no kids and an ex still in the picture. if you are the sort of person who can't do the step father thing, then maybe you should do everyone and yourself a favour and end it with her. then you can both meet someone more suitable.
you have not gone into detail though, so maybe you are being treated unfairly by your lady and her ex and kids. cannot tell from your short note
x
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